Don't assume I'm normal

So, the title of this blog isn't meant to make it seem like the things I discuss make me a weirdo. I do that on my own. Ok! So, the other day I was working and I had a lady who rang several things up without getting me to do the 50% off stickers. She was then upset about the price, of course bcause it was about $10 more then what she had expected. That's fine. I went over and said "Oh, it makes me do the 50% off items for you anyway I'll just fix it real quick." She then started freaking out and talking about how much she hated Self Check Out. A complaint I hear a lot but it makes no sense to me when there are checkers with no line. It you hate it don't do it. But anyway, I said "oh yeah it can get annoying when the bagging alarm keeps going off but I don't mind fixing it." Then she said "No you don't understand I have severe anxiety," Okay well that explains the irritability so I said "Oh I feel ya me too." She then got very upset and said "No you don't understand it gets so bad I have to go to the E.R. sometimes." Okay so just assuming that because I am a happy person who is currently functioning well and smiling at work, that I must not know what "real anxiety is" is ridiculous. I said oh yeah I get seizures form my anxiety and have been hospitalized for a week to monitor the seizures before." Then she back pedaled and said oh that does sound serous. I finished with her stuff and she was on her way.

So, that shouldn't bother me, but, it does. because I just don't like people making assumptions. I try not to make assumptions when I see people. I adore some of our homeless customers and they like coming to me because I don't assume that just because they are homeless and doing without somethings that they can't have a nice conversation and make each others day nicer. I try not to assume that someone is a drug addict when they are acting strangely. So it's not fair that this lady just assumed that because I'm young and happy that I don't have anything going on behind the wall of happiness, I have very severe anxiety but I have learned how to deal with it. And , yes I can hold down a job even though I have seizures along with my panic attacks. However, all of my co-workers are aware of my health problems and I am blessed to have amazing co-workers who understand when I have an unexpected seizure. or if I need a break right away to take my anxiety medicine to try to prevent a seizure. I don't know why this lady bothered me so much. Maybe because after all I have been through in my life (raised in an abusive household, molested at age 4, having to care for my whole family at age 13 because of my mother having very serious cancer.) All of those things I survived and I grew up to be a pretty cheerful person. but assuming that just because I am cheerful, I must have an easy life hurt me a bit. I know that she didn't know everything I've been through but her assumptions hurt. It felt like she was saying that I couldn't really have anxiety.

Anxiety is something I deal with everyday of my life. Some days it's easy to deal with, Other days it's just not possible to function normally. But the main thing is I try. I find things that calm me. I read, drink herbal tea, watch a marvel movie (I know it's weird but it calms me down) I find ways to have anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and not just stay alive but live and enjoy my time on this earth. Thank you to all the people who help me with this on a regular basis. and if you ever visit my home for goodness sake don't mess up the blinds. (I'll mess you up) :p

Health Progress Report and Stamina

So it's been a while since I started my journey to getting healthier. I only have a few more pounds to loose before I'm ready for surgery. I also have to go and get my psych clearance and go to a support group meeting. So it's looking like it will probably be at least January before I have the surgery. I cannot wait. I know that sounds weird because it will be a hard journey after surgery. Like I won't be able to eat a vegetable for something like four months after the surgery. I'll be on a liquid diet for a few weeks. I'll most likely have some sickness afterwards but honestly that will all be worth it!

How do I know already that it will be worth it? Well I'm already noticing so much change in my energy and stamina. Last night I worked a full shift and then stayed an extra half an hour to help a co-worker with some of her stuff. Now 6 months ago after a night like that I would be in so much pain. I could barely walk and I wouldn't want to do anything the whole next day. But last night other then a sore back from sleeping wrong the night before I felt great! We even did some grocery shopping afterwards. Today I still feel great. I'm in a tiny bit of pain from a burst ovarian cyst but I'm still full of energy and feeling nice!

