One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

Why lie?

So, in general I think it's strange to lie and I'm a horribly obvious liar. I just can't do it I can't keep a straight face. But there are so many people who lie about stuff that doesn't matter. Like when checking someone's I.d. I frequently notice when they are clearly shorter then me (5'5") and yet their I.d. says they are 5'9". What's the point of that? It doesn't matter what your I.D. says you're still short. If anything that can be harmful because I can deny your I.D. if there is too big of a difference. Like I am shorter then my drivers license says but only by a half of an inch and only because I had a tumor that bent my spine and made me shorter. So I don't get those type of lies but I also don't understand the bigger lies. Like, why? 99.9% of the time your lie gets found out and then your worse off then you would have been had you been honest in the first place. I also don't understand talking behind someone's back. Guess what if I have a problem or issue with you that is a big enough deal that I'm talking about it, then I will talk to you about it. It's far more satisfying to work out your differences as opposed to talking behind someone's back and just getting more bitter and not resolving anything. So don't lie. There's almost never a point to it.

Who doesn't like nicknames.

So I am the queen of nicknames. I have the normal ones based off of my name, Steph, Stephie, and Stepher. Then I have nicknames I have earned over time, Punkin, Tuff, Tuffy, Tutt, Tutty, Sookie, Pookie, Sookie Sue, Pookie Sue, Pookie bear, Little one, Short Stuff, Princess, Sunshine, Momma Stephie, Aunt Tuff, Hearts,Present, Duck, Etc. The list could go on and on. I love nicknames. It means someone cares enough to think one up for you. but some people don't like nicknames not even the shorter version of their name. which is weird but okay I guess as long as your not biting peoples heads off about it if they accidentally call you by the wrong thing. I mean my advice is always don't be a dick but really people, nicknames are supposed to be an expression of fondness. however, if you are the type of person to bite someones head off about that sort of thing then you deserve no fondness anyway.

Corvallis, I'm worried about you

So, I was born and raised in Salem but I spent most of my teen and adult years in Corvallis. and Corvallis I'm worried about you. I know you have a great reputation. Wonderful little college town. Home of the OSU Beavers! Very safe place to live. Friendliest people ever. (unless you work retail) and that seems great but now the first impression some parents get if they come into town a certain way is this. A huge bright purple marijuana dispensary followed by a billion fast food joints, oh and a sex shop. While I am okay with all of these things being in our town and people partaking in these things I think it may scare some people off of our wonderful friendly little town. and if you ever visit Corvallis there is honestly so much more beauty, history, and culture to absorb. So try not to focus on the first impressions. :)

Who's fault is this really?

So, we all know I work in retail. Which basically means that I am forced to keep a smile on my face while being blamed for a million things I have nothing to do with, like:

• I have had multiple customers get mad when a self check out machine breaks and we don't happen to have a new hard drive or anyone with the skills to fix it just waiting around the store. 
• People get mad when a Self checkout is close for multiple days. So do we but once we have put in a work order it's out of our hands, They will show up and fix it when they can.
• People get upset when the store is out of a certain denomination of money. It sucks more for us trust me but when an armored truck breaks down they can't just get a rent a car and drive us over thousands of dollars. That's not how it works.
• I have gotten yelled at on thanksgiving day because we ran out of sweet potatoes. Okay, first of all if you wait to get them until the day of then you are my least favorite kind of human. Secondly that's not just something we can have the warehouse stock up on and have an unlimited supply of. the process to create sweet potatoes involves farmers, dirt, sunshine, water, and GOD. I have no power over any of those things. 
• When people get mad at restaurants because it's busy and it takes longer to get their food. I want to go explain the entire cooking process to them and ask them how long it would take them to cook different meals for 50 different people.
• When people go into stores on a holiday or a five dollar Friday type thing and then wonder why it's so busy. I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying well why are you here dumbass? Cause it's probably the same reason everyone else is.

Because of all of these things and more I just want so badly to dress up as the common sense fairy (Which is just me +sparkles+wings+ a foam bat with the word COMMON SENSE written on it) and then I would like to have the freedom to beat my common sense into everyone who does any of these things or anything I deem bat worthy,. A girl can dream right? :)

Made of so much.

This is my face. It is, Irish, Norwegian, Austrian, Scottish, Spanish, Winnebago, Okanagan, Black Foot, French, and so many other things. I am made up of all of these things. I don't see beauty, or ugliness when I look in the mirror. I see me. I see my mom, my grandma, my aunts, my Great grandparents. I see family when I look in the mirror. So it doesn't matter if my eyes are too big or my cheeks to pronounced. It doesn't matter that my face has gone from heart shaped to more rounded because of weight gain. It doesn't matter that I'm loosing hair. All tha matters is that I love me. And as long as that doesn't change then my face is just what it needs to be....  Me! :)

Don't assume I'm normal

So, the title of this blog isn't meant to make it seem like the things I discuss make me a weirdo. I do that on my own. Ok! So, the other day I was working and I had a lady who rang several things up without getting me to do the 50% off stickers. She was then upset about the price, of course bcause it was about $10 more then what she had expected. That's fine. I went over and said "Oh, it makes me do the 50% off items for you anyway I'll just fix it real quick." She then started freaking out and talking about how much she hated Self Check Out. A complaint I hear a lot but it makes no sense to me when there are checkers with no line. It you hate it don't do it. But anyway, I said "oh yeah it can get annoying when the bagging alarm keeps going off but I don't mind fixing it." Then she said "No you don't understand I have severe anxiety," Okay well that explains the irritability so I said "Oh I feel ya me too." She then got very upset and said "No you don't understand it gets so bad I have to go to the E.R. sometimes." Okay so just assuming that because I am a happy person who is currently functioning well and smiling at work, that I must not know what "real anxiety is" is ridiculous. I said oh yeah I get seizures form my anxiety and have been hospitalized for a week to monitor the seizures before." Then she back pedaled and said oh that does sound serous. I finished with her stuff and she was on her way.

So, that shouldn't bother me, but, it does. because I just don't like people making assumptions. I try not to make assumptions when I see people. I adore some of our homeless customers and they like coming to me because I don't assume that just because they are homeless and doing without somethings that they can't have a nice conversation and make each others day nicer. I try not to assume that someone is a drug addict when they are acting strangely. So it's not fair that this lady just assumed that because I'm young and happy that I don't have anything going on behind the wall of happiness, I have very severe anxiety but I have learned how to deal with it. And , yes I can hold down a job even though I have seizures along with my panic attacks. However, all of my co-workers are aware of my health problems and I am blessed to have amazing co-workers who understand when I have an unexpected seizure. or if I need a break right away to take my anxiety medicine to try to prevent a seizure. I don't know why this lady bothered me so much. Maybe because after all I have been through in my life (raised in an abusive household, molested at age 4, having to care for my whole family at age 13 because of my mother having very serious cancer.) All of those things I survived and I grew up to be a pretty cheerful person. but assuming that just because I am cheerful, I must have an easy life hurt me a bit. I know that she didn't know everything I've been through but her assumptions hurt. It felt like she was saying that I couldn't really have anxiety.

Anxiety is something I deal with everyday of my life. Some days it's easy to deal with, Other days it's just not possible to function normally. But the main thing is I try. I find things that calm me. I read, drink herbal tea, watch a marvel movie (I know it's weird but it calms me down) I find ways to have anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and not just stay alive but live and enjoy my time on this earth. Thank you to all the people who help me with this on a regular basis. and if you ever visit my home for goodness sake don't mess up the blinds. (I'll mess you up) :p

Simmer down and listen

So I find myself thinking this several times a day. I feel like we are all so busy and rushing so much that we don't even take time to think or listen anymore. Like the other day at work some guy yelled at me that the self checkout machine didn't give him his cash back. Well the cash was already out of the machine and as he was yelling at me the machine was saying "cash is dispensed below the scanner" Now, I;m sure he was in a hurry and there was more to his side of this interaction but once I came over and showed him where his money was he said "Well the machine should tell you or show you where it comes out. I didn't see it." Which is true the machine should do that but it's also true that it did do that. If he would have simmered down and listened he wouldn't have had to yell at me and cause everyone around him to look at him like he was a jackass.

This doesn't only happen at work though I feel like even with your loved ones they can assume they know how you are going to finish what you're saying and they can get mad and interrupt causing unnecessary arguments. I'll admit I've been on both sides of this with some of my loved ones. So I am now making an effort to simmer down and listen, or to pause and think before automatically going to the worst case scenario.

