One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

Who doesn't like nicknames.

So I am the queen of nicknames. I have the normal ones based off of my name, Steph, Stephie, and Stepher. Then I have nicknames I have earned over time, Punkin, Tuff, Tuffy, Tutt, Tutty, Sookie, Pookie, Sookie Sue, Pookie Sue, Pookie bear, Little one, Short Stuff, Princess, Sunshine, Momma Stephie, Aunt Tuff, Hearts,Present, Duck, Etc. The list could go on and on. I love nicknames. It means someone cares enough to think one up for you. but some people don't like nicknames not even the shorter version of their name. which is weird but okay I guess as long as your not biting peoples heads off about it if they accidentally call you by the wrong thing. I mean my advice is always don't be a dick but really people, nicknames are supposed to be an expression of fondness. however, if you are the type of person to bite someones head off about that sort of thing then you deserve no fondness anyway.

Raising Animals.

So, many people who know me know that I would probably be willing to raise any kind of animal except eels or ants. But even ruling them out could be an overreaction. See I have always had a fear of birds. Mostly geese and chickens. But penguins were always the exception. So then I thought to myself that if penguins are okay then maybe ducks are too. Then I fell in love with ducks and now I own 7 ducks, 5 chickens, 2 dogs, 3 cats, 20 cows. So you would think that I'll just take care of any animal that I encounter but that is also not true.

Before I got my first dog, Fubu, I researched Pugs, and health problems they can have and how much of a financial investment they can be. I looked up how much space and walking they need. I looked for what their average lifespan is, everything. I still do this with every animal I get I research as much as I can until I feel comfortable that I am familiar with their particular needs. At the time I got Fubu I had already had several family dogs and I worked in a dog grooming van. I wasn't a dog newbie. But I feel like it's your job do research an animal before you decide to be responsible for it's life and well-being.

So although it may seem like an all of the sudden snap decision to some people that I got chickens. It wasn't I had been discussing it with my husband for about 3 years. We discussed where we would keep them who would care for them if we went on vacation. How I would deal with my fear of the chickens. We knew that I would have to get babies and raise them from that age so that I would get attached before their pecking could do any damage. We knew that we wanted to raise chickens for eggs and not for meat as I can't handle eating something I raised very well yet. (I do eat our beef but I eat much less beef now that I raise them and I can't think about which cow I'm eating because it breaks my heart.) We researched what kinds of chickens we want. I have watched videos on other peoples nesting boxes. We knew how much it costs to feed and care for them. All of that. So it was in no way a snap decision. I did indeed see chicks in the feed store and decide that was the day I was going to get chicks but I still went home and slept on it and got chicks the next day.

This may seem like common sense to a lot of people but there is a disturbing number of people out there who just get something cause it's cute and learn how to care for it later. That to me is the epitome of irresponsibility. I can't imagine not knowing how to care for something before you get it. It's a tiny little life you are now responsible for and just like with children, you don't just need to keep them alive but you need to make sure they turn out good. I raised Sasha our lab/elkhound mix from a pup and I didn't need to just keep her alive, I had to make sure she knew not to nibble on peoples hands and how to go potty outside. I had to teach her how to walk on and off the leash. She has cute tricks she does like tucking me into bed and shaking, that weren't necessary but people think it's cute. It was a lot of hard work to turn her into the dog she is today. But she is a great dog now.

Some people think of animals more like decorations then living beings. You don't buy a dog to let it just be out for decoration. They have feelings and needs too. So before you go buy a bunny for your kid for Easter or a chicken for eggs or even a dog or cat. Please make sure you know not only how to keep it alive but also how to raise it and love it!

To my dear sweet Godniece

Hello beautiful, there are some things I believe you should know. Number one I love you so much from the day you were born I have loved you. Even though I have never met your father and I've always liked your mother, I love both of your parents because they made you!

I think one of my first memories of you was babysitting you and your step sister M. And neither one of you ever wanted me to set you down. I remember my mom thinking you were hysterically crying because you wanted a teddybear. Then you yelling out no I want my tuttybear. Me, I have loved you from the minute we met and I think that love was mutual.

So, please forgive me if I go all lame adult on you. Because I can't believe this precious baby that I took to see fireworks, is now a teenager who has teenage issues. I will always be thrilled when you message me. And at least for the next year or so I will be weirded out when giving you boy advice. I'm allowed that I changed your diapers. Lol.

I am so proud that I had even a tiny part in watching you my beautiful girl growing up. I will always be here for you. I will always love you and miss you when you're miles away. So I wrote this to let you know how loved you are and what a blessing you have been to my life! Your Aunt Tutty will love you forever dear one!!!