The other thing that is great is that normally before after a few days of work I would need my first day off to be a rest day. Like I would do some light cleaning and stuff around the house but no big farm things. and now I keep saying I'll need a rest day and then I decide I have too much energy and I want to go outside and do something on the farm. Or play with the ducks. I am just full of energy everyday! It's amazing and that is all with just a tiny bit of weight loss. Imagine how I'm going to be after the surgery. Like my joints feel better especially my feet and ankles! I just can't get over how much better I feel. I am so ready to be healthy again. and as I am normally quite hyper especially for someone in poor health I'm gonna be kind of obnoxious when I'm done with this journey. Sorry not sorry!

I know it's somewhat worrisome for my loved ones that I'm choosing to go through this surgery. However, it is going to lead to such amazing things. I just know that I will feel like I'm living a whole new life!

Why I don't smoke.

I know that lots of people smoke and this blog is not meant to offend anyone who does smoke. I'm just sharing the reasons why I choose not to.

- No regrets. I try to live my life with as few regrets as I can. I don't want to be old and wishing things we're different. Now have you ever met a smoker who says I'm so glad I smoke I will never regret this.  Or have you ever seen an old person on their deathbed say I wish I had smoked more. Nope probably not.

- I don't like to go along with things just to fit in. So the peer pressure to smoke thing isn't a valid reason for me because I didn't want to be a sheep following the herd of others. Especially when they were doing something to shorten their lifespan.

- I have bad lungs. I've had pneumonia over 20 times in my life. Starting at a young age. Then in my twenties I developed asthma. So if I have lungs who are already struggling to do their job I'm not gonna poison them while they are doing it.

- I wanted to prove that you can fit in and have a fun and normal life without smoking. I have many friends who smoke and other then me figuring out where to stand so the wind doesn't blow smoke in my face it has always been a non issue.

- The most important reason that I don't smoke is that I love my friends and family and if I died young because of something I chose to do. That would be like me choosing to put them through that pain. I've lost too many people I love to ever put them through that.

I know it's easy for me to say because I never started smoking. Which is true it's so hard to quit but if you could inspire your children to never start in the first place, wouldn't you? I never smoked because I never wanted to have to try and quit. And because I've lost and almost lost several family members to cancer. Some to lung cancer. So I choose to try to live as long as God will let me!

My journey begins

I have had my first meeting with the bariatric department. I have a binder to study, a book to read, and a food journal to keep. This doesn't worry me. So far my concerns are my food allergies. Like if I can't eat nuts and I don't eat fish then how do I keep enough protein in me? Well I was thinking yogurts and chicken will become a big part of my diet along with some whey protein powder. I would love if anyone has high protein recipe's to share! I also have been practicing chewing everything to the consistency of applesauce and eating slowly. I put my fork down in between each bite. This will be an adjustment but my current concerns are, How will I keep up my energy? How painful will it be after surgery? How much longer until I can get it? I'm so anxious and a little excited. I'm also concerned that I will not absorb all the vitamins I need. I already take a daily vitamin because I have trouble absorbing certain vitamins. I hope that as I get closer to the surgery day I will feel more and more excited and less and less nervous. My next major hurdle will be to give up Soda completely. I drink a lot of juice and water but I still like a soda a day. I will have to quit that cause it can make me sick. I think we have decided to do the Gastric sleeve surgery instead of the bypass because there is less malabsorption.  I have lost 4 pounds so far and I have 12.4 left to loose before surgery! My journey is starting and I'm pretty excited!

Living life to the fullest not the fattest.

This is a hard subject for me because I never thought I would be at the weight I am today. I was a little chubby in my adolescent years but I became addicted to exercise and toned up as a teen. I even did some modeling. At this point in my life I worked a paper route every morning and walked at least 2 miles delivering to 2 apartment complexes and one neighborhood. I would go home and do 1,000 sit ups a night. It helped me sleep. I ate healthy and I drank mostly water. I never thought I would get this bad.

It's easy to see someone and judge them. Easy, but not right. The turning point from super healthy teen to gaining weight for me started with a car accident, and then another, and another, and another, and one more. All in 3 years I was in 5 accidents. I wasn't driving in any of them. It was out of my control. I sprained my whole back on one side. Kind of a sideways whiplash from being T-boned. I had a horrible seat-belt injury and had to be monitored for internal bleeding with a different accident. I would just start to get one body part rested enough and I would injure another. I had so much determination to stay healthy but 5 accidents slowly crumbled my wall of strength.