Another example I have seen of this is some parents with their children. Now I know that kids can spend all their waking hours saying "mom, momma, mommy, mom, mother!" or "dad, dad, daddy, dad!" but sometimes they really do have something important to say. For example a few months ago in a store I saw a very busy mom who was trying to hurry out the store to get her kid to daycare and then her to work. She was busy, hurrying, and distracted. Well her little boy kept saying, "mom, momma, mom" to which she kept replying, "Just a minute buddy I'm doing something." Well it turns out he urgently needed the restroom as he had a bladder infection and in a tiny kiddo that gives you even less warning for your urgent needs then in adults. So poor kiddo wet his pants. The mom was great and sweet and comforted him. However, I'm sure she was also much later to work because of this situation.

So I think that we all need to take a breath, simmer down, realize we are not chicken little and the sky is not falling, and listen to each other. And please even if you're in a hurry don't yell at the checkout person. It's rude and can throw off their whole day. Plus at SELF checkout there is pretty much only one person in control of your whole order, I'll give you a hint..... It's not me or it would just be called checkout. ;) For goodness sake be happy sometimes people. It's much more fun!

You're a mom, right?

Okay, so this is something I get asked on a regular basis and I don't know how I feel about that. Yes I'm 31 and by my age most people have at least one kid if they are going to have kids but that's not my path. Trust me I want kids. I want to have tons of little babies but I'm not willing to do so until my health is good enough that my OB feels I could have a fairly normal pregnancy. I know that everyone says there is no perfect time for kids, but I refuse to have my health issues affect the life of my future children. So the plan is have the surgery, lose the weight, and about a year after start trying for kids. I'm not much of a planner so this is more of a just optimistic outline.

Now why does everyone assume I'm a mom other then my age? I know that my whole life I've been told I'd make a good mom one day. So, maybe I just give off maternal vibes? Also, I have my "part time kiddo" Which is my best friend's daughter and we are very close. I've been her other mommy most of her life. I'm also the mother to my Zoo, I have 36 pets who I consider my babies. Some people think that is nuts but I adore my adopted babies.

So why does it bother me when people assume I'm a mom? It's a great thing to be. I hope to be a mom in a few years. But a little part of me always feels that I'm being judged. Yes it is partially my choice that I don't have kids yet. Yes my husband wants kids more then anything but is it so bad to want the best for them? My mother has always blamed herself for any health problems I or my brothers have. She always wonders if we have poor health because of something she did. (She did nothing wrong while pregnant she's just a worrier) I don't want to wonder that about my kids. I mean I know for a fact that any child I have has a good chance of having at least one allergy. I know that they have a chance of having my fair skin and hives in the sun. I know they could get my hypermobility and sprain things a lot. I just don't want to add to that list,So even though I'm not a mommy yet. I can't wait to be one but I shall do it safely!

Am I weird for worrying about what people think on this subject?

Dear Brittany Maynard

Dear Brittany,

I am writing this to thank you. You dear sweet girl are facing the most terrifying thing I can imagine. I have no clue how you must feel. But I hope part of how you feel is proud of yourself. I have always lived here in Oregon so I have given little thought to the death with dignity law. It has always been something that was just a given to me. Selfishly, I never thought about people in other states that don't have this law and you, Brittany, have made me think about it. I hope that you know that I think you are truly one of the most brave people I've ever heard about. You are a soldier fighting a battle you know you can't win but you continue fighting so the battle can end on your terms. That is amazing. I want to thank you, not just for raising awareness for this cause but also for making the world a better place and me a better person. No, we have never met but still you are impacting my life. Reading your story I saw your age and thought, "Wow, she's even younger then I am." I read what all you have done and thought, "I need more adventure." I read how you have only been married a short time, and it made me more thankful for every moment I get with my husband. I see how you want to spend your last days and I just want to hug my family. I think that your affect on people is far more then you could ever grasp. I think that spending even a second doing anything but whatever you want is so selfless because you have so few moments left. Look at you and the time you are spending to raise awareness. It makes anyone who says they don't have time to do good deeds seem ridiculous. Please know that you have so many people praying for you and your family and friends. I pray that you have a smooth passage. When you get to Heaven maybe God will show you how much good you have done. I promise to pay more attention to issues that may not affect me or my family. I promise to cherish my moments more and I promise to remember you! You are truly a hero. You're in my thoughts and prayers! I hope to be even half the blessing you have been to this world. I wish you a calm, safe, comforting passage!

-Tuffy

For anyone who hasn't heard of Brittany Maynard her website is www.thebrittanyfund.org You can learn about her journey, donate, and sign her birthday card!

P.S. Brittany Happy Birthday!

Raising Animals.

So, many people who know me know that I would probably be willing to raise any kind of animal except eels or ants. But even ruling them out could be an overreaction. See I have always had a fear of birds. Mostly geese and chickens. But penguins were always the exception. So then I thought to myself that if penguins are okay then maybe ducks are too. Then I fell in love with ducks and now I own 7 ducks, 5 chickens, 2 dogs, 3 cats, 20 cows. So you would think that I'll just take care of any animal that I encounter but that is also not true.

Before I got my first dog, Fubu, I researched Pugs, and health problems they can have and how much of a financial investment they can be. I looked up how much space and walking they need. I looked for what their average lifespan is, everything. I still do this with every animal I get I research as much as I can until I feel comfortable that I am familiar with their particular needs. At the time I got Fubu I had already had several family dogs and I worked in a dog grooming van. I wasn't a dog newbie. But I feel like it's your job do research an animal before you decide to be responsible for it's life and well-being.

So although it may seem like an all of the sudden snap decision to some people that I got chickens. It wasn't I had been discussing it with my husband for about 3 years. We discussed where we would keep them who would care for them if we went on vacation. How I would deal with my fear of the chickens. We knew that I would have to get babies and raise them from that age so that I would get attached before their pecking could do any damage. We knew that we wanted to raise chickens for eggs and not for meat as I can't handle eating something I raised very well yet. (I do eat our beef but I eat much less beef now that I raise them and I can't think about which cow I'm eating because it breaks my heart.) We researched what kinds of chickens we want. I have watched videos on other peoples nesting boxes. We knew how much it costs to feed and care for them. All of that. So it was in no way a snap decision. I did indeed see chicks in the feed store and decide that was the day I was going to get chicks but I still went home and slept on it and got chicks the next day.

This may seem like common sense to a lot of people but there is a disturbing number of people out there who just get something cause it's cute and learn how to care for it later. That to me is the epitome of irresponsibility. I can't imagine not knowing how to care for something before you get it. It's a tiny little life you are now responsible for and just like with children, you don't just need to keep them alive but you need to make sure they turn out good. I raised Sasha our lab/elkhound mix from a pup and I didn't need to just keep her alive, I had to make sure she knew not to nibble on peoples hands and how to go potty outside. I had to teach her how to walk on and off the leash. She has cute tricks she does like tucking me into bed and shaking, that weren't necessary but people think it's cute. It was a lot of hard work to turn her into the dog she is today. But she is a great dog now.

Some people think of animals more like decorations then living beings. You don't buy a dog to let it just be out for decoration. They have feelings and needs too. So before you go buy a bunny for your kid for Easter or a chicken for eggs or even a dog or cat. Please make sure you know not only how to keep it alive but also how to raise it and love it!

Loosing friends

This is something we all go through at some point in our lives. People grow apart, people change, people find out things they don't like in other people. It happens. It is however, never easy, at least in my experience. I have recently had a person who decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Which is fine. Honestly her reasoning was mostly that she doesn't enjoy having anyone around her who doesn't share her exact political views. Also fine. We have known each other about 7 years, but we have never been super close. It's no great loss to my life. However, she is engaged to someone who I have been friends with since high school. This person was very important to me. We were at one point very close friends. I am the one who chose to end this friendship for a few reasons. One I came to the realization that I was doing most of the work maintaining our friendship which isn't cool. I deserve the occasional text or message just to say hi. Also I have been hated by most of his girlfriends. This one I had hoped would be different as she and I were friends way before the two of them met. But she unfortunately just used this to try to find out everything about all his past relationships which she should ask him in my opinion not me. But he was a person I thought I would always be friends with. He's the one who comforted me when I found out a close family member had cancer for the third time. He was there for me when my favorite great aunt died. I thought we would always be friends. That is pretty heartbreaking to realize that it's gone.