Pets and Priorities

AS anyone who knows me knows, I have a lot of animals. They are not all technically pets but on our farm we have 43 animals. Not counting the Dog and chickens that live at the other house on the farm. So it can be very hard to prioritize our lives. But I feel like it's so so important to not only keep our animals alive but also to keep them happy. I know that God gave us dominion over all other animals but I feel like if I were them I would want someone to make sure I enjoyed my life as opposed to just living it.

So when I get home from work and I'm exhausted. I still spend time outside feeding the ducks and talking to them. They love when you bend down and tell them that you love them. They wag their tails like crazy. I make sure at least a few times a week to go see our momma cows and the bull because they have grown very attached to me and if I don't go see them then they get upset and break fences to come to me. So I make sure to go and feed them some squash and pet them and just make sure they are all healthy and not acting funny. I also make sure to spend time each day petting each of our three cats because they all love to soak up the mommy attention. And our dogs each get hugs and kisses all the time they both know how much I depend on them to cheer me up when I'm sad so the least I can do is make sure they are happy. I take our chicks out every couple of days to let them run around and try to fly. It's hectic but it keeps them happy!

Some people own animals but make them more like a decoration then a family member. My animals no matter if they are technically pets or not all know I love them and all get special treats and attention all the time! It's hard being on a beef ranch obviously we have to butcher some cows once a year. Most people tell me not to name them or get too attached because I cry every time we have to butcher but I would much rather have a short period of grief and give them a good life while they are here then to just remain completely detached and cold. I want all my animals to know they are not only loved but appreciated and cherished and yes it takes a good chunk of time out of my life to do that but it's more rewarding then you could imagine! Hug your pets!

Why I like my ducks more then most people

So since I have lived on a farm I have become quite the lover of ducks. Muscovy ducks in particular. They are pretty much perfect pets if you have the space for them. I'm pretty in love with having these adorable kiddos around our farm and here are a few reasons why I like my ducks more then I like most people:

• When I come home to my ducks they run up to me wagging their tails and hissing (they are quackless ducks so they can just do this cute little hissy sound) No human ever greets me like that. And if they did I probably wouldn't like it!
• When I have a headache no matter what my ducks are quiet and respectful of it! The worst thing they can do is make some bad smells and they are polite enough to keep that all outside. 
• If I can't finish my salad guess what? My ducks will and they will love me for sharing and not thing I'm weird for trying to give them a half eaten sandwich.
• They are wonderful protectors maybe even better then my cows because if I'm outside they are with me and if anything comes near me (even a tractor or a dog) They immediately go into protect mommy mode. Which since we have 12 of them just makes me feel like a V.I.P. with 12 security guards. Are any people showing up at my door to escort me to my car safely? No not even one. 
• When I'm in a sad mood all it takes to make me smile is a hose and my ducks. They will splash around in that super cold water all day and they always make sure to wag their tails at me to thank me for the bath.
• When I need to de-stress what is more calming then watching my ducks swim in the river? Nothing that's what. and guess what? I have watched a lot of humans and dogs and cows swim in the river...... Not calming. not one bit.  
• Nothing makes you feel more special then being at the head of a line of happy ducks. They follow me everywhere and I feel like I'm leading a happy parade! 
• They never ask me for anything but snuggles and food. Both of which we have plenty for them!

They are honestly the best pets and I know they are normally raised for meat and their red faces are ugly to some people but I look at them and see nothing but adoration and happiness. I highly recommend

taking the time to love a duck! The animal not the college sports team. I don't endorse that at all :p

My love story

It's strange to me that so many people who know me and know my husband don't know how we met or even how he proposed. So since we just passed our five year wedding anniversary and we are coming up on our 8 year dating anniversary I thought what better time then the present.

To first figure us out you have to know a little of how we were before we met. Hammy (my husband) dated quite a bit and had even been engaged once before he met me but he had been single for a while before we met. I on the other hand had always sworn I would never marry and pretty much just figured I'd spend my life surrounded by my family and my many guy friends. I had plenty of opportunity to date and was pretty constantly teased about being "too picky" or "heartless" or "emotionally detached" and to tell you the truth I probably was at least a little bit. I didn't care what guy liked me unless they were Nick Carter I wasn't interested. Most of that however is because I have always been fiercely independent and I always wanted to fall in love with who I was before I felt I could truly love and be loved. 

So around 3 months before I met Hammy I had decided to dip my toe in the water of the dating pool. Well that resulted in a very misguided moment or two with one of my guy friends and then me meeting a guy who I was very attracted to physically but after about a month of dating I found out that he had a girlfriend. I wasn't heartbroken because I was never very attached to him. He broke up with his girlfriend and we dated off and on until I met my Hammy.  See the guy before my husband didn't treat me very well and to be honest I didn't treat him great either. we just weren't meant to be. But since he had initially met online and I had given him a chance, then on November 20th 2006. when my now husband messaged me online I was open to meeting him because he seemed sweet and really he couldn't be much worse then the last guy. 

