One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

What cancer taught my family

I have had more then my fair share of family members with cancer. I've even had a couple of pre-cancer scares myself. My grandmother and most of her siblings died of cancer. My mother had a rare aggressive type of cancer when I was 13. My baby brother has fought and beat cancer 3 times. Because of all of this we have had a few lessons we picked up along the way.

The first lesson I remember that cancer taught us is pray often and pray together. God may not answer in exactly the way you want but he will hear you. I remember being with my mom and brothers and sitting in a circle praying anytime there was bad news in the family. Be it a death or a diagnosis. It felt good to know that the people around me knew what I was feeling because they felt the same way. It felt good as a group to give our issues over to God. He has a greater plan and even though I miss the people I've lost I know that they are up there watching all my big moments and that is comforting.

Think positively. I know everyone says that and it's hard to do sometimes. I remember the 3rd time my baby brother was diagnosed just sitting on our back porch and crying for hours. So I know it's hard but a good friend of mine came over and he talked to me. He got me thinking positive and it was like a weight was lifted off of me. When my mom was fighting her cancer most of my memories in the hospital were of us laughing. We did anything we could to keep positive. I remember watching her Iv line get an air bubble and we were thinking isn't there not supposed to be air in your veins. My mom said well I guess we'll find out and we watched it go in and laughed when nothing happened. She spent a lot of her recovery time watching funny shows on T.V. She is now 16 years clear of cancer and we still laugh every time we are together. I know some people who have gotten the diagnosis and given up and they declined very quickly so I will always believe that positive thinking is a big part of healing your body.

Appreciate who and what you have while they are here. You never know when someone you love will get bad news. My mom and I have this thing we say to each other a lot. We say "I love and appreciate you everyday." That way we know that even on the days we don't say it we still feel it everyday.

It's not about you. It sucks to go see your loved one in the hospital and some people are very uncomfortable with it but you don't go for you. You go for them. They need as much support as possible. I have spent many hours in waiting rooms. I got so comfortable at our local hospital surgery ward that they would say hi Steph when I got there with my mom. They didn't even bat an eye as I went to my corner pushed 2 chairs together to make a bed and snuggled up with a C.D. player my blanket and a coloring book. Yes I was a teenager but coloring was my relaxation thing. It still is. They would always offer me a heated blanket and an apple juice because they knew me so well. It was not the most fun times but I went and found ways to be more comfortable so that when my mom woke up she would see me there to support her.

The final thing I think my family learned from cancer is to stop and appreciate the small stuff. My brothers and I are random and weird and spend most of our time laughing when we are together. We learned from all of this to live in the moment when we are together. We have birthday dinners and appreciate each other. We do what we can to make each others lives easier and above all else. We love each other and our time together. We rarely waste time fighting because who knows how much time we have.

So even if you haven't experienced having a loved one with a horrible disease. Please hug and love your family and friends. don't take time for granted. Most of all have fun as often as you can. Make memories. It doesn't matter if you have 5 or 500 more years to make memories you won't regret it. I have never regretted any of mine! Love and be loved. and when something bad happens and you lose someone feel it. Grieve. Let it sink in. and lean on those around you. Maybe someday none of us will have to worry about any of this but even if we didn't I'd still absorb every second I could with my loved ones cause you know I love them :)

Since You've Been Gone.

It has been about 3 months since we lost Grandpa. Everyday something different surprises me. I'll see a car stop outside and miss him yelling and trying to figure out who it is. I'll watch football and miss him sitting there laughing at how invested I get. I'll have garden questions and have to look the answers up online because he's not here. I feel guilty anytime that I think about enjoying living with just my husband for the first time in years. I can't leave his door open or I cry when I look in. The one thing that helps is knowing that he's up there with his love again. He used to walk out on the back porch every night that it was warm enough and talk to his wife in heaven. They had such a sweet love story and I wish I could have met her but I'm so thankful to have gotten to spend time with him. Yes housework is easier now and I don't have to work my works schedule around getting home to feed grandpa. But I would trade all of the good things for even one more day with him. If I had one more day with him I think we'd go fishing. I'd let him teach me how to fly fish. I'd cook him his favorite meals. I'd ask him to tell me all his stories again. I hate that he's not here. I wish he could see all the hard work Luke has been doing on the farm. I wish he were here to tell me I look purdy. I wish I could hear him tell Sasha our dog that he was gonna ear mark and brand her and bob of her tail. While she hugs him and wags her tail. I just miss him. I know that it will get less painful with time but I still wish he was here.. :(

