FAMILY

It's been a long time since I've blogged. If you know me you know most of the reasons why. I'm going to try to get beck in to the swing of things beginning with the most important.

Okay, so if you would have asked me 10 years ago there is no way I would have been able to imagine my family the way it is today. This person has disowned that person. This person disowned me but still checks in when she hears if something really bad has happened. (So, I know she still loves me somewhere in there.) It's a mess. I think this is why we all mourned the loss of my Gramps so much because when a family looses the leader they loose themselves somewhat too. Sure when he was around people still had fights and disliked other members of the family but they put it aside for his sake.

I miss feeling like I had the best family in the world. I miss the time when I couldn't imagine a month without going to Salem and seeing all of my aunts and most of my cousins and even some extended family. I miss when thinking about a certain immediate family member made me happy and proud it didn't make me cry.

The thing is with my family sometimes it's big stuff but more often then not it's little tiny things that start arguments and lead to huge bits of time not talking to one another. Why?

This must just be me but I have had some hugely bad things happen to me at the hands of a family member. But I have never disowned a family member. I love my family and in one way or another even though they don't all see it in each other they are all pretty cool. I have Some amazing, outgoing, silly, talented family members. There are a few introverts who when you take the time to know them they will shock you with their talent and silliness too.

I pray that I can figure out a way to make us all like we were before. I want my family back. It's never too late for family. Until it is too late. I don't want to loose anyone and have them not know how much I love them. I love my whole family. the messed up one's who take more patience to love and the weird one's cause that's me too, and the ones who are easy to love.

Whether it is hard or easy to love you. If you're my family I promise to love you anyway! I know people say that friends can be family too and trust me I have a huge family via my bestie and I love them to the moon and back but I think God made my family mine for a reason and I plan on loving them until there is no more time left to love them.

One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

Who doesn't like nicknames.

So I am the queen of nicknames. I have the normal ones based off of my name, Steph, Stephie, and Stepher. Then I have nicknames I have earned over time, Punkin, Tuff, Tuffy, Tutt, Tutty, Sookie, Pookie, Sookie Sue, Pookie Sue, Pookie bear, Little one, Short Stuff, Princess, Sunshine, Momma Stephie, Aunt Tuff, Hearts,Present, Duck, Etc. The list could go on and on. I love nicknames. It means someone cares enough to think one up for you. but some people don't like nicknames not even the shorter version of their name. which is weird but okay I guess as long as your not biting peoples heads off about it if they accidentally call you by the wrong thing. I mean my advice is always don't be a dick but really people, nicknames are supposed to be an expression of fondness. however, if you are the type of person to bite someones head off about that sort of thing then you deserve no fondness anyway.

Why I believe that everyone should own a dog at some point in life.

So first off this blog isn't going to shock anyone. I'm an animal lover I will always be an animal lover and my all time dream come true would be running an animal rescue. However, there are truly so many things that you learn from owning a dog. I think the first thing they teach you when you're a kid is responsibility, You have to feed and walk the dog and clean up their messes. Also when they are still puppies you have to keep a constant eye on them so they don't do something very bad like chew electrical cords. Or in the case of my dog Sasha when she was a pup chew daddies only pair of glasses which were very expensive. But there are so many more things a dog can teach you.

I have had a Lab or Lab mix my whole life. I truly feel like anyone can love a Lab but it's also okay to find a dog more suited to your needs and care abilities. Like if your house is full of breakable things that you keep kind of low down, then don't get a lab. Trust me Lab's tails are destructive. So with that in mind one of the main things owning Labs or puppies has taught me is, patience. I have to clean  up whatever they break and still love them. Which to be fair they love us even if we broke something of theirs.

Dogs are great because they make you laugh so much. My dog, Ranger, would do the silliest things and he pretty much always had a dur dur dur look on his face. But when he would stare at a bug on the road on our walks and then have to sneeze and smack his nose on the road. He made me laugh or he would steal paper towel rolls from the trash and want to play what we called "Bonka" which was basically sword fighting with paper towel rolls. He always brightened my day.