But I have decided not to focus on what I lost. One  great friend and one fake friend. I chose to focus on what I have. Which is several lifetime friends. I have other friends who are there for me in the rough times now. I have people who were supportive when I had my cancer scare and these two people weren't in that group. I have an amazing best friend and her whole family has adopted my whole family into their lives. That's pretty amazing. I have an amazing husband who is a better friend to me then anyone else has ever been. So as much as it sucks growing apart from someone. It must be in God's plan and since he can see the big picture and I can't I choose not to be miserable and dwell on this sad thing but rather to spend that time being thankful for all the amazing friends I do have. I have so many friends who are truly happy to be a part of my life I'm not going to mourn over people who chose not to bother. If I'm not good enough for them then they can move along because I'm good enough for me, my family, and my real friends. You all rock!

Honestly....

I was thinking today. Why is honesty so difficult for some people? I kind of understand a little white lie to spare someones feelings although, I prefer honesty to that most of the time. But some people it appears to just be their nature to lie. I can't imagine how exhausting that must be. If you are honest you don't have to remember all the lies you told. The truth is the easiest thing to remember. Do some parents honestly teach their kids to be dishonest? Maybe if they are too strict it would make a kid feel like they have to hide everything. I just don't get it.

When I was a kid my mom always told us we would be in more trouble if we lied then if we just tell her exactly what we did when we misbehaved. She always said she hates nothing more then liars and that honesty should be our go to response. So now I'm 31. I have lied before I'm not a saint. My husband seems to think I lie about not being in pain a lot when I am but I just know he can't do anything to remove the pain so why say it? How did your parents teach you honesty? How honest do you think you are?

Try to be honest with everyone including yourself. I have recently lost a friend I told myself she was just having one of her moods and that we would be friends again soon. We texted a few days ago and we were very cordial but if I'm honest with myself then I have to admit that I can't forget how she treated me and I honestly don't believe we will be friends again ever. But maybe if I'm honest she never was a real friend. and I don't need two faced people in my life. or in her case 78 faced people. I wish people would just tell me the truth always it really does set you free!

To my dear sweet Godniece

Hello beautiful, there are some things I believe you should know. Number one I love you so much from the day you were born I have loved you. Even though I have never met your father and I've always liked your mother, I love both of your parents because they made you!

I think one of my first memories of you was babysitting you and your step sister M. And neither one of you ever wanted me to set you down. I remember my mom thinking you were hysterically crying because you wanted a teddybear. Then you yelling out no I want my tuttybear. Me, I have loved you from the minute we met and I think that love was mutual.

So, please forgive me if I go all lame adult on you. Because I can't believe this precious baby that I took to see fireworks, is now a teenager who has teenage issues. I will always be thrilled when you message me. And at least for the next year or so I will be weirded out when giving you boy advice. I'm allowed that I changed your diapers. Lol.

I am so proud that I had even a tiny part in watching you my beautiful girl growing up. I will always be here for you. I will always love you and miss you when you're miles away. So I wrote this to let you know how loved you are and what a blessing you have been to my life! Your Aunt Tutty will love you forever dear one!!!

Welcome Fall!!!!

Today is officially the first day of fall! You would think that being a summer person I would not be happy. However, I feel like  I have to have all the other seasons to enjoy summer as much as I do and lets face it being allergic to the sun life will be a bit easier in Autumn!

I will miss the summer but I am so looking forward to fall because I love the smell after the first rain! I love the smell of Halloween! I love Halloween! I love Thanksgiving. I love watching all the leaves turn. I love that I can bundle up in all my warm layers and not be looked at like I'm crazy. (cause I still bundle up in summer a lot) I love that I get to watch my Ducks splash around in puddles and my crazy Lab chase after them. I love that the cats stay indoors and snuggle more. I love that I can drink herbal tea without getting overly warm! I just love the fall!

One of the best things about living in Oregon is we have everything. We have very defined seasons. It gets pretty hot in the summer and fairly cold in the winter (although our winters are mild enough where I live that people are still horrible at driving in it because they rarely have to) I love that in Oregon we have mountains, beaches, forests, and deserts. It's just sort of awesome here! I'm sure by about November I will be missing sunshine again but for right now I'm enjoying the rain and overcast days! I like having an excuse to stay inside and read cause I'm lame like that! Happy first day of fall!

Pets and Priorities

AS anyone who knows me knows, I have a lot of animals. They are not all technically pets but on our farm we have 43 animals. Not counting the Dog and chickens that live at the other house on the farm. So it can be very hard to prioritize our lives. But I feel like it's so so important to not only keep our animals alive but also to keep them happy. I know that God gave us dominion over all other animals but I feel like if I were them I would want someone to make sure I enjoyed my life as opposed to just living it.

So when I get home from work and I'm exhausted. I still spend time outside feeding the ducks and talking to them. They love when you bend down and tell them that you love them. They wag their tails like crazy. I make sure at least a few times a week to go see our momma cows and the bull because they have grown very attached to me and if I don't go see them then they get upset and break fences to come to me. So I make sure to go and feed them some squash and pet them and just make sure they are all healthy and not acting funny. I also make sure to spend time each day petting each of our three cats because they all love to soak up the mommy attention. And our dogs each get hugs and kisses all the time they both know how much I depend on them to cheer me up when I'm sad so the least I can do is make sure they are happy. I take our chicks out every couple of days to let them run around and try to fly. It's hectic but it keeps them happy!

Some people own animals but make them more like a decoration then a family member. My animals no matter if they are technically pets or not all know I love them and all get special treats and attention all the time! It's hard being on a beef ranch obviously we have to butcher some cows once a year. Most people tell me not to name them or get too attached because I cry every time we have to butcher but I would much rather have a short period of grief and give them a good life while they are here then to just remain completely detached and cold. I want all my animals to know they are not only loved but appreciated and cherished and yes it takes a good chunk of time out of my life to do that but it's more rewarding then you could imagine! Hug your pets!

Why I like my ducks more then most people

So since I have lived on a farm I have become quite the lover of ducks. Muscovy ducks in particular. They are pretty much perfect pets if you have the space for them. I'm pretty in love with having these adorable kiddos around our farm and here are a few reasons why I like my ducks more then I like most people:

• When I come home to my ducks they run up to me wagging their tails and hissing (they are quackless ducks so they can just do this cute little hissy sound) No human ever greets me like that. And if they did I probably wouldn't like it!
• When I have a headache no matter what my ducks are quiet and respectful of it! The worst thing they can do is make some bad smells and they are polite enough to keep that all outside. 
• If I can't finish my salad guess what? My ducks will and they will love me for sharing and not thing I'm weird for trying to give them a half eaten sandwich.
• They are wonderful protectors maybe even better then my cows because if I'm outside they are with me and if anything comes near me (even a tractor or a dog) They immediately go into protect mommy mode. Which since we have 12 of them just makes me feel like a V.I.P. with 12 security guards. Are any people showing up at my door to escort me to my car safely? No not even one. 
• When I'm in a sad mood all it takes to make me smile is a hose and my ducks. They will splash around in that super cold water all day and they always make sure to wag their tails at me to thank me for the bath.
• When I need to de-stress what is more calming then watching my ducks swim in the river? Nothing that's what. and guess what? I have watched a lot of humans and dogs and cows swim in the river...... Not calming. not one bit.  
• Nothing makes you feel more special then being at the head of a line of happy ducks. They follow me everywhere and I feel like I'm leading a happy parade! 
• They never ask me for anything but snuggles and food. Both of which we have plenty for them!

They are honestly the best pets and I know they are normally raised for meat and their red faces are ugly to some people but I look at them and see nothing but adoration and happiness. I highly recommend

taking the time to love a duck! The animal not the college sports team. I don't endorse that at all :p

Health Progress Report and Stamina

So it's been a while since I started my journey to getting healthier. I only have a few more pounds to loose before I'm ready for surgery. I also have to go and get my psych clearance and go to a support group meeting. So it's looking like it will probably be at least January before I have the surgery. I cannot wait. I know that sounds weird because it will be a hard journey after surgery. Like I won't be able to eat a vegetable for something like four months after the surgery. I'll be on a liquid diet for a few weeks. I'll most likely have some sickness afterwards but honestly that will all be worth it!

How do I know already that it will be worth it? Well I'm already noticing so much change in my energy and stamina. Last night I worked a full shift and then stayed an extra half an hour to help a co-worker with some of her stuff. Now 6 months ago after a night like that I would be in so much pain. I could barely walk and I wouldn't want to do anything the whole next day. But last night other then a sore back from sleeping wrong the night before I felt great! We even did some grocery shopping afterwards. Today I still feel great. I'm in a tiny bit of pain from a burst ovarian cyst but I'm still full of energy and feeling nice!