Update

So it's been a couple of weeks since my husband and I lost his grandpa. The things that have been hitting us recently are little silly things. It feels weird to cook for just 2 people. It feels weird to shop for groceries and not buy his bricks of cheese and his coffee. Last night my husband and I just sat in the doorway to his room and finally let ourselves feel the overwhelming grief. We both have been feeling guilty for enjoying our one on one time. I know we shouldn't but we have been taking care of one person or another for most of our marriage. I think we forgot how much we enjoyed spending time alone together. Even typing that makes me feel guilty. Don't get me wrong I would give anything to have grandpa back here with us. I keep finding myself saying when grandpa gets back..... Because I think my subconscious has him just on a fishing trip in my mind. I wish he were just on a fishing trip. I miss him like crazy. I miss him when I come home from work and I have nobody asking me how my day was. I miss him when the dogs are running around like loons and there is no grandpa there threatening to ear mark and brand them and bob off their tails. I miss him when I sit at the dining room table and he's not at the head of the table. I miss his old war stories. It's so strange that just a few weeks ago was Christmas and I sat with him after Christmas and listened to all the stories he had remembered through talking to family that day. I just miss him and every time I smile since he passed I feel guilty for being happy. I hope that my husband and I can learn to enjoy living just us together without guilt. I would give anything for a big grandpa hug right about now.

One of those days

I try to be an always happy and positive person but there are still days when just all the negative things hit me at once. Today is one of those days. I have an anxiety disorder but bringing myself to actually take the medicine is even a difficult task. I feel like a failure every time I take those pills. I try to drink herbal peppermint tea to calm down. I try watching funny videos. I try sniffing eucalyptus oil. Sometimes it helps but days like today it doesn't. I won't go into whats bothering me today because it's so many things that I know in the grand scheme of things don't matter. I know I should focus on things I'm thankful for but days like this it's so hard to do. That's not to say I'm not thankful for all I have but for instance I could have all the money in the world and the best friends and a great job and my wonderful husband and great pets but I would still be thinking in the back of my mind that it is all great but would be better if I had my Gramps. It's not always about missing my Gramps but I do miss him so much. Some days it's just hard to not feel like a failure. So my game plan for today is this pointless blog, then I'm going to watch a kids movie drink tea and pray on it. Lets hope the big guy upstairs can spare a moment to fill me with his love and warmth. Any suggestions on overcoming anxiety are welcome! Hope everyone is having a blessed day!
-A less Tuff today Tuffy

Coping

I am in general a very empathetic person. Because of this I have been having a rough week because someone I didn't know took her life. I know many people who cared about her. She was only 15. I cannot imagine what her family is going through. I have had two people close to me take their lives. The first was my adopted brother. The second was a friend and co-worker. I remember feeling like life had stopped. I felt like why is everyone just going on with their daily lives when clearly the world is broken. Death in general is hard. I'm not going to say that it's harder when it's suicide.(I have never had a harder time with anything in my life then when my gramps died of natural causes.) But it is a very different thing when a loved one chooses to take their life. I feel so much for people who have to deal with this horrible thing. They will all go through horrible grief that no matter what anyone does we can't ease there hurting. I wish so badly that I could take their pain away and I find myself saying all the things that everyone said to me like, " I'm so sorry" or "If you need anything call me." I know that I can't change anything or make their pain go away but I feel like I have to let them know that I care. With this type of situation there is almost always someone who says something horribly insensitive. Even with the best intentions there is always someone who comes along with no filter and says something awful. I wish so badly that I could prevent anyone from having to feel this. I would do anything to have taken the pain away from my mom and other brothers and friends from when we lost my brother. I wish he wouldn't have chosen to leave us. I wish I could have stopped him. It's been over a decade since I lost my brother and I always wonder what he would be like now. Would he have kids? A dog? Would he still be into the same things he was? How would I or my brothers be different if we still had him? It has gotten easier as the years passed. I never thought it would but it has. Good memories outweigh the bad. It still stings when I think about the funeral or the day we found out but I just try to refocus on good memories happy times or even when we teased each other like brothers and sisters so often do. I never thought at the time those would turn into fond memories but there was love under all of that teasing. I miss all the people I've lost in my life no matter how they went and I will pray both for this family who lost such a precious girl and for those who ever contemplate taking their lives. I hope with all my heart that they can find hope and live! Hug your loved ones. Pray for those who are filled with despair.