I don't like excuses and I'm not trying to tell excuses. I'm sharing my story. Yes I had a choice I could have risked further injury and continued my workout plan. Yes I could have eaten the healthy choice every time and not the convenient choice. We can always make different choices. However I'm only human. I had days when I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was trying not to use pain medications because addictive behaviors run in my family. I thought I was making the good choices and in some ways I was in others I wasn't.

The first time my doctor told me my weight was affecting my health was a rough day. I have always been the little hyper one in my family. I have always had a lot of allergies and chronic, Ear infections, Strep, and Asthma. But I am Tuff I kept on truckin. I have always been the one who handles stuff in my family and I was loosing control of myself of all things.

There truly is a cycle. I gained weight which caused health issues which would then cause more weight gain. I am ready to tackle this. I'm ready to feel like I am my own age and not an 80 year old fragile woman. My poor family has to try not to treat me as though I'm too fragile or it makes me sad but in truth I am. I have more health issues then I can name.

I am ready to change. I have reached the point where my doctor and I agree that I have tried almost everything. We have kept a food diary and all that told us is that my body can stay fat off of only 750 calories. How is that possible? Well when I get home from work my body will just run out of energy and this isn't just the typical tired after work. This is my body forces sleep and attacks me with pain to let me know how mad it is that I worked hard.

One of my Co-workers frequently tells me I'm either 120% there when I'm at work and trying to do my job plus anything extra I can or else I'm 60% just holding on and trying not to get sent home sick. This as you can imagine is a hard way to live. I want to be 120% everyday. I would love to always be running around keeping busy. And eventually I will.

I have a long journey in front of me. Next Wed I will go in for my intake appt. for Bariatric surgery. We are leaning towards the Gastric sleeve surgery. We have done hours of research online. We have attended an informational class. I have told my boss that I will have lots of dr. appts. and this is why. I have a wonderful support system. Granted, they are worried because I am fragile. but I want my health back. I want to get healthy so I can make happy healthy babies and work a full work schedule and just in general LIVE! I want to get back to thinking about what fun things I can do and not when my next lab or appt is. I kinda have to dive into that world for a while but when I come back out I'll be a whole new me. and won't that be WONDERFUL!

The good and the bad

So this is going to be a post about my health and weight. I had always been a very active person. I was even told I was to addicted to working out and needed to limit myself. This was when I was doing over 1000 sit ups a day. Then one day I got in a car accident and had what they called sideways whiplash. basically I sprained most of the muscles on one side of my back. I had to stop working out. I could barely move and I started gaining weight. I was then in 5 car accidents in 3 years (I was a passenger in all 5 I'm not a horrid driver Lol) but this made it so that I would just start to get healed and I would re injure it. This was what started my weight gain, made me lose my motivation because why should I keep trying if I just get told I'm overdoing it everytime. I then started eating more junk which I think it what most 19-20 year olds do. and I've had trouble getting the weight off since. Today was one of my lazy days but I still made an effort to drink more water and get on the treadmill. I'm talking to my doctor about going into the program for weight loss surgery. we've tried monitoring what I eat and I tend to eat about 750 calories most days. My doctor say's that my body is storing everything I eat so I am taking a long time to digest because my body thinks I'm starving it. So hopefully we can move towards a healthy solution for me. I know it will be a lot of work and I'll happily put in the work if I get to see results because right now diet and exercise just isn't working. This isn't to say that I will have surgery. I'm just starting in to the program to see if it will be a good fit for me and fix some of my health issues. because I'm in a bit of a cycle right now. My health issues make it more difficult to loose weight which then causes more health issues. I have been slacking on my food diary and need to still be drinking more water but I'll try! Here's hoping I can get healthier!