The other thing that is great is that normally before after a few days of work I would need my first day off to be a rest day. Like I would do some light cleaning and stuff around the house but no big farm things. and now I keep saying I'll need a rest day and then I decide I have too much energy and I want to go outside and do something on the farm. Or play with the ducks. I am just full of energy everyday! It's amazing and that is all with just a tiny bit of weight loss. Imagine how I'm going to be after the surgery. Like my joints feel better especially my feet and ankles! I just can't get over how much better I feel. I am so ready to be healthy again. and as I am normally quite hyper especially for someone in poor health I'm gonna be kind of obnoxious when I'm done with this journey. Sorry not sorry!

I know it's somewhat worrisome for my loved ones that I'm choosing to go through this surgery. However, it is going to lead to such amazing things. I just know that I will feel like I'm living a whole new life!

Dogs, Ducks, and the last days of Summer.

First off I need a waterproof camera so I'd have pictures from today. Moving on. Today was possibly one of the last warm days I have off and we had no plans. So, we decided the best way to spend today was to go enjoy the weather. Now most people would think that we would spend so many days like this because we live on a farm. However, little known fact, farms require A LOT of work. So, especially during summer if we're off work we are still working on the farm. But sometimes towards the end of summer we get wonderful days like this!

First thing we did was to go to where we have let our Ducks down to the river and make their path a little smoother so they can get up the hill. We fed them and spent some time watching them enjoy the river. Then we came home and decided why not take the dogs down to the river. So we got Sasha and Riley loaded up and took them down. It is part of being a responsible pet owner to make sure you keep your pets happy, which for Sasha means water. She is a Lab mix it's in her blood. So we get to the river and she goes nuts she swims all the way up and down that stretch she runs up and around and across the bridge (While continually looking like she was going to jump and terrifying her humans) Riley however doesn't have a love of water yet. He's working on it. He is a Puggle so half Pug half Beagle. Pugs have stubby noses which makes them less likely to enjoy the water as they have a much higher chance of drowning. But Riley also loves making us say Good BOY!! So he tried. He swam a little but only right by mommy. He mainly just walked around in the 2 inch deep part of the river. All in all we had tons of fun.

Then we came back and our Duckies that prefer to be house ducks were anxiously awaiting their daily bath! We set the hose to mist and they enjoy splashing around. We filled their water and talked to them to make them wag their tails because in case you have never seen in there are few things in this world cuter then a Muscovy duck happily hissing and wagging it's tail. Seriously it's amazing!

I think it's important to work hard but also just as important to take days like today and enjoy the world and what God has blessed us with. I think my husband and I could sit by the river all day with our dogs and our ducks or just with each other and be blissfully happy!

Dear Dollar Tree

Guess what? Just because you sell very inexpensive items does not mean you can treat your employees how ever you want. If anything you should treat them like Kings and Queens for all they have to put up with. I am not a Dollar Tree employee, however I have seen what these people put up with. like:

• Constantly scheduled on days they are unavailable.
• Always asked to find coverage for those shifts which is ridiculous when you messed up the schedule in the first place. YOU FIX YOUR MISTAKE!
• Managers acting like small children when the employees are ill. Guess what life happens and many large corporations figure out how to pull up their big girl/boy panties and say "Okay, feel better." and then we find someone to cover their shift or we work extra hard that day. I know baffling what you can accomplish when your attitude graduates high school!
• ON a daily basis they deal with possibly the dumbest customers on the planet asking repeatedly about each item how much it costs. and They don't snap at these customers that it's the Dollar Tree it's all a dollar grasp the concept or go home
• They put up with their bosses huffing like a 4 year old and hanging up on them when they are horrible ill and must miss a day.
• They put up with people not minding their children while they ransack the store. 
• They put up with having a day job that only ever gives them half shifts. 
• They put up with constantly being talked down to by management.
• They put up with all of the silly things you make them say or do for your fundraisers.
• They put up with an always growing list of responsibilities while fully knowing that it's damn near impossible to get a raise.

So Dollar Tree maybe your management needs classes on how to humanly treat other people, Or maybe they need to be fired and go back to primary school and learn manners, Whatever they need you should get on it before people start boycotting your store. Because as a customer I have heard a store manager gossiping about other employees and their health issues on the sales floor in front of everyone. Which I'm pretty sure violates Hipaa Privacy policies. But hey you know just a heads up that with the treatment these people are getting from your company I wouldn't be surprised if you start getting more lawsuits. Also hey my mom taught me this thing when I was like 3 that may help your management staff. It's called the golden rule because it's pretty important. Basically you treat others how you wish to be treated. It's not too complex maybe look into it. I've done pretty well in my life living by that rule. In conclusion be nice because if I keep seeing your employees mistreated I will do everything in my power to bring attention to all you are doing! Please just hire nice people or you know train the mean ones to at least have common human decency! Thanks Lambchop!

My love story

It's strange to me that so many people who know me and know my husband don't know how we met or even how he proposed. So since we just passed our five year wedding anniversary and we are coming up on our 8 year dating anniversary I thought what better time then the present.

To first figure us out you have to know a little of how we were before we met. Hammy (my husband) dated quite a bit and had even been engaged once before he met me but he had been single for a while before we met. I on the other hand had always sworn I would never marry and pretty much just figured I'd spend my life surrounded by my family and my many guy friends. I had plenty of opportunity to date and was pretty constantly teased about being "too picky" or "heartless" or "emotionally detached" and to tell you the truth I probably was at least a little bit. I didn't care what guy liked me unless they were Nick Carter I wasn't interested. Most of that however is because I have always been fiercely independent and I always wanted to fall in love with who I was before I felt I could truly love and be loved. 

So around 3 months before I met Hammy I had decided to dip my toe in the water of the dating pool. Well that resulted in a very misguided moment or two with one of my guy friends and then me meeting a guy who I was very attracted to physically but after about a month of dating I found out that he had a girlfriend. I wasn't heartbroken because I was never very attached to him. He broke up with his girlfriend and we dated off and on until I met my Hammy.  See the guy before my husband didn't treat me very well and to be honest I didn't treat him great either. we just weren't meant to be. But since he had initially met online and I had given him a chance, then on November 20th 2006. when my now husband messaged me online I was open to meeting him because he seemed sweet and really he couldn't be much worse then the last guy. 

So he picked me up at my house and took me to a movie. It was a James Bond movie and I'm not really a 007 kind of girl but it was fun none the less. Then after the movie we grabbed a meal at Wendys and chatted. To be honest he was super shy really quiet and hard to get to open up. Then when he finally did start talking it was all about how many times he had been in car accidents. Not the best topic for the girl who he still has to drive home and who had been in 5 accidents in 3 years all of which I was a passenger. Oy it appeared to not be going well. But he took me home as I was leaving for my job in Salem that night he asked for a hug and  my number and that was that. I thought well not the best but not the worst date ever.

First adorable thing he did was to call me from the bottom of our hill just to make sure I hadn't given him a fake number. Then within the next couple of days he went to the Beavers/Ducks Civil War game. Which is huge in my world as I am and always will be a lifelong beavers fan. I was so jealous that he had tickets. But I stayed home and watched the game. That was an amazing game. Super close and if I remember correctly it was ended by a blocked field goal attempt right at the end. Now at the time I lived in Corvallis which is Beaver Nation. So the fans rushed the field and I said wow Luke is so lucky to be there right now. then 2 seconds later the phone rang and it was him just calling me while rushing the field to make sure i had seen it. That was the second point in his favor. It was so sweet that at such an amazing time he thought of me and wished I could have been there to see it!

Then for a while he went down to his mothers house which was about a 2-3 hour drive away. We talked on the phone or online everyday. and he was so sweet. So when he came back we went on our second date. This was the clincher for both of us. It was a great date. We saw another movie and then we took a nice long walk around town talking. We eventually came upon some carolers and it was snowing so we stopped to dance. I couldn't quit looking at his amazing blue eyes. He was already so sweet and treated me like a queen. We both think that's the day we started to fall for each other.

So after a little while of dating and hearing all of the stories about how scared he was to introduce me to his mom because she hadn't been a fan of any of his exes. It was time to meet his mom. I was so nervous which I think is normal but it didn't help that he kept saying oh I hope she likes you and it would do a lot for my mom and my relationship if you to got along. (Thanks for the pressure Luke) But we had dinner with her and she was and is still to this day one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She's one of those super humans who is amazing at everything and not at all boastful about it. Then that night she called him to tell him how much she liked me! I kept thinking everything is so perfect how can it be going so well for me. I mean this was my first try at a real relationship. Nobody knocks it out of the park on the first try.

