Loosing the Legend.

This may sound lame or weird to some people, but I'm having a very hard time with the death of Robin Williams. Not just because of the manner in which he died. (I have lost a brother and a dear friend both to suicide) But also because I think ahead to when I have children and they won't know and love him like I did. They will never get the joy of waiting to see anything new from him because it's always random and hilarious. I know that is normally thoughts you have when you lose a grandparent not a celebrity. He was a huge part of my childhood. Coming from an abusive home as a child there was always two people my mom could put on the T.V. to make me laugh and calm down. Even if some of the jokes were over my head. Those two people were John Ritter and Robin Williams.

I think that so many of us just assumed that he would be around for years to come because someone who brings that much laughter and joy to the world surely should stay in the world for a while. Maybe God just missed him and knew that he needed the Lord's comfort. Or maybe God wanted a laugh. No matter what happened I think that to judge in anyway how he died is horrible. Judge not lest ye be judged. We don't know what went on behind the smiles and laughter. And we shouldn't get too. As much as he was ours he was also not ours. He was an amazing man and I can't imagine what his family is going through. On top of dealing with the horribleness of loosing their family member. They are also dealing with all the extra emotions that come with suicide. The public needs to let them be alone and mourn. We have his movies which we can watch over and over and grieve in our own way but I think some of the horrible comments made about him are absolutely intolerable.

I am in this funk that I can't get out of. Part of that is that when anyone even mentions the word suicide I go back to when I lost the people I did. It is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Also he died on the 18th anniversary of me loosing my grandmother. So I was already pretty vulnerable. I can't help but dwell on the fact that somewhere out there is a full grown adult who wasn't even born yet when we lost her. I am trying to get out of this hole of sadness and I will I'm Tuff after all. But it's hard. I just keep thinking I'm loosing all the things that made me feel safe and grounded as a child in a bad situation.

What are my favorite things about Robin Williams? Well most of them are things he did out of the spotlight that we later found out about. but I love that he could make any movie both hilarious and have a message. I think from Aladdin, to Hook, to The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, to What dreams May Come, and Good Will Hunting, no matter what the movie was no matter if it was silly or serious, He always made you smile, laugh, and think. Thank You Mr. Robin Williams for blessing my childhood and my life. You taught me lessons I will carry to the end. Rest well! See you on the other side!

Victim or survivor.

There are some things in life that you never imagine. I never thought my husband would loose his job and still be unemployed a year later. I never thought I'd live on a farm. I never thought I'd end up loving that farm as much as I do. I never expected to feel so at home in this place. I never thought I'd get married without my gramps there to see it. So many things in life can take you by surprise. Some can be good. Some can be great. Some can be bad. Then there are the ones that are horrible.

When you hit those horrible bumps I like to always think to myself, "Are you a victim or a survivor" There are plenty of more personal things from my childhood that were bad. My family worried I may head down a bad path from everything I've been through. I never did that. If you sit and stew in what someone did to you or the cards life dealt you then you are giving those things the power to ruin you. You may not see it like that but it's true. You are in charge of how you react to things. you can be the victim and do whatever you want and society will usually say well she was abused and molested. But that's no excuse for what you do. So I chose at an early age to make sure that my life was mine. I will be a survivor.

I have survived this far. I don't do drugs and only drink once in a blue moon. That's not normal for someone who survived what I did. But it's wonderful. I didn't do bad things just because I have an excuse that I can use. What I do is my problem, my decision and nobody else's. I understand that it's a process to overcome these things and nobody is perfect but you need to be the best you that you can. So I choose survivor. I hope first of all that you never have to be either. If you do though I hope you chose survivor. It's way more fun!