Since You've Been Gone.

It has been about 3 months since we lost Grandpa. Everyday something different surprises me. I'll see a car stop outside and miss him yelling and trying to figure out who it is. I'll watch football and miss him sitting there laughing at how invested I get. I'll have garden questions and have to look the answers up online because he's not here. I feel guilty anytime that I think about enjoying living with just my husband for the first time in years. I can't leave his door open or I cry when I look in. The one thing that helps is knowing that he's up there with his love again. He used to walk out on the back porch every night that it was warm enough and talk to his wife in heaven. They had such a sweet love story and I wish I could have met her but I'm so thankful to have gotten to spend time with him. Yes housework is easier now and I don't have to work my works schedule around getting home to feed grandpa. But I would trade all of the good things for even one more day with him. If I had one more day with him I think we'd go fishing. I'd let him teach me how to fly fish. I'd cook him his favorite meals. I'd ask him to tell me all his stories again. I hate that he's not here. I wish he could see all the hard work Luke has been doing on the farm. I wish he were here to tell me I look purdy. I wish I could hear him tell Sasha our dog that he was gonna ear mark and brand her and bob of her tail. While she hugs him and wags her tail. I just miss him. I know that it will get less painful with time but I still wish he was here.. :(

Update

So it's been a couple of weeks since my husband and I lost his grandpa. The things that have been hitting us recently are little silly things. It feels weird to cook for just 2 people. It feels weird to shop for groceries and not buy his bricks of cheese and his coffee. Last night my husband and I just sat in the doorway to his room and finally let ourselves feel the overwhelming grief. We both have been feeling guilty for enjoying our one on one time. I know we shouldn't but we have been taking care of one person or another for most of our marriage. I think we forgot how much we enjoyed spending time alone together. Even typing that makes me feel guilty. Don't get me wrong I would give anything to have grandpa back here with us. I keep finding myself saying when grandpa gets back..... Because I think my subconscious has him just on a fishing trip in my mind. I wish he were just on a fishing trip. I miss him like crazy. I miss him when I come home from work and I have nobody asking me how my day was. I miss him when the dogs are running around like loons and there is no grandpa there threatening to ear mark and brand them and bob off their tails. I miss him when I sit at the dining room table and he's not at the head of the table. I miss his old war stories. It's so strange that just a few weeks ago was Christmas and I sat with him after Christmas and listened to all the stories he had remembered through talking to family that day. I just miss him and every time I smile since he passed I feel guilty for being happy. I hope that my husband and I can learn to enjoy living just us together without guilt. I would give anything for a big grandpa hug right about now.

Processing

Well the family left today. We had a nice visit with them but now my husband and I are left to process. How do we begin to live in this house without grandpa? What will we do without him here to take care of? I feel like time has slowed down. I can't bring myself to look at or sit in his chair. I think of all the questions I wanted to ask him about the farm. I try to remember everything he taught me. but mostly I'm trying not to cry so I don't make my husband sad. I have had a bad migraine ever since he passed. I don't know when I will fully break down but I feel like when I do I will feel better. I know I need to cry about it but I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep going and cleaning or doing laundry to keep my mind off of it. I promise to have a more positive blog post soon. Sorry 

Grandparents

Today I was out in my garden, harvesting peas. When I came in and started to get the peas out of the pods I was almost immediately brought to tears. It has been almost twenty years since my hands smelled like a garden and fresh peas. It reminded me of all of the days I loved growing up. Spending the whole day in the garden with my grandpa then coming in and helping my grandma turn all that we grew into amazing nutritious meals. I have always been a city girl but I have always had my grandparents house just about a mile away and it was an amazing place. We had a pool, a huge garden, a hexagonal  picnic table built around a huge tree. We had kid sized gardening tools so we could help our grandpa. We had a huge baseball field and a smaller field closer to the house where we could play and grandma could still keep an eye on us. I have very few bad memories of this house and my grandparents in general. They weren't perfect but to me they were just what I needed. My gramps was superman in my eyes. I was his little princess and I was always the one who wanted to help him with his chores. My grandma N. Was the one who kept me calm. She showed me how to crochet and cook and bake. She taught the tomboy how to be a little girl. My husband appreciates all that she taught me on a regular basis. I wonder if everyone is as lucky as I am. Does everyone love their grandparents as much as I did? I hope so I miss them everyday especially when I smell rose perfume or fresh shucked corn  or like today peas from the garden. But I hope they are looking down on me and happy that I smile when these moments bring them back to me. I used to cry everytime. But I've learned to be thankful for the time I did have with them. Grandpa A. And Grandma N. I love you. And I miss you daily.