Dear Brittany Maynard

Dear Brittany,

I am writing this to thank you. You dear sweet girl are facing the most terrifying thing I can imagine. I have no clue how you must feel. But I hope part of how you feel is proud of yourself. I have always lived here in Oregon so I have given little thought to the death with dignity law. It has always been something that was just a given to me. Selfishly, I never thought about people in other states that don't have this law and you, Brittany, have made me think about it. I hope that you know that I think you are truly one of the most brave people I've ever heard about. You are a soldier fighting a battle you know you can't win but you continue fighting so the battle can end on your terms. That is amazing. I want to thank you, not just for raising awareness for this cause but also for making the world a better place and me a better person. No, we have never met but still you are impacting my life. Reading your story I saw your age and thought, "Wow, she's even younger then I am." I read what all you have done and thought, "I need more adventure." I read how you have only been married a short time, and it made me more thankful for every moment I get with my husband. I see how you want to spend your last days and I just want to hug my family. I think that your affect on people is far more then you could ever grasp. I think that spending even a second doing anything but whatever you want is so selfless because you have so few moments left. Look at you and the time you are spending to raise awareness. It makes anyone who says they don't have time to do good deeds seem ridiculous. Please know that you have so many people praying for you and your family and friends. I pray that you have a smooth passage. When you get to Heaven maybe God will show you how much good you have done. I promise to pay more attention to issues that may not affect me or my family. I promise to cherish my moments more and I promise to remember you! You are truly a hero. You're in my thoughts and prayers! I hope to be even half the blessing you have been to this world. I wish you a calm, safe, comforting passage!

-Tuffy

For anyone who hasn't heard of Brittany Maynard her website is www.thebrittanyfund.org You can learn about her journey, donate, and sign her birthday card!

P.S. Brittany Happy Birthday!

Loosing the Legend.

This may sound lame or weird to some people, but I'm having a very hard time with the death of Robin Williams. Not just because of the manner in which he died. (I have lost a brother and a dear friend both to suicide) But also because I think ahead to when I have children and they won't know and love him like I did. They will never get the joy of waiting to see anything new from him because it's always random and hilarious. I know that is normally thoughts you have when you lose a grandparent not a celebrity. He was a huge part of my childhood. Coming from an abusive home as a child there was always two people my mom could put on the T.V. to make me laugh and calm down. Even if some of the jokes were over my head. Those two people were John Ritter and Robin Williams.

I think that so many of us just assumed that he would be around for years to come because someone who brings that much laughter and joy to the world surely should stay in the world for a while. Maybe God just missed him and knew that he needed the Lord's comfort. Or maybe God wanted a laugh. No matter what happened I think that to judge in anyway how he died is horrible. Judge not lest ye be judged. We don't know what went on behind the smiles and laughter. And we shouldn't get too. As much as he was ours he was also not ours. He was an amazing man and I can't imagine what his family is going through. On top of dealing with the horribleness of loosing their family member. They are also dealing with all the extra emotions that come with suicide. The public needs to let them be alone and mourn. We have his movies which we can watch over and over and grieve in our own way but I think some of the horrible comments made about him are absolutely intolerable.

I am in this funk that I can't get out of. Part of that is that when anyone even mentions the word suicide I go back to when I lost the people I did. It is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Also he died on the 18th anniversary of me loosing my grandmother. So I was already pretty vulnerable. I can't help but dwell on the fact that somewhere out there is a full grown adult who wasn't even born yet when we lost her. I am trying to get out of this hole of sadness and I will I'm Tuff after all. But it's hard. I just keep thinking I'm loosing all the things that made me feel safe and grounded as a child in a bad situation.

What are my favorite things about Robin Williams? Well most of them are things he did out of the spotlight that we later found out about. but I love that he could make any movie both hilarious and have a message. I think from Aladdin, to Hook, to The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, to What dreams May Come, and Good Will Hunting, no matter what the movie was no matter if it was silly or serious, He always made you smile, laugh, and think. Thank You Mr. Robin Williams for blessing my childhood and my life. You taught me lessons I will carry to the end. Rest well! See you on the other side!

Tough decisions.

So there comes a time in most adults lives when you have to have conversations about the "What if's" I just had the life support conversation with my husband recently. Thinking back on the conversation now. I feel I could have been a tad more helpful. Basically I said don't pull the plug cause even if like. 01% of people have ever come back from whatever it is. I'm a wacko and usually in the .01% although that's never helped me win the lottery. Then I said I mean like if there's no hope then pull the plug. But don't do it because you think people think you should. You know how I hate it when people act like sheep. So basically all he got from me is hold out hope but not for too long and peer pressure is bad... Heaven help him how does he deal with me. I can't make decisions. I'm used to just pulling the princess card and making others decide for me. Lets just hope he never has to make that decision. Really how do boys deal with me?

Speechless

There are very few things in this world that shock me or make me speechless. I feel silly that the thing that has done this is the death of my 92 year old grandpa. People say he was 92 that was a good long life or you had to expect it he was 92. Well sorry to tell you I knew it was a possibility but I never expected it. See I always thought grandpa would live to be 110 at least. I thought he would live long enough to tell my kids stories. But now I have to tell them. I know that he had a bad heart. But he lived through pearl harbor and Normandy I thought nothing could take him down. I told him every night, "I'll see you in the morning." Never thinking that someday that wasn't going to be true. I started out this year with 3 grandparents and I now have none. I can't even begin to process my feelings. We have family staying with us and until everyone leaves and my husband and I have to face the reality of living day to day without him in our home. I don't think I will process this. Right now I feel like it's not my place to cry. I'm surrounded by people who were raised by this man. I've had him on my life only seven years. I remember when I was first dating my husband, Grandpa would call me "the girl with the sweet voice." I tried to convince Luke not to tell him my real name so we could keep that going. He noticed every new outfit or hairdo. He could always be counted on to tell you how "purdy" you were. I being the ham I am would do anything to make him giggle. I'd slowly lean over and bite my husbands arm during dinner just to make grandpa laugh. We loved watching Beavers games together. Grandpa mostly loved it because I was hollering and hopping up and down while they were winning and lying on my face pouting when they were loosing. On gamedays that I worked he'd complain that he wasn't going to be able to tell how the game was going if I wasn't running around the house. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm so scared for when it finally hits me that he's not just gone fishing. I truly feel like I could sit silently in the corner for days. But that's not very me. Maybe I'll watch an old beaver game. Grandpa I miss you.