My Pug, Fubu used to wait until you left the room and go slap the T.V. until he got it to a channel that played music. Sasha who is part lab and part Elkhound, She is two breeds of hunting dogs. Yet she swims with our pet Ducks and Elk terrify her. She even accidentally killed a roof rat once and mourned that thing for at least 2 weeks. She knows that she doesn't have to be a hunting dog and she loves it. Dogs will teach you so much and bring such joy to your life. I can't imagine how much less joy I would have had if I couldn't have been a dog owner. I will always own and love dogs! The best thing you get from them is true unconditional love and who wouldn't want that?

The real reason I want to have money.

There are so many people out there who want to win the lottery so that they could never work again and travel and all of that. As wonderful as that all would be I think the main things I wish I had money for are to help people. I would love to be able to pay of my mom and my mother-in-law's mortgages. I would love to take them on a trip and to spa's because they both do so much for me and my husband. I would buy my brothers all houses and make sure they had reliable vehicles. I would start a college fund for my baby niece. I would do so much good with more money.

That being said I will most likely never win the lottery. I probably won't become wealthy ever and that's okay. But that doesn't change my attitude. I still want to do everything I can everyday to take away stress from my family. I would love to travel but I always think of all the people who's lives could be made better with the money I would use on a vacation. I want to be able to not spoil but just provide for all my family, and friends. I wish that more people would do good with the money they do have.

So if you are a friend or family member of mine. Just know that I may have no way to financially help you right now. I may never have that. But I'm always here to help trouble shoot. Or even just to listen to what's going on with you. I will live my life giving what I can. Even if all I can give is a smile and some encouraging words!! God Bless you all!

Why Iron Man is my favorite superhero.

The simple answer would be that I am a geek. More specifically a Marvel geek. However most of my life Wolverine was my favorite because I wished I had his healing powers. I thought about how much more I could do if I was less sickly. Now as an adult, however, I relate way more to Iron Man. I'm not a rich playboy but I love that he has panic attacks even though he's a superhero whi shouldn't logically be afraid. That makes me feel better about when I'm freaking out about something others view as a non issue. Also he has horrible O.C.D. He can't be handed things unless its Pepper or Happy handing them to him. That's such a strange thing to be O.C.D about however so are most of my O.C.D triggers. I cannot handle a set of blinds being slightly skewed or one of them messed up. It drives me nuts and I must stop what I'm doing and fix the blinds. I feel like my problems can be so debilitating. Then I watch Iron Man and see all the amazing things Tony Stark accomplishes to spite his issues and it makes me happier to be me! Rant over carry on!

Happy Birthday Gramps

Today would have been my Gramp's birthday. We would have thrown him a birthday party. Luke and I would have invited him to the family picnic on Saturday. I think that is the hardest part about when someone you love passes and you have to go through all of their special days without them. I mean who wouldn't want to celebrate him. He was the most amazing man. He was the best Grandpa. He was my main father figure growing up and he rocked it. I still like when I shock my husband because I know how to do some random thing that my Gramps taught me when I was a tomboy. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had something that I did every year on his birthday to remember him. Then I thought about what I did today and I thought he'd be pretty okay with that. See, he loved taking care of the house and getting ready for family gatherings. He loved gardening together. and if he would have lived to meet her he would have loved KayCee and loved that I'm getting ready to have her on the farm. He would have loved the farm and seeing his little Punkin trying to remember how to be okay with having to get dirty. I try to think about what advice he would have when I'm having a rough day. Usually that reminds me to put things into perspective and do what I've got to do. The thing grandpa was best at was being a Grandpa and teaching us all the best lessons. He taught us that the best way to get what we want is to work hard for it. He taught us that if you work hard all day it can be very rewarding to fall asleep in the chair watching T.V. but the most important lesson that he taught us was caring about others and helping anyone if you have the power to do so. I always worry that as the years go by I might forget what his voice sounded like or forget how wonderful his bear hugs were. But I don't think I could ever forget anything about my hero. I miss you Gramps. Happy Birthday!