But he just kept getting more wonderful. We started a tradition where once a week we got Dutch Bros coffee and went to bible study together. Which was important for me because I wanted God to be a part of our relationship. We spent new years together. Everything was great. I eventually met the rest of his family. and  we were an item. Then one day while holding hands he kept playing with my ring finger on my left hand and I asked what he was doing. He said just thinking about the day that I get to put a ring there. Now mind you I have a horrible fear of commitment and we had been dating 3 months. I said yeah but I'm a tad freaked out by commitment. He said Okay I'll just ask you everyday until the answer becomes a yes! and that he did. For 9 months until our one year dating anniversary he said at least once a day< "hey will you marry me?" and the answer slowly morphed from maybe someday, to yeah probably eventually, to yes someday I will. So on our one year anniversary he said you keep saying yes eventually well doesn't that mean yes? I said yeah I guess it does. So exactly one year after we met we got engaged.

His main hurdles were. my Mom, My brothers and My Gramps. He passed those tests with flying colors. He's a bit of a geek so my older brother likes him. He likes to put in a hard days work so my little brother likes him and my mom just loved the way he treats me and his beautiful eyes and lips. When I finally took him to Salem to meet my Gramps I was super nervous about if Gramps would like him. Then not long after we left I got a call from my aunt saying that Gramps wouldn't quit talking about how much he liked him and that he looked at me like I was the most valuable thing on earth. So he passed the Gramps test too! My aunts and cousins were quick to adjust. They're main comment has been that he just feels like one of the family.

I made him wait a long time to get married. Not because of doubts but more because I had never thought of my own wedding before and I needed a lot of help planning from those who had (My Mom, Aunts, and Best Friend!) But we made it!! We had a beautiful beach wedding over 5 years ago. It's so strange because some days it feels like we haven't been

married that long and others it feels like it's been forever. IN a good way of course like I just can't imagine my life without him. So that it the quicky version of my love story. I hope I didn't leave anything out! BYE!

But we're where the chick and the duck live.

Big points if you know where I got the title of this blog from. So because I'm spoiled (can't help it blame my family) My husband got me chicks and ducks. So here's how it all started. I saw an ad on craigslist for 2 adult male Muscovy ducks. In case you don't know that is my favorite breed of duck because they are so sweet they are super quiet because they don't quack they mostly just hiss and wag their tails. Anyway the lady who had them wanted a home for them where they wouldn't be eaten. (Muscovy's are typically raised for meat) So I of course don't eat duck and love them as friends not food. So we began corresponding and making plans. Then she said she had a friend with an adult female Muscovy duck who needed a home. I said sure of course we have 400 acres a river and tons of streams it's like ducky paradise out here. Then she asked if I wanted ducklings and I said sure I'll take a couple of babies. and it spiraled. We now have 9 babies and 3 adults. (I have a very patient husband.) So we brought them home introduced them to the dogs and cats who are all miraculously in love with them. The cats continue to hunt everything else while protecting the ducks! Sasha our lab mix is madly in love with ducks! So we successfully have many little feathered friends.

Now as most people know we are cattle farmers so unfortunately we frequent feed stores. Me being the princess that I am I have very little interest in feed stores. My husband tries desperately to get me to buy some boots and camo. Silly boy. So he always makes me go with because he is holding out hope that some day I'll become less princess and more cowgirl. (Not gonna happen) So we went in to get cattle wormer and there right by the door were six containers of little tiny chicks. OMG. Now another thing you should know is I have a huge fear of chickens. I have never been a bird person unless they are aquatic birds. But really who hates chicks? I mean they are living cotton balls. So I fell in love but they only had meat chicks which we were told run the risk of getting so big they break their own legs if kept longer then 8 weeks. So it looked like I would yet again admire but not be able to leave with a chick. Just when all hope was almost lost the lady said but I'm getting in a bunch of Layers tomorrow. So if you want chickens for eggs come back tomorrow. My poor husband he can't say no to me and he loves farm fresh eggs so what could he do?

So we agreed we would get 4 female chicks the following day. So we went in and he walked to the back to use the restroom and I just stood there falling in love and pondering which ones to get. Oh the options. So I told the lady I would take 2 Banded Rock chicks and 2 Rhode Island Reds. that was that I grabbed my 50lb bag of feed and I was ready to go as soon as hubby came out of the bathroom. But then I had to wait too long and four just didn't feel like the right number and I have O.C.D. so I'm weird about numbers. I mean who gets four chicks? You get three or five not four. and I certainly wasn't putting one back I mean imagine the life story of that chick. I was on my way to Chicken and Duck paradise but then this heartless women decided she didn't want me because four wasn't a magical enough number. I can't play the villain in any chickens story. So we had to get one more and the Jersey Giants are so cute and their card said nothing but good things about them so........ Oh crap here comes hubby ummmm think think think. So the pouty lip came out I gave him a big hug like he had been at war instead of in the mens room. and in my sweetest voice I said Hammy..... I got 2 Rhody's and 2 Banded Rocks but the Jersey Giants are so cute. My husband hadn't caught on yet and said so switch some out. Oh silly boy he hadn't thought through the poor chicken life story. So I said but can't I get just one of the Jersey's? He said how many chickens do I have to buy before we leave here? I said just five! and grinned and ran to pick out my newest feathered friend.

So that is how, "Hey honey, can I have 2 ducks again" turned into, "Thanks so much for my 17 feathered friends!" They truly are a blessing and the chicks remind me everyday of God's glory watching their instincts tell them how to survive and groom and knock on their giant aquarium in between chirps to try to tell me to hold them. It's so amazing how they just know how to be their perfect little selves! I wish we were all so lucky! So prepare to be bombarded with adorable pics and stories! and if you have time pray and thank God for all the little creatures in life and then maybe throw in a prayer for my husband's sanity! <3

Why I believe that everyone should own a dog at some point in life.

So first off this blog isn't going to shock anyone. I'm an animal lover I will always be an animal lover and my all time dream come true would be running an animal rescue. However, there are truly so many things that you learn from owning a dog. I think the first thing they teach you when you're a kid is responsibility, You have to feed and walk the dog and clean up their messes. Also when they are still puppies you have to keep a constant eye on them so they don't do something very bad like chew electrical cords. Or in the case of my dog Sasha when she was a pup chew daddies only pair of glasses which were very expensive. But there are so many more things a dog can teach you.

I have had a Lab or Lab mix my whole life. I truly feel like anyone can love a Lab but it's also okay to find a dog more suited to your needs and care abilities. Like if your house is full of breakable things that you keep kind of low down, then don't get a lab. Trust me Lab's tails are destructive. So with that in mind one of the main things owning Labs or puppies has taught me is, patience. I have to clean  up whatever they break and still love them. Which to be fair they love us even if we broke something of theirs.

Dogs are great because they make you laugh so much. My dog, Ranger, would do the silliest things and he pretty much always had a dur dur dur look on his face. But when he would stare at a bug on the road on our walks and then have to sneeze and smack his nose on the road. He made me laugh or he would steal paper towel rolls from the trash and want to play what we called "Bonka" which was basically sword fighting with paper towel rolls. He always brightened my day.

My Pug, Fubu used to wait until you left the room and go slap the T.V. until he got it to a channel that played music. Sasha who is part lab and part Elkhound, She is two breeds of hunting dogs. Yet she swims with our pet Ducks and Elk terrify her. She even accidentally killed a roof rat once and mourned that thing for at least 2 weeks. She knows that she doesn't have to be a hunting dog and she loves it. Dogs will teach you so much and bring such joy to your life. I can't imagine how much less joy I would have had if I couldn't have been a dog owner. I will always own and love dogs! The best thing you get from them is true unconditional love and who wouldn't want that?

The real reason I want to have money.

There are so many people out there who want to win the lottery so that they could never work again and travel and all of that. As wonderful as that all would be I think the main things I wish I had money for are to help people. I would love to be able to pay of my mom and my mother-in-law's mortgages. I would love to take them on a trip and to spa's because they both do so much for me and my husband. I would buy my brothers all houses and make sure they had reliable vehicles. I would start a college fund for my baby niece. I would do so much good with more money.

That being said I will most likely never win the lottery. I probably won't become wealthy ever and that's okay. But that doesn't change my attitude. I still want to do everything I can everyday to take away stress from my family. I would love to travel but I always think of all the people who's lives could be made better with the money I would use on a vacation. I want to be able to not spoil but just provide for all my family, and friends. I wish that more people would do good with the money they do have.