So he picked me up at my house and took me to a movie. It was a James Bond movie and I'm not really a 007 kind of girl but it was fun none the less. Then after the movie we grabbed a meal at Wendys and chatted. To be honest he was super shy really quiet and hard to get to open up. Then when he finally did start talking it was all about how many times he had been in car accidents. Not the best topic for the girl who he still has to drive home and who had been in 5 accidents in 3 years all of which I was a passenger. Oy it appeared to not be going well. But he took me home as I was leaving for my job in Salem that night he asked for a hug and  my number and that was that. I thought well not the best but not the worst date ever.

First adorable thing he did was to call me from the bottom of our hill just to make sure I hadn't given him a fake number. Then within the next couple of days he went to the Beavers/Ducks Civil War game. Which is huge in my world as I am and always will be a lifelong beavers fan. I was so jealous that he had tickets. But I stayed home and watched the game. That was an amazing game. Super close and if I remember correctly it was ended by a blocked field goal attempt right at the end. Now at the time I lived in Corvallis which is Beaver Nation. So the fans rushed the field and I said wow Luke is so lucky to be there right now. then 2 seconds later the phone rang and it was him just calling me while rushing the field to make sure i had seen it. That was the second point in his favor. It was so sweet that at such an amazing time he thought of me and wished I could have been there to see it!

Then for a while he went down to his mothers house which was about a 2-3 hour drive away. We talked on the phone or online everyday. and he was so sweet. So when he came back we went on our second date. This was the clincher for both of us. It was a great date. We saw another movie and then we took a nice long walk around town talking. We eventually came upon some carolers and it was snowing so we stopped to dance. I couldn't quit looking at his amazing blue eyes. He was already so sweet and treated me like a queen. We both think that's the day we started to fall for each other.

So after a little while of dating and hearing all of the stories about how scared he was to introduce me to his mom because she hadn't been a fan of any of his exes. It was time to meet his mom. I was so nervous which I think is normal but it didn't help that he kept saying oh I hope she likes you and it would do a lot for my mom and my relationship if you to got along. (Thanks for the pressure Luke) But we had dinner with her and she was and is still to this day one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She's one of those super humans who is amazing at everything and not at all boastful about it. Then that night she called him to tell him how much she liked me! I kept thinking everything is so perfect how can it be going so well for me. I mean this was my first try at a real relationship. Nobody knocks it out of the park on the first try.

But he just kept getting more wonderful. We started a tradition where once a week we got Dutch Bros coffee and went to bible study together. Which was important for me because I wanted God to be a part of our relationship. We spent new years together. Everything was great. I eventually met the rest of his family. and  we were an item. Then one day while holding hands he kept playing with my ring finger on my left hand and I asked what he was doing. He said just thinking about the day that I get to put a ring there. Now mind you I have a horrible fear of commitment and we had been dating 3 months. I said yeah but I'm a tad freaked out by commitment. He said Okay I'll just ask you everyday until the answer becomes a yes! and that he did. For 9 months until our one year dating anniversary he said at least once a day< "hey will you marry me?" and the answer slowly morphed from maybe someday, to yeah probably eventually, to yes someday I will. So on our one year anniversary he said you keep saying yes eventually well doesn't that mean yes? I said yeah I guess it does. So exactly one year after we met we got engaged.

His main hurdles were. my Mom, My brothers and My Gramps. He passed those tests with flying colors. He's a bit of a geek so my older brother likes him. He likes to put in a hard days work so my little brother likes him and my mom just loved the way he treats me and his beautiful eyes and lips. When I finally took him to Salem to meet my Gramps I was super nervous about if Gramps would like him. Then not long after we left I got a call from my aunt saying that Gramps wouldn't quit talking about how much he liked him and that he looked at me like I was the most valuable thing on earth. So he passed the Gramps test too! My aunts and cousins were quick to adjust. They're main comment has been that he just feels like one of the family.

I made him wait a long time to get married. Not because of doubts but more because I had never thought of my own wedding before and I needed a lot of help planning from those who had (My Mom, Aunts, and Best Friend!) But we made it!! We had a beautiful beach wedding over 5 years ago. It's so strange because some days it feels like we haven't been

married that long and others it feels like it's been forever. IN a good way of course like I just can't imagine my life without him. So that it the quicky version of my love story. I hope I didn't leave anything out! BYE!

But we're where the chick and the duck live.

