Dear Gramps

Dear Gramps,

        You have been gone for years now. I still miss you everyday. I wonder if you knew how much you meant to me. I hope that you did. I had such an unstable childhood but the one thing I could always count on was you. My brothers and I were getting rained on waiting for the bus. You showed up the next weekend and built us a bus stop. I wanted a goat and there you were to build a goat pen with me. You were always there when we needed you. Now you're in heaven and I'd like to think you're still there when I need you. I think about what you would think of me living on a farm. I think you would be pleased. I was always such a city girl but I loved following you around so much that I would go do "boy things" as long as it meant time with you. I think that you were the first one to see the country princess side of me.

        I used to cry every time I thought of you. I missed you then and I miss you now. It hasn't lessened over the years but I have learned to live with missing you. I will always miss you. Lately though I smile when I think of you. I remember getting the pool ready every year with you and I smile. When I'm tending my garden I remember helping you with the garden and eating all the ground cherries before we could even bring them to the house. My husband was surprised by that because he didn't think I'd eat something fresh from the dirt. All of these memories make me smile.

        If I could have one more day with you I would tell you about all the times since you've gone that I wished more then anything that you were with me. I would show you my wedding pictures. I would tell you that I love you so much and I would get as many of your big bear hugs as I could. I'd ask you about Grandma and Alice and all the other loved ones up there. I would most of all thank you for helping me to become who I am. You always made me feel like I was important. You made me feel like it was okay to be the sassy girl I was and not to always just think about others. You are a huge part of who I am and I love you so much. I wish I had one more day with you but I know that I would wake up the next day and have to go through the mourning process all over again. I know I would always want just one more day. Sending hugs and kisses to heaven Gramps. I miss you.

                                                                              -Punkin

One of those days

I try to be an always happy and positive person but there are still days when just all the negative things hit me at once. Today is one of those days. I have an anxiety disorder but bringing myself to actually take the medicine is even a difficult task. I feel like a failure every time I take those pills. I try to drink herbal peppermint tea to calm down. I try watching funny videos. I try sniffing eucalyptus oil. Sometimes it helps but days like today it doesn't. I won't go into whats bothering me today because it's so many things that I know in the grand scheme of things don't matter. I know I should focus on things I'm thankful for but days like this it's so hard to do. That's not to say I'm not thankful for all I have but for instance I could have all the money in the world and the best friends and a great job and my wonderful husband and great pets but I would still be thinking in the back of my mind that it is all great but would be better if I had my Gramps. It's not always about missing my Gramps but I do miss him so much. Some days it's just hard to not feel like a failure. So my game plan for today is this pointless blog, then I'm going to watch a kids movie drink tea and pray on it. Lets hope the big guy upstairs can spare a moment to fill me with his love and warmth. Any suggestions on overcoming anxiety are welcome! Hope everyone is having a blessed day!
-A less Tuff today Tuffy

Coping

I am in general a very empathetic person. Because of this I have been having a rough week because someone I didn't know took her life. I know many people who cared about her. She was only 15. I cannot imagine what her family is going through. I have had two people close to me take their lives. The first was my adopted brother. The second was a friend and co-worker. I remember feeling like life had stopped. I felt like why is everyone just going on with their daily lives when clearly the world is broken. Death in general is hard. I'm not going to say that it's harder when it's suicide.(I have never had a harder time with anything in my life then when my gramps died of natural causes.) But it is a very different thing when a loved one chooses to take their life. I feel so much for people who have to deal with this horrible thing. They will all go through horrible grief that no matter what anyone does we can't ease there hurting. I wish so badly that I could take their pain away and I find myself saying all the things that everyone said to me like, " I'm so sorry" or "If you need anything call me." I know that I can't change anything or make their pain go away but I feel like I have to let them know that I care. With this type of situation there is almost always someone who says something horribly insensitive. Even with the best intentions there is always someone who comes along with no filter and says something awful. I wish so badly that I could prevent anyone from having to feel this. I would do anything to have taken the pain away from my mom and other brothers and friends from when we lost my brother. I wish he wouldn't have chosen to leave us. I wish I could have stopped him. It's been over a decade since I lost my brother and I always wonder what he would be like now. Would he have kids? A dog? Would he still be into the same things he was? How would I or my brothers be different if we still had him? It has gotten easier as the years passed. I never thought it would but it has. Good memories outweigh the bad. It still stings when I think about the funeral or the day we found out but I just try to refocus on good memories happy times or even when we teased each other like brothers and sisters so often do. I never thought at the time those would turn into fond memories but there was love under all of that teasing. I miss all the people I've lost in my life no matter how they went and I will pray both for this family who lost such a precious girl and for those who ever contemplate taking their lives. I hope with all my heart that they can find hope and live! Hug your loved ones. Pray for those who are filled with despair.

Best friends.

I find this to be a much broader term then some people think. Like I have an all time, for life, always and forever best friend. Then I have my longtime best guy friend. Then I have my newer best guy friend. I have a newer best girl friend. I have my best friend that is a mommy and my best friend and soul mate, my husband. I consider both of my brothers to be some of my best friends because even if I didn't have to I would totally hang out with them if we weren't related. They're cool guys. My mom I talk to nearly everyday and tell her almost everything. She's absolutely one of my best friends. I have an aunt who is not much older then me and totally gets me. She was my maid of honor and totally a best friend. So I think it's great for people who have only one best friend but it's also great having many best friends! I can tell you that if you ask who my true B.F.F. is I'll tell you it's my SaraBear. But her daughter is like a daughter to me and she is no less a best friend then Sara. She's just my best friend who happens to be in elementary school. You never know when you meet someone how important they could end up becoming to you. I think that's one of the great things about life. You can meet someone and think your gonna be friends for years and then then can write you off and end the friendship on down the line. Or you could meet someone and initially think your personalities just don't match up. Then you could slowly grow fonder of them and they can become a lifelong friend. Be open to what and who God sends your way! You never know what joy they can bring to your life! And you can never have too many best friends! Hugs and blessings. -Tuffy