So if you are a friend or family member of mine. Just know that I may have no way to financially help you right now. I may never have that. But I'm always here to help trouble shoot. Or even just to listen to what's going on with you. I will live my life giving what I can. Even if all I can give is a smile and some encouraging words!! God Bless you all!

Many different ways to tell if you're a crazy cat person.

It's no secret I love my cats. People always tell me I baby them too much, but really until I have an actual baby what harm is it doing. True my cat Oliver pretty much has a God complex because I always tell him he's a king. But he is the king of the kitties. Bagheera may think he owns our farm but so what? He keeps the rodent and bird population under control. Little miss Rochette pretty much thinks the world revolves around her and I but I'm alright with that. I have begun to notice some things that make me believe that I may take it too far. Here's a few examples of things I have noticed and you might want to watch out for so you don't become as crazy as I am.

• Having pictures of your pets in your phone is fine. Having more pictures then you have of family may be taking it a bit too far. 
• Snuggling your cat is great but if you have ever stayed still when you have important things to do (like work or pee) just so that you don't wake the cat, It's becoming an issue. 
• If you make your significant other move over in bed to make room for your cat because she prefers to sleep in between you two , under the covers, like a human. Is probably taking more of a relationship risk then you want to take. 
• If you judge whether or not you like someone by how your cat feels about them it's taking it a bit far. Mainly because my cats hate most people who aren't Me, Hubby, my Mom, or my Brothers. If I cut down my social circle that much it's going to be harmful to my sanity. 
• If you hold your cats like a baby even when they weigh about twice the size of an average baby. It's pushing it a tad. Plus really not good on your arms and shoulders especially if you have a torn rotator cuff. (That one may just be me)
• If you rock your cats to sleep when you get home from work because you know that they missed you and had a big day. (never mind that you are exhausted and have better things to do)
• It's true that some cats meow in different ways for different things they want. My cats can all say the only 4 words a cat really needs to say, Mom, Dad, Out, and NOW. But responding to them as if they are a teen-aged human is not really normal. Nor is dropping everything to feed them because they are sitting by there food bowl (which is not empty but apparently not full enough for them.) yelling NOW.
• Playing games with your cat that are really more for five year old humans. I may or may not play both hide and seek and the floor is lava with my cat Rochette. 
• If you baby-talk to your cat more then you do actual babies. You probably need to tone it down a bit. 
• If you are badly allergic to cats and yet own three of them and do all of the above things and let them lay on your head until you can barely breathe. Maybe take a look at what you're doing to yourself. 

I adore my cats and will most likely continue to baby them. They and my other fur babies bring me happiness the least I can do is try to return the favor. So, the next time someone calls me a crazy cat person my response will probably be, "Yes, but I'm a happy crazy cat person!"  

Loosing the Legend.

This may sound lame or weird to some people, but I'm having a very hard time with the death of Robin Williams. Not just because of the manner in which he died. (I have lost a brother and a dear friend both to suicide) But also because I think ahead to when I have children and they won't know and love him like I did. They will never get the joy of waiting to see anything new from him because it's always random and hilarious. I know that is normally thoughts you have when you lose a grandparent not a celebrity. He was a huge part of my childhood. Coming from an abusive home as a child there was always two people my mom could put on the T.V. to make me laugh and calm down. Even if some of the jokes were over my head. Those two people were John Ritter and Robin Williams.

I think that so many of us just assumed that he would be around for years to come because someone who brings that much laughter and joy to the world surely should stay in the world for a while. Maybe God just missed him and knew that he needed the Lord's comfort. Or maybe God wanted a laugh. No matter what happened I think that to judge in anyway how he died is horrible. Judge not lest ye be judged. We don't know what went on behind the smiles and laughter. And we shouldn't get too. As much as he was ours he was also not ours. He was an amazing man and I can't imagine what his family is going through. On top of dealing with the horribleness of loosing their family member. They are also dealing with all the extra emotions that come with suicide. The public needs to let them be alone and mourn. We have his movies which we can watch over and over and grieve in our own way but I think some of the horrible comments made about him are absolutely intolerable.

I am in this funk that I can't get out of. Part of that is that when anyone even mentions the word suicide I go back to when I lost the people I did. It is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Also he died on the 18th anniversary of me loosing my grandmother. So I was already pretty vulnerable. I can't help but dwell on the fact that somewhere out there is a full grown adult who wasn't even born yet when we lost her. I am trying to get out of this hole of sadness and I will I'm Tuff after all. But it's hard. I just keep thinking I'm loosing all the things that made me feel safe and grounded as a child in a bad situation.

What are my favorite things about Robin Williams? Well most of them are things he did out of the spotlight that we later found out about. but I love that he could make any movie both hilarious and have a message. I think from Aladdin, to Hook, to The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, to What dreams May Come, and Good Will Hunting, no matter what the movie was no matter if it was silly or serious, He always made you smile, laugh, and think. Thank You Mr. Robin Williams for blessing my childhood and my life. You taught me lessons I will carry to the end. Rest well! See you on the other side!

Why Iron Man is my favorite superhero.

The simple answer would be that I am a geek. More specifically a Marvel geek. However most of my life Wolverine was my favorite because I wished I had his healing powers. I thought about how much more I could do if I was less sickly. Now as an adult, however, I relate way more to Iron Man. I'm not a rich playboy but I love that he has panic attacks even though he's a superhero whi shouldn't logically be afraid. That makes me feel better about when I'm freaking out about something others view as a non issue. Also he has horrible O.C.D. He can't be handed things unless its Pepper or Happy handing them to him. That's such a strange thing to be O.C.D about however so are most of my O.C.D triggers. I cannot handle a set of blinds being slightly skewed or one of them messed up. It drives me nuts and I must stop what I'm doing and fix the blinds. I feel like my problems can be so debilitating. Then I watch Iron Man and see all the amazing things Tony Stark accomplishes to spite his issues and it makes me happier to be me! Rant over carry on!

Happy Birthday Gramps

Today would have been my Gramp's birthday. We would have thrown him a birthday party. Luke and I would have invited him to the family picnic on Saturday. I think that is the hardest part about when someone you love passes and you have to go through all of their special days without them. I mean who wouldn't want to celebrate him. He was the most amazing man. He was the best Grandpa. He was my main father figure growing up and he rocked it. I still like when I shock my husband because I know how to do some random thing that my Gramps taught me when I was a tomboy. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had something that I did every year on his birthday to remember him. Then I thought about what I did today and I thought he'd be pretty okay with that. See, he loved taking care of the house and getting ready for family gatherings. He loved gardening together. and if he would have lived to meet her he would have loved KayCee and loved that I'm getting ready to have her on the farm. He would have loved the farm and seeing his little Punkin trying to remember how to be okay with having to get dirty. I try to think about what advice he would have when I'm having a rough day. Usually that reminds me to put things into perspective and do what I've got to do. The thing grandpa was best at was being a Grandpa and teaching us all the best lessons. He taught us that the best way to get what we want is to work hard for it. He taught us that if you work hard all day it can be very rewarding to fall asleep in the chair watching T.V. but the most important lesson that he taught us was caring about others and helping anyone if you have the power to do so. I always worry that as the years go by I might forget what his voice sounded like or forget how wonderful his bear hugs were. But I don't think I could ever forget anything about my hero. I miss you Gramps. Happy Birthday!

Allergies, can't leave home without them

Anytime I talk to people about my allergies they always say how much it must suck to not be able to eat chocolate or nuts or to not be able to pick all the beautiful flowers we have on the farm. Yes, all those things do suck but honestly I don't really mind too much that I can't eat chocolate or nuts or whole grain. I don't even mind so much having to avoid the beautiful flowers. What I really hate about my allergies is that I can't snuggle my cats or any long haired dogs without hives. I hate that I can never leave the house without my inhaler, benadryl, or my epi pen. I can't just try new things anymore. I have to be fully prepared at all times to fix any allergic reaction that might occur. I was lucky as a kid I was only allergic to dairy and chocolate. That didn't really have a huge affect on my life. My brothers got a chocolate candy bar I'd get nerds. That was about the extent of it. I could still run around outside and play. I could still ride bikes and make mud-pies and play with snakes. I never thought about my allergies. I miss that but I'm also thankful that I had that. Some kids are born with really bad allergies. Some kids never get to do that stuff. I'm 31 now and I don't need to be playing in the grass. What I do need is to be able to keep my pets around me without taking medications. I need to be able to just run out of the house with my wallet and keys and not a huge diaper bag like purse. I need to not be known as the girl that gets sick so easily or the girl with the bad  lungs or the girl who is allergic to life. I need to be able to be me and have fun. So allergies if you could kindly vacate the premises I would appreciate it!