Accountability

I have decided to make some small changes in my life. I want to feel better. I have never been a person who's self esteem is tied to her weight. I have been thin and chunky and I'm still the same me. The only difference is my health. I have also been thin and unhealthy and chunky and healthy. But currently my weight is not helping my health problems so I'm changing some stuff. Now I have never believed in diets I think they make you feel deprived and fail most of the time. In the past when I've lost weight it has happened just from increasing my water intake and working out. I currently have some health issues that make hard workouts pretty painful and dangerous so until I can begin a workout regime I am making other changes while I heal.from this health problem. My changes so far are. 
-I have a veggie filled salad with grilled chicken as one of my meals almost everyday. I adore salad and naturally gravitate towards a vegetarian diet but hubby helps me keep protien in my diet. So this was an easy step.

-I downloaded an app called my fitness pal. Which allows me to have a food diary right in my phone. It tells me when I'm not eating enough to loose weight and warns me that not consuming enough can slow my metabolism.

-I record everything in my food diary. It takes just a minute and there is no reason to lie because it's just for my own benefit.

-I make sure to start off with a healthy breakfast. Usually a yogurt and some fruit. But sometimes I splurge and have frosted flakes or waffles.

-I also downloaded an app that will allow me to track my water intake and it tells me how much I need to consume a day to keep hydrated and healthy. This is also helpful for keeping my kidney stones and migraines at bay. Also it alerts me when it's time to drink more water.

-Once I am done healing I have 3 different apps with workout videos on them. There is tons of variety so I won't get bored.

-I've decided that on days I don't feel like working out I will still walk on my treadmill for as long as possible.

-And finally I'm taking accountability. I am the only one who can make me healthier and I can do it. I've lost a lot of weight before and I can do it again.

Now I'm off to try to get hubby on board. Everything is better when your love and best friend joins in. Think about what small changes you can make to feel better and try it out! It's slower but usually drastic changes don't last as long. Hopefully I can stick with this and keep you all updated! Wish me luck!

Hair tips

So I may be a little obsessive about my hair. I put little to no effort into it before leaving the house but I am a loon about keeping it healthy. So I have gathered up a few of my favorite tips for keeping your hair healthy.

▪Only use a deep cleansing shampoo once a week or so.

▪When shampooing your hair start from the base of your neck and lather upwards. This helps add volume!

▪You don't need to apply shampoo to.your ends when you rinse your scalp it washes your ends without stripping all the moisture and damaging them.

▪Use a hair mask once a week. It helps add back nutrients to your hair.

▪Use dry shampoo to extend the time between shampooing. Daily shampooing can strip and ruin your hair causing split ends. It also helps add volume.

▪Use your favorite serum or oil (I use Argan oil) right after you get out of the shower. Just like it helps if you lotion when you get out of the shower this helps lock in the moisture.

▪Try to avoid heat on your hair but when you do use it use a good heat protector.

▪Don't brush it too much when it's still wet. This also causes split ends.

That's it. I hope these tips help you keep your hair healthy.

Always Against The Odds

I have always been an odd duck. I get it from my mother. When we get strep throat we tend to get the kind that like 2% of people get. If there's an extremely low chance of anyone being allergic to something then you can pretty well bet that either my mom or me or both of us will be allergic. Well 17 years ago my mom had a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. At the time we were told that nobody who had gotten it had lived past 5 years. No female had yet gotten it. Nobody younger then 55 had ever had it. She was 34. She had against all odds contracted this horrible disease. I was 13 and I took over raising my brothers who were 10 and 14. I also took care of my mother once she was released. When I see 13 year olds now I don't know how I did that at that age. I against all odds kept our family together. I kept my grades up and I kept my sanity and even perkiness through it all. My mother as of today against all odds is 17 years cancer free! There are so many people that I include in my prayers at night because of this. She had an amazing team of doctors. She had wonderful nurses who even gave her massages while she was recovering. She has had 17 years of more doctors and nurses keeping her healthy. I'm thankful for the people who supported me while I supported her. But most of all I am thankful that I have my odd duck mommy! We're odd ducks but sometimes being the odd one out it a very good thing!