Big points if you know where I got the title of this blog from. So because I'm spoiled (can't help it blame my family) My husband got me chicks and ducks. So here's how it all started. I saw an ad on craigslist for 2 adult male Muscovy ducks. In case you don't know that is my favorite breed of duck because they are so sweet they are super quiet because they don't quack they mostly just hiss and wag their tails. Anyway the lady who had them wanted a home for them where they wouldn't be eaten. (Muscovy's are typically raised for meat) So I of course don't eat duck and love them as friends not food. So we began corresponding and making plans. Then she said she had a friend with an adult female Muscovy duck who needed a home. I said sure of course we have 400 acres a river and tons of streams it's like ducky paradise out here. Then she asked if I wanted ducklings and I said sure I'll take a couple of babies. and it spiraled. We now have 9 babies and 3 adults. (I have a very patient husband.) So we brought them home introduced them to the dogs and cats who are all miraculously in love with them. The cats continue to hunt everything else while protecting the ducks! Sasha our lab mix is madly in love with ducks! So we successfully have many little feathered friends.

Now as most people know we are cattle farmers so unfortunately we frequent feed stores. Me being the princess that I am I have very little interest in feed stores. My husband tries desperately to get me to buy some boots and camo. Silly boy. So he always makes me go with because he is holding out hope that some day I'll become less princess and more cowgirl. (Not gonna happen) So we went in to get cattle wormer and there right by the door were six containers of little tiny chicks. OMG. Now another thing you should know is I have a huge fear of chickens. I have never been a bird person unless they are aquatic birds. But really who hates chicks? I mean they are living cotton balls. So I fell in love but they only had meat chicks which we were told run the risk of getting so big they break their own legs if kept longer then 8 weeks. So it looked like I would yet again admire but not be able to leave with a chick. Just when all hope was almost lost the lady said but I'm getting in a bunch of Layers tomorrow. So if you want chickens for eggs come back tomorrow. My poor husband he can't say no to me and he loves farm fresh eggs so what could he do?

So we agreed we would get 4 female chicks the following day. So we went in and he walked to the back to use the restroom and I just stood there falling in love and pondering which ones to get. Oh the options. So I told the lady I would take 2 Banded Rock chicks and 2 Rhode Island Reds. that was that I grabbed my 50lb bag of feed and I was ready to go as soon as hubby came out of the bathroom. But then I had to wait too long and four just didn't feel like the right number and I have O.C.D. so I'm weird about numbers. I mean who gets four chicks? You get three or five not four. and I certainly wasn't putting one back I mean imagine the life story of that chick. I was on my way to Chicken and Duck paradise but then this heartless women decided she didn't want me because four wasn't a magical enough number. I can't play the villain in any chickens story. So we had to get one more and the Jersey Giants are so cute and their card said nothing but good things about them so........ Oh crap here comes hubby ummmm think think think. So the pouty lip came out I gave him a big hug like he had been at war instead of in the mens room. and in my sweetest voice I said Hammy..... I got 2 Rhody's and 2 Banded Rocks but the Jersey Giants are so cute. My husband hadn't caught on yet and said so switch some out. Oh silly boy he hadn't thought through the poor chicken life story. So I said but can't I get just one of the Jersey's? He said how many chickens do I have to buy before we leave here? I said just five! and grinned and ran to pick out my newest feathered friend.

So that is how, "Hey honey, can I have 2 ducks again" turned into, "Thanks so much for my 17 feathered friends!" They truly are a blessing and the chicks remind me everyday of God's glory watching their instincts tell them how to survive and groom and knock on their giant aquarium in between chirps to try to tell me to hold them. It's so amazing how they just know how to be their perfect little selves! I wish we were all so lucky! So prepare to be bombarded with adorable pics and stories! and if you have time pray and thank God for all the little creatures in life and then maybe throw in a prayer for my husband's sanity! <3

Why I believe that everyone should own a dog at some point in life.

So first off this blog isn't going to shock anyone. I'm an animal lover I will always be an animal lover and my all time dream come true would be running an animal rescue. However, there are truly so many things that you learn from owning a dog. I think the first thing they teach you when you're a kid is responsibility, You have to feed and walk the dog and clean up their messes. Also when they are still puppies you have to keep a constant eye on them so they don't do something very bad like chew electrical cords. Or in the case of my dog Sasha when she was a pup chew daddies only pair of glasses which were very expensive. But there are so many more things a dog can teach you.

I have had a Lab or Lab mix my whole life. I truly feel like anyone can love a Lab but it's also okay to find a dog more suited to your needs and care abilities. Like if your house is full of breakable things that you keep kind of low down, then don't get a lab. Trust me Lab's tails are destructive. So with that in mind one of the main things owning Labs or puppies has taught me is, patience. I have to clean  up whatever they break and still love them. Which to be fair they love us even if we broke something of theirs.