Progress Report.

So I'm on the road to getting approved for Gastric Sleeve surgery. I have met my doctor, gone to both informational classes and met with my dietician. My goals set by the dietician were to Stop drinking juice and drink less soda. I quit both. The idea is no liquid calories. I'm now a water only girl! I was also told to practice eating slower and chewing very well. I have mastered both of these. I put my fork down in between bites and I chew everything to the consistency of applesauce. The last goal has been the hardest for me. I have to slowly work towards not drinking anything 30 minutes before a meal or for an hour after. I have been not drinking anything with breakfast or lunch but I'm still working on dinner. And I have to get more time between drinking and eating. I am so determined to have this surgery. I cannot wait to start this new chapter in life. It will be a challenge but I am so ready for it. Next step is psychologist clearing me and new dietician goals at my next appt. Fingers crossed with all of this prep I will hopefully have surgery in a couple of months!

The Fault in Our Stars.

This book was one that I knew I wanted to read. I also knew that it would bother me since I come from a cancer ridden family. I'll try for no spoilers but this book has a sad ending not like OMG I hate the way that ended. Which was how I felt about the Divergent trilogy. This ending is sad but the journey to the ending is so beautiful. I have seen some online reviews where people said they find the characters unreletable. I personally found them very relate able. I think people who can't relate to Hazel Grace or Gus have maybe just not been around any awesome sarcastic people. You should definitely read this book it is one that I can't think of anyone I know who would not benefit from reading it. I know that sounds strange but it's true I think there is something positive that everyone could take from this book. I love Hazel Grace because we both say, "My lungs suck at being lungs" Although hers is no doubt more severe then mine. I saw the movie and I am a harsh critic of movies made from books because I am most definitely a book reader more then a movie fan. The movie was great it captured the characters well. I loved it and will be buying it on Dvd when it comes out. That being said there were minor differences that I noticed. The egg scene at Monica's house is much funnier in the book but I loved the movie almost as much as the book so please if you haven't already, Read the book, and then watch the movie!!! You won't regret it!

Why I don't smoke.

I know that lots of people smoke and this blog is not meant to offend anyone who does smoke. I'm just sharing the reasons why I choose not to.

- No regrets. I try to live my life with as few regrets as I can. I don't want to be old and wishing things we're different. Now have you ever met a smoker who says I'm so glad I smoke I will never regret this.  Or have you ever seen an old person on their deathbed say I wish I had smoked more. Nope probably not.

- I don't like to go along with things just to fit in. So the peer pressure to smoke thing isn't a valid reason for me because I didn't want to be a sheep following the herd of others. Especially when they were doing something to shorten their lifespan.

- I have bad lungs. I've had pneumonia over 20 times in my life. Starting at a young age. Then in my twenties I developed asthma. So if I have lungs who are already struggling to do their job I'm not gonna poison them while they are doing it.

- I wanted to prove that you can fit in and have a fun and normal life without smoking. I have many friends who smoke and other then me figuring out where to stand so the wind doesn't blow smoke in my face it has always been a non issue.

- The most important reason that I don't smoke is that I love my friends and family and if I died young because of something I chose to do. That would be like me choosing to put them through that pain. I've lost too many people I love to ever put them through that.

I know it's easy for me to say because I never started smoking. Which is true it's so hard to quit but if you could inspire your children to never start in the first place, wouldn't you? I never smoked because I never wanted to have to try and quit. And because I've lost and almost lost several family members to cancer. Some to lung cancer. So I choose to try to live as long as God will let me!

Just keep swimming!

So the last year has been a rough one for my husband and I. He lost his job and has yet to find a new one. We lost his grandpa. I had another cancer scare with my uterus. But through all of this we come home every night and we spend a little time together and we unwind. We try and succeed most days in finding the bright spots. We laugh at our cats and dogs doing silly things. We can't pay our cable bill but we have spent more time reading to each other! We have had fun catching up on shows we used to watch by watching them online. We spend more time outside. We have also had to sell several things we own. But our house is getting less cluttered and we're realizing that we don't need cable or things when we have us. I used to worry that if I got married I'd run out of things to talk about with my husband. That has never once happened mostly because there is always some animal that I am trying to convince him that we need on the farm. Last night I tried to convince him that we needed a bunch of prairie dogs. I lost. The point of all this rambling is that even when times are hard. You have to just keep swimming. Look at the bright side. There is almost always a bright side. Every day is a gift from God. Try to treat it like that!

Tuff

Today could have been considered a bad day. I broke out in hives, was stung by a bee multiple times, had bad pains remaining from the biopsy. Instead I choose to look at the bright side. Today was a good day because I got to be outside. Today was a good day because my husband, my brother and I got my garden in. Today was a good day because I survived being stung multiple times. Today was a good day because even after all of that and all the allergy meds to keep me alive I mustered the energy to cook. So, even though several bad things happened I'm choosing to make it a good day. I chose to keep going and be Tuff. I chose how my day would be. Thanks to my husband and little brothers hard work we have a lot to show for our work day! It was a good day!

My journey begins

I have had my first meeting with the bariatric department. I have a binder to study, a book to read, and a food journal to keep. This doesn't worry me. So far my concerns are my food allergies. Like if I can't eat nuts and I don't eat fish then how do I keep enough protein in me? Well I was thinking yogurts and chicken will become a big part of my diet along with some whey protein powder. I would love if anyone has high protein recipe's to share! I also have been practicing chewing everything to the consistency of applesauce and eating slowly. I put my fork down in between each bite. This will be an adjustment but my current concerns are, How will I keep up my energy? How painful will it be after surgery? How much longer until I can get it? I'm so anxious and a little excited. I'm also concerned that I will not absorb all the vitamins I need. I already take a daily vitamin because I have trouble absorbing certain vitamins. I hope that as I get closer to the surgery day I will feel more and more excited and less and less nervous. My next major hurdle will be to give up Soda completely. I drink a lot of juice and water but I still like a soda a day. I will have to quit that cause it can make me sick. I think we have decided to do the Gastric sleeve surgery instead of the bypass because there is less malabsorption.  I have lost 4 pounds so far and I have 12.4 left to loose before surgery! My journey is starting and I'm pretty excited!

Biopsy

There are few words I dislike more then the word biopsy. They are not only anxiety causing tests but they are more often then not super uncomfortable. I had a biopsy today on my uterus. I'm a Tuff girl but I'm not gonna lie it hurt. This was the 4th one I've had. Last time before this it didn't hurt bad. This time my body wouldn't dilate. That is a problem because they game me medicine to make it dilate and it still didn't and especially when you are a muscular person there is no easy way to force instruments into a body part that wants to stay closed. I've had the same OBGYN since I was 14. She is wonderful and was as gentle as possible. It took about 20-30 minutes instead of the 20-30 seconds it normally does. I was in pain pretty much the whole time. Not unbearable at all since I have a high pain tolerance. I'm told that the pains from the biopsy are very similar to birth pains. This didn't make me want to rush off and get pregnant. However this will all be worth it if that biopsy comes back clear. That's all I want. So just a quick post to say to please stop and say a prayer that it comes back clear. I shall be busy thinking positively. That makes a difference I hear. I hope so!

Update! Biopsy came back clear. Everything is back to normal!!! Hooray!!! I got the news vhs on my birthday!! Best gift ever!

Dear Gramps

Dear Gramps,

        You have been gone for years now. I still miss you everyday. I wonder if you knew how much you meant to me. I hope that you did. I had such an unstable childhood but the one thing I could always count on was you. My brothers and I were getting rained on waiting for the bus. You showed up the next weekend and built us a bus stop. I wanted a goat and there you were to build a goat pen with me. You were always there when we needed you. Now you're in heaven and I'd like to think you're still there when I need you. I think about what you would think of me living on a farm. I think you would be pleased. I was always such a city girl but I loved following you around so much that I would go do "boy things" as long as it meant time with you. I think that you were the first one to see the country princess side of me.

        I used to cry every time I thought of you. I missed you then and I miss you now. It hasn't lessened over the years but I have learned to live with missing you. I will always miss you. Lately though I smile when I think of you. I remember getting the pool ready every year with you and I smile. When I'm tending my garden I remember helping you with the garden and eating all the ground cherries before we could even bring them to the house. My husband was surprised by that because he didn't think I'd eat something fresh from the dirt. All of these memories make me smile.