Tuff

Today could have been considered a bad day. I broke out in hives, was stung by a bee multiple times, had bad pains remaining from the biopsy. Instead I choose to look at the bright side. Today was a good day because I got to be outside. Today was a good day because my husband, my brother and I got my garden in. Today was a good day because I survived being stung multiple times. Today was a good day because even after all of that and all the allergy meds to keep me alive I mustered the energy to cook. So, even though several bad things happened I'm choosing to make it a good day. I chose to keep going and be Tuff. I chose how my day would be. Thanks to my husband and little brothers hard work we have a lot to show for our work day! It was a good day!

Dear Gramps

Dear Gramps,

        You have been gone for years now. I still miss you everyday. I wonder if you knew how much you meant to me. I hope that you did. I had such an unstable childhood but the one thing I could always count on was you. My brothers and I were getting rained on waiting for the bus. You showed up the next weekend and built us a bus stop. I wanted a goat and there you were to build a goat pen with me. You were always there when we needed you. Now you're in heaven and I'd like to think you're still there when I need you. I think about what you would think of me living on a farm. I think you would be pleased. I was always such a city girl but I loved following you around so much that I would go do "boy things" as long as it meant time with you. I think that you were the first one to see the country princess side of me.

        I used to cry every time I thought of you. I missed you then and I miss you now. It hasn't lessened over the years but I have learned to live with missing you. I will always miss you. Lately though I smile when I think of you. I remember getting the pool ready every year with you and I smile. When I'm tending my garden I remember helping you with the garden and eating all the ground cherries before we could even bring them to the house. My husband was surprised by that because he didn't think I'd eat something fresh from the dirt. All of these memories make me smile.

        If I could have one more day with you I would tell you about all the times since you've gone that I wished more then anything that you were with me. I would show you my wedding pictures. I would tell you that I love you so much and I would get as many of your big bear hugs as I could. I'd ask you about Grandma and Alice and all the other loved ones up there. I would most of all thank you for helping me to become who I am. You always made me feel like I was important. You made me feel like it was okay to be the sassy girl I was and not to always just think about others. You are a huge part of who I am and I love you so much. I wish I had one more day with you but I know that I would wake up the next day and have to go through the mourning process all over again. I know I would always want just one more day. Sending hugs and kisses to heaven Gramps. I miss you.

                                                                              -Punkin

Fostering and why it's important.

There are so many kinds of fostering. You can foster dogs, cats, livestock, kids, elderly people, etc. I have seen all of these in my life. I am currently fostering 3 of the most adorable quirky little cats ever. It's not something I set out to do. I had a friend who was in a situation where she required medical attention for many months. I was able to take her cats and my giant cat is the brother of these guys so it was a no brainer. My husband is luckily very understanding and let me take them in even though he does the more unpleasant cat care. See I'm allergic to cats. so they can't get too close to my face and I have constantly wash my hands after loving on them so I don't rub my eye or nose and have a reaction. I have never been able to live without a cat even though I'm allergic. I love animals. The thing about fostering is it's hard. No matter what kind of fostering there is an adjustment period. There's times when you think, "Will they ever feel at home here?" but most of the time they do. There can be issues. I've fostered dogs that had issues with other dogs. luckily they were fine with our dogs but we had to be careful to keep them away from others. One of the kitties I'm fostering I thought he'd never quit hiding from us but after almost 2 weeks of hiding he came out to eat and saw me petting one of the other cats. He slowly made his way to me and since then we've been pretty inseparable. Yes it will be hard to take them back to their mommy. But I just focus on the joy they will give to her while she is healing. We're friends so I can visit them. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that but it helps me. Either way sometimes people or animals need an in between place. Those who offer to be that place, to love them like they're family until they can return to their actual family, they have to be a special kind of person. It's so hard to let go. I think the most difficult would be adult foster care. My grandmother was in adult foster care before she passed. My mom went everyday and helped them get grandma put to bed but these people loved my grandma and cared for her like she was family. They invited us to visit anytime and we came to love these people like family. But they love these people and care for them knowing that usually they won't leave until they leave to be with Jesus. That has got to be so hard. It's such a blessing to be able to love animals and people whenever you can and I hope that one day everyone who fosters does it for all the right reasons. I hope that every animal and child and grandparent that needs to be fostered finds someone who is willing to give them all the love they need and deserve!