Dogs are great because they make you laugh so much. My dog, Ranger, would do the silliest things and he pretty much always had a dur dur dur look on his face. But when he would stare at a bug on the road on our walks and then have to sneeze and smack his nose on the road. He made me laugh or he would steal paper towel rolls from the trash and want to play what we called "Bonka" which was basically sword fighting with paper towel rolls. He always brightened my day.

My Pug, Fubu used to wait until you left the room and go slap the T.V. until he got it to a channel that played music. Sasha who is part lab and part Elkhound, She is two breeds of hunting dogs. Yet she swims with our pet Ducks and Elk terrify her. She even accidentally killed a roof rat once and mourned that thing for at least 2 weeks. She knows that she doesn't have to be a hunting dog and she loves it. Dogs will teach you so much and bring such joy to your life. I can't imagine how much less joy I would have had if I couldn't have been a dog owner. I will always own and love dogs! The best thing you get from them is true unconditional love and who wouldn't want that?

The real reason I want to have money.

There are so many people out there who want to win the lottery so that they could never work again and travel and all of that. As wonderful as that all would be I think the main things I wish I had money for are to help people. I would love to be able to pay of my mom and my mother-in-law's mortgages. I would love to take them on a trip and to spa's because they both do so much for me and my husband. I would buy my brothers all houses and make sure they had reliable vehicles. I would start a college fund for my baby niece. I would do so much good with more money.

That being said I will most likely never win the lottery. I probably won't become wealthy ever and that's okay. But that doesn't change my attitude. I still want to do everything I can everyday to take away stress from my family. I would love to travel but I always think of all the people who's lives could be made better with the money I would use on a vacation. I want to be able to not spoil but just provide for all my family, and friends. I wish that more people would do good with the money they do have.

So if you are a friend or family member of mine. Just know that I may have no way to financially help you right now. I may never have that. But I'm always here to help trouble shoot. Or even just to listen to what's going on with you. I will live my life giving what I can. Even if all I can give is a smile and some encouraging words!! God Bless you all!

Many different ways to tell if you're a crazy cat person.

It's no secret I love my cats. People always tell me I baby them too much, but really until I have an actual baby what harm is it doing. True my cat Oliver pretty much has a God complex because I always tell him he's a king. But he is the king of the kitties. Bagheera may think he owns our farm but so what? He keeps the rodent and bird population under control. Little miss Rochette pretty much thinks the world revolves around her and I but I'm alright with that. I have begun to notice some things that make me believe that I may take it too far. Here's a few examples of things I have noticed and you might want to watch out for so you don't become as crazy as I am.

• Having pictures of your pets in your phone is fine. Having more pictures then you have of family may be taking it a bit too far. 
• Snuggling your cat is great but if you have ever stayed still when you have important things to do (like work or pee) just so that you don't wake the cat, It's becoming an issue. 
• If you make your significant other move over in bed to make room for your cat because she prefers to sleep in between you two , under the covers, like a human. Is probably taking more of a relationship risk then you want to take. 
• If you judge whether or not you like someone by how your cat feels about them it's taking it a bit far. Mainly because my cats hate most people who aren't Me, Hubby, my Mom, or my Brothers. If I cut down my social circle that much it's going to be harmful to my sanity. 
• If you hold your cats like a baby even when they weigh about twice the size of an average baby. It's pushing it a tad. Plus really not good on your arms and shoulders especially if you have a torn rotator cuff. (That one may just be me)
• If you rock your cats to sleep when you get home from work because you know that they missed you and had a big day. (never mind that you are exhausted and have better things to do)
• It's true that some cats meow in different ways for different things they want. My cats can all say the only 4 words a cat really needs to say, Mom, Dad, Out, and NOW. But responding to them as if they are a teen-aged human is not really normal. Nor is dropping everything to feed them because they are sitting by there food bowl (which is not empty but apparently not full enough for them.) yelling NOW.
• Playing games with your cat that are really more for five year old humans. I may or may not play both hide and seek and the floor is lava with my cat Rochette. 
• If you baby-talk to your cat more then you do actual babies. You probably need to tone it down a bit. 
• If you are badly allergic to cats and yet own three of them and do all of the above things and let them lay on your head until you can barely breathe. Maybe take a look at what you're doing to yourself. 

I adore my cats and will most likely continue to baby them. They and my other fur babies bring me happiness the least I can do is try to return the favor. So, the next time someone calls me a crazy cat person my response will probably be, "Yes, but I'm a happy crazy cat person!"  

Loosing the Legend.

This may sound lame or weird to some people, but I'm having a very hard time with the death of Robin Williams. Not just because of the manner in which he died. (I have lost a brother and a dear friend both to suicide) But also because I think ahead to when I have children and they won't know and love him like I did. They will never get the joy of waiting to see anything new from him because it's always random and hilarious. I know that is normally thoughts you have when you lose a grandparent not a celebrity. He was a huge part of my childhood. Coming from an abusive home as a child there was always two people my mom could put on the T.V. to make me laugh and calm down. Even if some of the jokes were over my head. Those two people were John Ritter and Robin Williams.