        If I could have one more day with you I would tell you about all the times since you've gone that I wished more then anything that you were with me. I would show you my wedding pictures. I would tell you that I love you so much and I would get as many of your big bear hugs as I could. I'd ask you about Grandma and Alice and all the other loved ones up there. I would most of all thank you for helping me to become who I am. You always made me feel like I was important. You made me feel like it was okay to be the sassy girl I was and not to always just think about others. You are a huge part of who I am and I love you so much. I wish I had one more day with you but I know that I would wake up the next day and have to go through the mourning process all over again. I know I would always want just one more day. Sending hugs and kisses to heaven Gramps. I miss you.

                                                                              -Punkin

Victim or survivor.

There are some things in life that you never imagine. I never thought my husband would loose his job and still be unemployed a year later. I never thought I'd live on a farm. I never thought I'd end up loving that farm as much as I do. I never expected to feel so at home in this place. I never thought I'd get married without my gramps there to see it. So many things in life can take you by surprise. Some can be good. Some can be great. Some can be bad. Then there are the ones that are horrible.

When you hit those horrible bumps I like to always think to myself, "Are you a victim or a survivor" There are plenty of more personal things from my childhood that were bad. My family worried I may head down a bad path from everything I've been through. I never did that. If you sit and stew in what someone did to you or the cards life dealt you then you are giving those things the power to ruin you. You may not see it like that but it's true. You are in charge of how you react to things. you can be the victim and do whatever you want and society will usually say well she was abused and molested. But that's no excuse for what you do. So I chose at an early age to make sure that my life was mine. I will be a survivor.

I have survived this far. I don't do drugs and only drink once in a blue moon. That's not normal for someone who survived what I did. But it's wonderful. I didn't do bad things just because I have an excuse that I can use. What I do is my problem, my decision and nobody else's. I understand that it's a process to overcome these things and nobody is perfect but you need to be the best you that you can. So I choose survivor. I hope first of all that you never have to be either. If you do though I hope you chose survivor. It's way more fun!

What cancer taught my family

I have had more then my fair share of family members with cancer. I've even had a couple of pre-cancer scares myself. My grandmother and most of her siblings died of cancer. My mother had a rare aggressive type of cancer when I was 13. My baby brother has fought and beat cancer 3 times. Because of all of this we have had a few lessons we picked up along the way.

The first lesson I remember that cancer taught us is pray often and pray together. God may not answer in exactly the way you want but he will hear you. I remember being with my mom and brothers and sitting in a circle praying anytime there was bad news in the family. Be it a death or a diagnosis. It felt good to know that the people around me knew what I was feeling because they felt the same way. It felt good as a group to give our issues over to God. He has a greater plan and even though I miss the people I've lost I know that they are up there watching all my big moments and that is comforting.

Think positively. I know everyone says that and it's hard to do sometimes. I remember the 3rd time my baby brother was diagnosed just sitting on our back porch and crying for hours. So I know it's hard but a good friend of mine came over and he talked to me. He got me thinking positive and it was like a weight was lifted off of me. When my mom was fighting her cancer most of my memories in the hospital were of us laughing. We did anything we could to keep positive. I remember watching her Iv line get an air bubble and we were thinking isn't there not supposed to be air in your veins. My mom said well I guess we'll find out and we watched it go in and laughed when nothing happened. She spent a lot of her recovery time watching funny shows on T.V. She is now 16 years clear of cancer and we still laugh every time we are together. I know some people who have gotten the diagnosis and given up and they declined very quickly so I will always believe that positive thinking is a big part of healing your body.

Appreciate who and what you have while they are here. You never know when someone you love will get bad news. My mom and I have this thing we say to each other a lot. We say "I love and appreciate you everyday." That way we know that even on the days we don't say it we still feel it everyday.

It's not about you. It sucks to go see your loved one in the hospital and some people are very uncomfortable with it but you don't go for you. You go for them. They need as much support as possible. I have spent many hours in waiting rooms. I got so comfortable at our local hospital surgery ward that they would say hi Steph when I got there with my mom. They didn't even bat an eye as I went to my corner pushed 2 chairs together to make a bed and snuggled up with a C.D. player my blanket and a coloring book. Yes I was a teenager but coloring was my relaxation thing. It still is. They would always offer me a heated blanket and an apple juice because they knew me so well. It was not the most fun times but I went and found ways to be more comfortable so that when my mom woke up she would see me there to support her.

The final thing I think my family learned from cancer is to stop and appreciate the small stuff. My brothers and I are random and weird and spend most of our time laughing when we are together. We learned from all of this to live in the moment when we are together. We have birthday dinners and appreciate each other. We do what we can to make each others lives easier and above all else. We love each other and our time together. We rarely waste time fighting because who knows how much time we have.

So even if you haven't experienced having a loved one with a horrible disease. Please hug and love your family and friends. don't take time for granted. Most of all have fun as often as you can. Make memories. It doesn't matter if you have 5 or 500 more years to make memories you won't regret it. I have never regretted any of mine! Love and be loved. and when something bad happens and you lose someone feel it. Grieve. Let it sink in. and lean on those around you. Maybe someday none of us will have to worry about any of this but even if we didn't I'd still absorb every second I could with my loved ones cause you know I love them :)

Living life to the fullest not the fattest.

This is a hard subject for me because I never thought I would be at the weight I am today. I was a little chubby in my adolescent years but I became addicted to exercise and toned up as a teen. I even did some modeling. At this point in my life I worked a paper route every morning and walked at least 2 miles delivering to 2 apartment complexes and one neighborhood. I would go home and do 1,000 sit ups a night. It helped me sleep. I ate healthy and I drank mostly water. I never thought I would get this bad.

It's easy to see someone and judge them. Easy, but not right. The turning point from super healthy teen to gaining weight for me started with a car accident, and then another, and another, and another, and one more. All in 3 years I was in 5 accidents. I wasn't driving in any of them. It was out of my control. I sprained my whole back on one side. Kind of a sideways whiplash from being T-boned. I had a horrible seat-belt injury and had to be monitored for internal bleeding with a different accident. I would just start to get one body part rested enough and I would injure another. I had so much determination to stay healthy but 5 accidents slowly crumbled my wall of strength.

I don't like excuses and I'm not trying to tell excuses. I'm sharing my story. Yes I had a choice I could have risked further injury and continued my workout plan. Yes I could have eaten the healthy choice every time and not the convenient choice. We can always make different choices. However I'm only human. I had days when I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was trying not to use pain medications because addictive behaviors run in my family. I thought I was making the good choices and in some ways I was in others I wasn't.

The first time my doctor told me my weight was affecting my health was a rough day. I have always been the little hyper one in my family. I have always had a lot of allergies and chronic, Ear infections, Strep, and Asthma. But I am Tuff I kept on truckin. I have always been the one who handles stuff in my family and I was loosing control of myself of all things.

There truly is a cycle. I gained weight which caused health issues which would then cause more weight gain. I am ready to tackle this. I'm ready to feel like I am my own age and not an 80 year old fragile woman. My poor family has to try not to treat me as though I'm too fragile or it makes me sad but in truth I am. I have more health issues then I can name.

I am ready to change. I have reached the point where my doctor and I agree that I have tried almost everything. We have kept a food diary and all that told us is that my body can stay fat off of only 750 calories. How is that possible? Well when I get home from work my body will just run out of energy and this isn't just the typical tired after work. This is my body forces sleep and attacks me with pain to let me know how mad it is that I worked hard.

One of my Co-workers frequently tells me I'm either 120% there when I'm at work and trying to do my job plus anything extra I can or else I'm 60% just holding on and trying not to get sent home sick. This as you can imagine is a hard way to live. I want to be 120% everyday. I would love to always be running around keeping busy. And eventually I will.

I have a long journey in front of me. Next Wed I will go in for my intake appt. for Bariatric surgery. We are leaning towards the Gastric sleeve surgery. We have done hours of research online. We have attended an informational class. I have told my boss that I will have lots of dr. appts. and this is why. I have a wonderful support system. Granted, they are worried because I am fragile. but I want my health back. I want to get healthy so I can make happy healthy babies and work a full work schedule and just in general LIVE! I want to get back to thinking about what fun things I can do and not when my next lab or appt is. I kinda have to dive into that world for a while but when I come back out I'll be a whole new me. and won't that be WONDERFUL!