Since You've Been Gone.

It has been about 3 months since we lost Grandpa. Everyday something different surprises me. I'll see a car stop outside and miss him yelling and trying to figure out who it is. I'll watch football and miss him sitting there laughing at how invested I get. I'll have garden questions and have to look the answers up online because he's not here. I feel guilty anytime that I think about enjoying living with just my husband for the first time in years. I can't leave his door open or I cry when I look in. The one thing that helps is knowing that he's up there with his love again. He used to walk out on the back porch every night that it was warm enough and talk to his wife in heaven. They had such a sweet love story and I wish I could have met her but I'm so thankful to have gotten to spend time with him. Yes housework is easier now and I don't have to work my works schedule around getting home to feed grandpa. But I would trade all of the good things for even one more day with him. If I had one more day with him I think we'd go fishing. I'd let him teach me how to fly fish. I'd cook him his favorite meals. I'd ask him to tell me all his stories again. I hate that he's not here. I wish he could see all the hard work Luke has been doing on the farm. I wish he were here to tell me I look purdy. I wish I could hear him tell Sasha our dog that he was gonna ear mark and brand her and bob of her tail. While she hugs him and wags her tail. I just miss him. I know that it will get less painful with time but I still wish he was here.. :(

Homemade Goodness.

Now I know that people are busy but why do we buy so much stuff pre-made? I have found in most cases that it takes hardly any time at all to make several things at home. I make a lot of homemade soups just with whatever left overs I have. I rarely ever buy chicken and rice soup because even when I'm sick it is just really easy to make and costs about the same but tastes way better! Today I'm trying my hand at homemade banana bread! While making it I thought geez this is easy and the ingredients that go into a loaf cost about a dollar. The loaf is huge and I normally pay about $3.99 per loaf at the grocery store and even then I have to carefully read through all the ingredients to make sure there are no nuts or nutmeg. When you make it from home you know what is in it because you are the one who put it in! I have always loved cooking and baking so maybe I'm partial but I just don't know why people would not do this stuff. I also have the extra push with my allergies but most of what I buy from the grocery store is ingredients. I try to avoid pre-made things. I'm not saying I never eat hamburger helper or I never buy something frozen so I can just microwave it when I get home. But I do make an effort especially on my days off to try making things homemade from scratch. That way I know how long it takes and can allow time during my workweek! I also do shortcut recipe's sometimes. I buy Rhodes frozen bread dough and turn it into many various things. Monkey Bread is a favorite shortcut recipe in my family! What are your favorite homemade or short cut recipes? Post them in the comments. If anyone actually reads this Lol. :)

Tough decisions.

So there comes a time in most adults lives when you have to have conversations about the "What if's" I just had the life support conversation with my husband recently. Thinking back on the conversation now. I feel I could have been a tad more helpful. Basically I said don't pull the plug cause even if like. 01% of people have ever come back from whatever it is. I'm a wacko and usually in the .01% although that's never helped me win the lottery. Then I said I mean like if there's no hope then pull the plug. But don't do it because you think people think you should. You know how I hate it when people act like sheep. So basically all he got from me is hold out hope but not for too long and peer pressure is bad... Heaven help him how does he deal with me. I can't make decisions. I'm used to just pulling the princess card and making others decide for me. Lets just hope he never has to make that decision. Really how do boys deal with me?