I think that so many of us just assumed that he would be around for years to come because someone who brings that much laughter and joy to the world surely should stay in the world for a while. Maybe God just missed him and knew that he needed the Lord's comfort. Or maybe God wanted a laugh. No matter what happened I think that to judge in anyway how he died is horrible. Judge not lest ye be judged. We don't know what went on behind the smiles and laughter. And we shouldn't get too. As much as he was ours he was also not ours. He was an amazing man and I can't imagine what his family is going through. On top of dealing with the horribleness of loosing their family member. They are also dealing with all the extra emotions that come with suicide. The public needs to let them be alone and mourn. We have his movies which we can watch over and over and grieve in our own way but I think some of the horrible comments made about him are absolutely intolerable.

I am in this funk that I can't get out of. Part of that is that when anyone even mentions the word suicide I go back to when I lost the people I did. It is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Also he died on the 18th anniversary of me loosing my grandmother. So I was already pretty vulnerable. I can't help but dwell on the fact that somewhere out there is a full grown adult who wasn't even born yet when we lost her. I am trying to get out of this hole of sadness and I will I'm Tuff after all. But it's hard. I just keep thinking I'm loosing all the things that made me feel safe and grounded as a child in a bad situation.

What are my favorite things about Robin Williams? Well most of them are things he did out of the spotlight that we later found out about. but I love that he could make any movie both hilarious and have a message. I think from Aladdin, to Hook, to The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, to What dreams May Come, and Good Will Hunting, no matter what the movie was no matter if it was silly or serious, He always made you smile, laugh, and think. Thank You Mr. Robin Williams for blessing my childhood and my life. You taught me lessons I will carry to the end. Rest well! See you on the other side!

Dear Gramps

Dear Gramps,

        You have been gone for years now. I still miss you everyday. I wonder if you knew how much you meant to me. I hope that you did. I had such an unstable childhood but the one thing I could always count on was you. My brothers and I were getting rained on waiting for the bus. You showed up the next weekend and built us a bus stop. I wanted a goat and there you were to build a goat pen with me. You were always there when we needed you. Now you're in heaven and I'd like to think you're still there when I need you. I think about what you would think of me living on a farm. I think you would be pleased. I was always such a city girl but I loved following you around so much that I would go do "boy things" as long as it meant time with you. I think that you were the first one to see the country princess side of me.

        I used to cry every time I thought of you. I missed you then and I miss you now. It hasn't lessened over the years but I have learned to live with missing you. I will always miss you. Lately though I smile when I think of you. I remember getting the pool ready every year with you and I smile. When I'm tending my garden I remember helping you with the garden and eating all the ground cherries before we could even bring them to the house. My husband was surprised by that because he didn't think I'd eat something fresh from the dirt. All of these memories make me smile.

        If I could have one more day with you I would tell you about all the times since you've gone that I wished more then anything that you were with me. I would show you my wedding pictures. I would tell you that I love you so much and I would get as many of your big bear hugs as I could. I'd ask you about Grandma and Alice and all the other loved ones up there. I would most of all thank you for helping me to become who I am. You always made me feel like I was important. You made me feel like it was okay to be the sassy girl I was and not to always just think about others. You are a huge part of who I am and I love you so much. I wish I had one more day with you but I know that I would wake up the next day and have to go through the mourning process all over again. I know I would always want just one more day. Sending hugs and kisses to heaven Gramps. I miss you.

                                                                              -Punkin

They call me Snow White.

Ever since I could walk I remember loving animals. We used to visit a place called grandkid acres. I would feed the giraffes and pet the horses. The goats would follow me along the fence line. I even pet a hyena there thinking it was a dog. See, animals have never been afraid of me. Squirrels will come stand on my feet while playing. Raccoons follow me everywhere. I have had a wild cougar walk right past me. Because of this fact my family has dubbed this my Snow White Syndrome. It works well on babies too. Some of the most shy kids ever will come right up and talk to me at work. I would never give up this gift fir anything. My husband worries because anytime we drive by a dangerous creature like a bear or a cougar they try to keep pace with the vehicle. I insist that they like me and want to see me my husband says they want to kill and eat me. I love that birds will land on my shoulders. Our cows act like I am a drug they are addicted to. A few have lost their voice from mooing for me all day. This does make me take it very hard for me when an animal dies. Even possums I cry when I see road kill. But the joy I get from having a big cow run up and put her head against my belly to hug me. Or when the blue crane that live on our farm walks with me up the river. I will take that feeling over anything. It is sometimes irritating because I can't be with all the animals all the time so there is a lot of crying for me that goes on. Even the crane squawks when I'm with too many people and he's afraid to get close. The fact that these animals trust me 100% as soon as the see me is amazing. I love being Snow White. This is one syndrome I'll happily keep. :)

Why feminism isn't for me.

