Happy Birthday Gramps

Today would have been my Gramp's birthday. We would have thrown him a birthday party. Luke and I would have invited him to the family picnic on Saturday. I think that is the hardest part about when someone you love passes and you have to go through all of their special days without them. I mean who wouldn't want to celebrate him. He was the most amazing man. He was the best Grandpa. He was my main father figure growing up and he rocked it. I still like when I shock my husband because I know how to do some random thing that my Gramps taught me when I was a tomboy. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had something that I did every year on his birthday to remember him. Then I thought about what I did today and I thought he'd be pretty okay with that. See, he loved taking care of the house and getting ready for family gatherings. He loved gardening together. and if he would have lived to meet her he would have loved KayCee and loved that I'm getting ready to have her on the farm. He would have loved the farm and seeing his little Punkin trying to remember how to be okay with having to get dirty. I try to think about what advice he would have when I'm having a rough day. Usually that reminds me to put things into perspective and do what I've got to do. The thing grandpa was best at was being a Grandpa and teaching us all the best lessons. He taught us that the best way to get what we want is to work hard for it. He taught us that if you work hard all day it can be very rewarding to fall asleep in the chair watching T.V. but the most important lesson that he taught us was caring about others and helping anyone if you have the power to do so. I always worry that as the years go by I might forget what his voice sounded like or forget how wonderful his bear hugs were. But I don't think I could ever forget anything about my hero. I miss you Gramps. Happy Birthday!

One of those days

I try to be an always happy and positive person but there are still days when just all the negative things hit me at once. Today is one of those days. I have an anxiety disorder but bringing myself to actually take the medicine is even a difficult task. I feel like a failure every time I take those pills. I try to drink herbal peppermint tea to calm down. I try watching funny videos. I try sniffing eucalyptus oil. Sometimes it helps but days like today it doesn't. I won't go into whats bothering me today because it's so many things that I know in the grand scheme of things don't matter. I know I should focus on things I'm thankful for but days like this it's so hard to do. That's not to say I'm not thankful for all I have but for instance I could have all the money in the world and the best friends and a great job and my wonderful husband and great pets but I would still be thinking in the back of my mind that it is all great but would be better if I had my Gramps. It's not always about missing my Gramps but I do miss him so much. Some days it's just hard to not feel like a failure. So my game plan for today is this pointless blog, then I'm going to watch a kids movie drink tea and pray on it. Lets hope the big guy upstairs can spare a moment to fill me with his love and warmth. Any suggestions on overcoming anxiety are welcome! Hope everyone is having a blessed day!
-A less Tuff today Tuffy