Processing

Well the family left today. We had a nice visit with them but now my husband and I are left to process. How do we begin to live in this house without grandpa? What will we do without him here to take care of? I feel like time has slowed down. I can't bring myself to look at or sit in his chair. I think of all the questions I wanted to ask him about the farm. I try to remember everything he taught me. but mostly I'm trying not to cry so I don't make my husband sad. I have had a bad migraine ever since he passed. I don't know when I will fully break down but I feel like when I do I will feel better. I know I need to cry about it but I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep going and cleaning or doing laundry to keep my mind off of it. I promise to have a more positive blog post soon. Sorry 

Speechless

There are very few things in this world that shock me or make me speechless. I feel silly that the thing that has done this is the death of my 92 year old grandpa. People say he was 92 that was a good long life or you had to expect it he was 92. Well sorry to tell you I knew it was a possibility but I never expected it. See I always thought grandpa would live to be 110 at least. I thought he would live long enough to tell my kids stories. But now I have to tell them. I know that he had a bad heart. But he lived through pearl harbor and Normandy I thought nothing could take him down. I told him every night, "I'll see you in the morning." Never thinking that someday that wasn't going to be true. I started out this year with 3 grandparents and I now have none. I can't even begin to process my feelings. We have family staying with us and until everyone leaves and my husband and I have to face the reality of living day to day without him in our home. I don't think I will process this. Right now I feel like it's not my place to cry. I'm surrounded by people who were raised by this man. I've had him on my life only seven years. I remember when I was first dating my husband, Grandpa would call me "the girl with the sweet voice." I tried to convince Luke not to tell him my real name so we could keep that going. He noticed every new outfit or hairdo. He could always be counted on to tell you how "purdy" you were. I being the ham I am would do anything to make him giggle. I'd slowly lean over and bite my husbands arm during dinner just to make grandpa laugh. We loved watching Beavers games together. Grandpa mostly loved it because I was hollering and hopping up and down while they were winning and lying on my face pouting when they were loosing. On gamedays that I worked he'd complain that he wasn't going to be able to tell how the game was going if I wasn't running around the house. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm so scared for when it finally hits me that he's not just gone fishing. I truly feel like I could sit silently in the corner for days. But that's not very me. Maybe I'll watch an old beaver game. Grandpa I miss you.

Grown Up's Snow Day a List of Pro's and Cons.

Yesterday and today Oregon has seen some unseasonably cold weather. Tonight it is currently 7 degrees at my house. I also happen to live on a farm in the middle of nowhere on a very dangerous road even when it's not icy. Now I can't decide if I like snow days or not. Sure as a kid they were just great but as an adult I go back and forth between loving and hating the white stuff. Here is a list of pro's and cons.

PRO
I get more snuggle time with my cats.

CON
I am allergic to my cats.

PRO
My house is warm

CON
My pipes are not.

PRO
I can catch up on my reading.

CON
Nobody pays me to read.

PRO
I get to spend more time with grandpa.

CON
I hear the same snow day stories about 70 times.

PRO 
I'm much safer not going out on the roads.

CON
I run out of everything and just want to go shopping.

PRO?
Without running water I'm honing my survival skills.

CON?
I apparently can't survive without my husband lifting the heavy water jugs.

PRO
I get to stay on the farm all day

CON
I would have to cross a frozen bridge to see my cows. That is assuming I even leave the house when it's this cold.

PRO
No work.

CON
No work.

PRO
It feels very Christmasy and would be the perfect time to put up our Christmas tree that we wisely bought before it froze.

CON
We weren't wise enough to bring the stand in before it froze so we can't put the tree up until the block of ice in it melts which would happen much quicker if we had warm running water.

So there you go just a short list of some pro's and cons from my Grown Up Snow Day. Tomorrow I have a date with my footie pajamas, my book and the fireside!

Not quite a twin

My older brother and I were born 16 months apart. Since I've been able to walk we've had people assuming we are twins. I feel like I got the best of both worlds. My big bro and I are super close. We have the twin bond. We can always tell what the other one is feeling. He calls me out of the blue almost every time I'm having a horrible day. However a lot of twins are polar opposites where as my brother and I are both super social. We are both content to sit and read for hours or play video games. We are just enough alike to get along. There are ways that we are opposites. I am not a fan of bars but he works at one and loves it. I am a bit more O.C.D. then he is. I show my stress like a little chihuahua where as he tends to silently stew when he gets stressed out.