Some people call me old fashioned others, sexist. I don't think I'm either of those things. Now don't get me wrong I believe that all women should be able to make their own decisions and get equal pay for equal work. However, some feminists I know act like women don't need men for anything. That's just plain not true. Each gender needs the other for certain things. Each person needs different things from the other.gender. I, for example, am a small person so I need my husbands help with hard physical labor or anything high up. He needs my help with keeping things clean and sanitary. I need his help to calm my emotions. He needs my help to remind him of his empathy. Sure we could survive without each other but it would be unpleasant. I could go get a ladder everytime I need to reach something off the top shelf but it's nice to just be able to say hey honey. I know that my opinion on feminism isn't the current popular opinion. I prefer a man to open the door for me. I like being treated like a princess and it makes me feel respected and valued. I never feel like my husband is diminishing my strength  when he carries the heavy groceries and leaves me the light ones. It's easier for him so he does it. Just like it's easier for me to bake because I grew up doing it. Now I don't live in a house where I always cook and clean and he always does the hard chores. He will help me cook and clean. I will help him build fence and herd cattle. We both understand that we can do anything we set our minds to. But it's more fun and easier with teamwork. Plus we can't make more sassy princesses without men. I juat think some feminists take it too far. Past equality to acting like women deserve things more then men. I will always be pro-equality. But I don't think I will ever think of myself as a feminist. I will love honor and cherish my husband as long as he returns the favor! Equality for everyone should be the goal. God didn't make one gender better or worse. We both have strengths and weaknesses. Each individual person has different strengths and weaknesses. We must learn to not judge a book by it's gender.

Shasha the dog that doesn't fit in.

This is my dog, Sasha. I got her as an early Christmas present for my husband a few years ago. Her daddy is Lab/Norwegian Elkhound. And her mommy is Lab/Jack Russell. She is the thing I never knew I needed. But I'll save all her praises for another day. Sasha's most outstanding quality is her love and compassion. She feeds her stuffed animals everyday. They take turns going head first into her (usually already empty) food dish. She loves all animals. We have cattle and she plays with the babies. They kiss noses. She has a Puggle brother who she adores. When we had ducks she would kiss them and swim with them. She and Carlisle (my duck) would run up to each other so she could kiss his beak. She once found a little roof rat she wanted to be friends with. But she played to rough and accidentally killed him. She looked so sad. She didn't want to come in she kept poking him with her nose trying to wake him. She mourned that stupid rat for weeks. She would go outside and go straight to that spot and lay down and pout. She never makes noises but she would wimper at night. She is truely the most warm hearted dog. So on the farm she can't understand why the chickens run from her. She doesn't know why they don't want her kisses. The only thing she is lacking is any skills to actually be a dog. See when she was a puppy she was around an unfixed male dog and my husband taught her to sit when he tried sniffing around her area. Well as I'm sure you know dogs get to know each other by sniffing each other's areas. But Sasha is a lady. So any dog comes up and she sits. Which leads to every dog looking at her like she's nuts and leaving her alone. My husband was recently building fence with two family friends and between the two of them they have 3 dogs. All slightly smaller then Sash. So Hubby took Sasha with him. All the other dogs ran and played while Sasha sat by her human and watched him build fence. During a break he saw a mouse. She did everything she could to try to befriend that mouse. Slowly approaching and even crawling on her belly under a farm vehicle because her friend was running away from her under there. Poor girl she gets along great with her brother, Riley the puggle. And she is never mean to other dogs she just doesn't fit in. Her daddy taght her to be a lady which made her socially awkward around other dogs. Anything from lizards to birds to cats or beavers are her friends, but not dogs, dogs are weird.

Fostering and why it's important.

There are so many kinds of fostering. You can foster dogs, cats, livestock, kids, elderly people, etc. I have seen all of these in my life. I am currently fostering 3 of the most adorable quirky little cats ever. It's not something I set out to do. I had a friend who was in a situation where she required medical attention for many months. I was able to take her cats and my giant cat is the brother of these guys so it was a no brainer. My husband is luckily very understanding and let me take them in even though he does the more unpleasant cat care. See I'm allergic to cats. so they can't get too close to my face and I have constantly wash my hands after loving on them so I don't rub my eye or nose and have a reaction. I have never been able to live without a cat even though I'm allergic. I love animals. The thing about fostering is it's hard. No matter what kind of fostering there is an adjustment period. There's times when you think, "Will they ever feel at home here?" but most of the time they do. There can be issues. I've fostered dogs that had issues with other dogs. luckily they were fine with our dogs but we had to be careful to keep them away from others. One of the kitties I'm fostering I thought he'd never quit hiding from us but after almost 2 weeks of hiding he came out to eat and saw me petting one of the other cats. He slowly made his way to me and since then we've been pretty inseparable. Yes it will be hard to take them back to their mommy. But I just focus on the joy they will give to her while she is healing. We're friends so I can visit them. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that but it helps me. Either way sometimes people or animals need an in between place. Those who offer to be that place, to love them like they're family until they can return to their actual family, they have to be a special kind of person. It's so hard to let go. I think the most difficult would be adult foster care. My grandmother was in adult foster care before she passed. My mom went everyday and helped them get grandma put to bed but these people loved my grandma and cared for her like she was family. They invited us to visit anytime and we came to love these people like family. But they love these people and care for them knowing that usually they won't leave until they leave to be with Jesus. That has got to be so hard. It's such a blessing to be able to love animals and people whenever you can and I hope that one day everyone who fosters does it for all the right reasons. I hope that every animal and child and grandparent that needs to be fostered finds someone who is willing to give them all the love they need and deserve!

Since You've Been Gone.

It has been about 3 months since we lost Grandpa. Everyday something different surprises me. I'll see a car stop outside and miss him yelling and trying to figure out who it is. I'll watch football and miss him sitting there laughing at how invested I get. I'll have garden questions and have to look the answers up online because he's not here. I feel guilty anytime that I think about enjoying living with just my husband for the first time in years. I can't leave his door open or I cry when I look in. The one thing that helps is knowing that he's up there with his love again. He used to walk out on the back porch every night that it was warm enough and talk to his wife in heaven. They had such a sweet love story and I wish I could have met her but I'm so thankful to have gotten to spend time with him. Yes housework is easier now and I don't have to work my works schedule around getting home to feed grandpa. But I would trade all of the good things for even one more day with him. If I had one more day with him I think we'd go fishing. I'd let him teach me how to fly fish. I'd cook him his favorite meals. I'd ask him to tell me all his stories again. I hate that he's not here. I wish he could see all the hard work Luke has been doing on the farm. I wish he were here to tell me I look purdy. I wish I could hear him tell Sasha our dog that he was gonna ear mark and brand her and bob of her tail. While she hugs him and wags her tail. I just miss him. I know that it will get less painful with time but I still wish he was here.. :(

Tough decisions.

So there comes a time in most adults lives when you have to have conversations about the "What if's" I just had the life support conversation with my husband recently. Thinking back on the conversation now. I feel I could have been a tad more helpful. Basically I said don't pull the plug cause even if like. 01% of people have ever come back from whatever it is. I'm a wacko and usually in the .01% although that's never helped me win the lottery. Then I said I mean like if there's no hope then pull the plug. But don't do it because you think people think you should. You know how I hate it when people act like sheep. So basically all he got from me is hold out hope but not for too long and peer pressure is bad... Heaven help him how does he deal with me. I can't make decisions. I'm used to just pulling the princess card and making others decide for me. Lets just hope he never has to make that decision. Really how do boys deal with me?

Speechless

There are very few things in this world that shock me or make me speechless. I feel silly that the thing that has done this is the death of my 92 year old grandpa. People say he was 92 that was a good long life or you had to expect it he was 92. Well sorry to tell you I knew it was a possibility but I never expected it. See I always thought grandpa would live to be 110 at least. I thought he would live long enough to tell my kids stories. But now I have to tell them. I know that he had a bad heart. But he lived through pearl harbor and Normandy I thought nothing could take him down. I told him every night, "I'll see you in the morning." Never thinking that someday that wasn't going to be true. I started out this year with 3 grandparents and I now have none. I can't even begin to process my feelings. We have family staying with us and until everyone leaves and my husband and I have to face the reality of living day to day without him in our home. I don't think I will process this. Right now I feel like it's not my place to cry. I'm surrounded by people who were raised by this man. I've had him on my life only seven years. I remember when I was first dating my husband, Grandpa would call me "the girl with the sweet voice." I tried to convince Luke not to tell him my real name so we could keep that going. He noticed every new outfit or hairdo. He could always be counted on to tell you how "purdy" you were. I being the ham I am would do anything to make him giggle. I'd slowly lean over and bite my husbands arm during dinner just to make grandpa laugh. We loved watching Beavers games together. Grandpa mostly loved it because I was hollering and hopping up and down while they were winning and lying on my face pouting when they were loosing. On gamedays that I worked he'd complain that he wasn't going to be able to tell how the game was going if I wasn't running around the house. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm so scared for when it finally hits me that he's not just gone fishing. I truly feel like I could sit silently in the corner for days. But that's not very me. Maybe I'll watch an old beaver game. Grandpa I miss you.