 I always have people who have young kids close in age ask me if my brother and I are close and if I think it has anything to do with our being just over a year apart in age. I 100% think that we are closer because we grew up as each others first best friends. I think it's possible to be super close even with more of an age difference (my baby brother and I are very close as well) I think being close in age can make it easier to relate to one another. But all in all I think we are all super close because we make a real true effort to be not just siblings but friends. I wish everyone could have that. I adore my brothers. Twinsy and Baby bro. I can't imagine my life without either of them and I'm glad I don't have too!

Thanksgiving stress

Every year as it gets close to Thanksgiving I freak out. I worry that the house isn't clean enough. I worry that I'll be to exhausted from working the week before. I worry that I have forgotten to buy something. And every year my whole life it ends up the same. It doesn't matter if I cook everything or not. It ends up that I have a moment after everyone arrives and is chatting and laughing that I look around and feel just thankful to be here with these people. It doesn't matter if I run out of butter or if I forgot to dust that one table. It all ends up fine. I always enjoy myself whether I be with my family or my husbands family. It is a great holiday to just enjoy what you have! I get so caught up with the hussle and bussle of working in a grocery store before thanksgiving. There are always more sweet customers then rude ones. I mostly try to focus on the nice customers! But it does threaten to ruin my joy when someone screams at me about where we keep our croutons or the fact that I'm not a bank and don't keep large bills in my register for them to give as a gift. But then a sweet customer will come up and hug me and wish me a happy Thanksgiving! Those are the moments I choose to focus on. Just like when my family is all laughing and having fun. Focus on the joy of the holiday and you will feel truly thankful! God bless! Happy Thanksgiving!

What would I do if I won the lottery?

I always see on these t.v. shows all of the stupid stuff people spend lottery money on. Why are these people winning? Come on God here's a list of things I would do if money were no object.
- Pay off my mother and mother-in-laws mortgages.
-Remodel our home
- Make sure both brothers had reliable vehicles.
-Spend more time fishing with grandpa.
- Take all of my coworkers to a movie night.
- Make improvements on the farm. (Maybe build a hobbit hole)
- Raise more rescue pets.
-Make sure that all of my Nieces and Nephews felt spoiled and loved!
- Go on a real honeymoon.
- Invest in my families happiness. Because how could you regret that?
-Take my family to Disney World.
- Go see friends and family in different states.
- But the most important thing I would do is pay it forward. Not just pay for someones groceries or Christmas presents but like do something to allow them time to enjoy their families.
I think the world would truly be a better place if I won the lottery. Just somethin to think about God. ;)

Always Against The Odds

I have always been an odd duck. I get it from my mother. When we get strep throat we tend to get the kind that like 2% of people get. If there's an extremely low chance of anyone being allergic to something then you can pretty well bet that either my mom or me or both of us will be allergic. Well 17 years ago my mom had a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. At the time we were told that nobody who had gotten it had lived past 5 years. No female had yet gotten it. Nobody younger then 55 had ever had it. She was 34. She had against all odds contracted this horrible disease. I was 13 and I took over raising my brothers who were 10 and 14. I also took care of my mother once she was released. When I see 13 year olds now I don't know how I did that at that age. I against all odds kept our family together. I kept my grades up and I kept my sanity and even perkiness through it all. My mother as of today against all odds is 17 years cancer free! There are so many people that I include in my prayers at night because of this. She had an amazing team of doctors. She had wonderful nurses who even gave her massages while she was recovering. She has had 17 years of more doctors and nurses keeping her healthy. I'm thankful for the people who supported me while I supported her. But most of all I am thankful that I have my odd duck mommy! We're odd ducks but sometimes being the odd one out it a very good thing!