Don't assume I'm normal

So, the title of this blog isn't meant to make it seem like the things I discuss make me a weirdo. I do that on my own. Ok! So, the other day I was working and I had a lady who rang several things up without getting me to do the 50% off stickers. She was then upset about the price, of course bcause it was about $10 more then what she had expected. That's fine. I went over and said "Oh, it makes me do the 50% off items for you anyway I'll just fix it real quick." She then started freaking out and talking about how much she hated Self Check Out. A complaint I hear a lot but it makes no sense to me when there are checkers with no line. It you hate it don't do it. But anyway, I said "oh yeah it can get annoying when the bagging alarm keeps going off but I don't mind fixing it." Then she said "No you don't understand I have severe anxiety," Okay well that explains the irritability so I said "Oh I feel ya me too." She then got very upset and said "No you don't understand it gets so bad I have to go to the E.R. sometimes." Okay so just assuming that because I am a happy person who is currently functioning well and smiling at work, that I must not know what "real anxiety is" is ridiculous. I said oh yeah I get seizures form my anxiety and have been hospitalized for a week to monitor the seizures before." Then she back pedaled and said oh that does sound serous. I finished with her stuff and she was on her way.

So, that shouldn't bother me, but, it does. because I just don't like people making assumptions. I try not to make assumptions when I see people. I adore some of our homeless customers and they like coming to me because I don't assume that just because they are homeless and doing without somethings that they can't have a nice conversation and make each others day nicer. I try not to assume that someone is a drug addict when they are acting strangely. So it's not fair that this lady just assumed that because I'm young and happy that I don't have anything going on behind the wall of happiness, I have very severe anxiety but I have learned how to deal with it. And , yes I can hold down a job even though I have seizures along with my panic attacks. However, all of my co-workers are aware of my health problems and I am blessed to have amazing co-workers who understand when I have an unexpected seizure. or if I need a break right away to take my anxiety medicine to try to prevent a seizure. I don't know why this lady bothered me so much. Maybe because after all I have been through in my life (raised in an abusive household, molested at age 4, having to care for my whole family at age 13 because of my mother having very serious cancer.) All of those things I survived and I grew up to be a pretty cheerful person. but assuming that just because I am cheerful, I must have an easy life hurt me a bit. I know that she didn't know everything I've been through but her assumptions hurt. It felt like she was saying that I couldn't really have anxiety.

Anxiety is something I deal with everyday of my life. Some days it's easy to deal with, Other days it's just not possible to function normally. But the main thing is I try. I find things that calm me. I read, drink herbal tea, watch a marvel movie (I know it's weird but it calms me down) I find ways to have anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and not just stay alive but live and enjoy my time on this earth. Thank you to all the people who help me with this on a regular basis. and if you ever visit my home for goodness sake don't mess up the blinds. (I'll mess you up) :p

To my dear sweet Godniece

Hello beautiful, there are some things I believe you should know. Number one I love you so much from the day you were born I have loved you. Even though I have never met your father and I've always liked your mother, I love both of your parents because they made you!

I think one of my first memories of you was babysitting you and your step sister M. And neither one of you ever wanted me to set you down. I remember my mom thinking you were hysterically crying because you wanted a teddybear. Then you yelling out no I want my tuttybear. Me, I have loved you from the minute we met and I think that love was mutual.

So, please forgive me if I go all lame adult on you. Because I can't believe this precious baby that I took to see fireworks, is now a teenager who has teenage issues. I will always be thrilled when you message me. And at least for the next year or so I will be weirded out when giving you boy advice. I'm allowed that I changed your diapers. Lol.

I am so proud that I had even a tiny part in watching you my beautiful girl growing up. I will always be here for you. I will always love you and miss you when you're miles away. So I wrote this to let you know how loved you are and what a blessing you have been to my life! Your Aunt Tutty will love you forever dear one!!!

Welcome Fall!!!!

Today is officially the first day of fall! You would think that being a summer person I would not be happy. However, I feel like  I have to have all the other seasons to enjoy summer as much as I do and lets face it being allergic to the sun life will be a bit easier in Autumn!

I will miss the summer but I am so looking forward to fall because I love the smell after the first rain! I love the smell of Halloween! I love Halloween! I love Thanksgiving. I love watching all the leaves turn. I love that I can bundle up in all my warm layers and not be looked at like I'm crazy. (cause I still bundle up in summer a lot) I love that I get to watch my Ducks splash around in puddles and my crazy Lab chase after them. I love that the cats stay indoors and snuggle more. I love that I can drink herbal tea without getting overly warm! I just love the fall!

One of the best things about living in Oregon is we have everything. We have very defined seasons. It gets pretty hot in the summer and fairly cold in the winter (although our winters are mild enough where I live that people are still horrible at driving in it because they rarely have to) I love that in Oregon we have mountains, beaches, forests, and deserts. It's just sort of awesome here! I'm sure by about November I will be missing sunshine again but for right now I'm enjoying the rain and overcast days! I like having an excuse to stay inside and read cause I'm lame like that! Happy first day of fall!

My love story

It's strange to me that so many people who know me and know my husband don't know how we met or even how he proposed. So since we just passed our five year wedding anniversary and we are coming up on our 8 year dating anniversary I thought what better time then the present.

To first figure us out you have to know a little of how we were before we met. Hammy (my husband) dated quite a bit and had even been engaged once before he met me but he had been single for a while before we met. I on the other hand had always sworn I would never marry and pretty much just figured I'd spend my life surrounded by my family and my many guy friends. I had plenty of opportunity to date and was pretty constantly teased about being "too picky" or "heartless" or "emotionally detached" and to tell you the truth I probably was at least a little bit. I didn't care what guy liked me unless they were Nick Carter I wasn't interested. Most of that however is because I have always been fiercely independent and I always wanted to fall in love with who I was before I felt I could truly love and be loved. 

So around 3 months before I met Hammy I had decided to dip my toe in the water of the dating pool. Well that resulted in a very misguided moment or two with one of my guy friends and then me meeting a guy who I was very attracted to physically but after about a month of dating I found out that he had a girlfriend. I wasn't heartbroken because I was never very attached to him. He broke up with his girlfriend and we dated off and on until I met my Hammy.  See the guy before my husband didn't treat me very well and to be honest I didn't treat him great either. we just weren't meant to be. But since he had initially met online and I had given him a chance, then on November 20th 2006. when my now husband messaged me online I was open to meeting him because he seemed sweet and really he couldn't be much worse then the last guy. 

So he picked me up at my house and took me to a movie. It was a James Bond movie and I'm not really a 007 kind of girl but it was fun none the less. Then after the movie we grabbed a meal at Wendys and chatted. To be honest he was super shy really quiet and hard to get to open up. Then when he finally did start talking it was all about how many times he had been in car accidents. Not the best topic for the girl who he still has to drive home and who had been in 5 accidents in 3 years all of which I was a passenger. Oy it appeared to not be going well. But he took me home as I was leaving for my job in Salem that night he asked for a hug and  my number and that was that. I thought well not the best but not the worst date ever.

First adorable thing he did was to call me from the bottom of our hill just to make sure I hadn't given him a fake number. Then within the next couple of days he went to the Beavers/Ducks Civil War game. Which is huge in my world as I am and always will be a lifelong beavers fan. I was so jealous that he had tickets. But I stayed home and watched the game. That was an amazing game. Super close and if I remember correctly it was ended by a blocked field goal attempt right at the end. Now at the time I lived in Corvallis which is Beaver Nation. So the fans rushed the field and I said wow Luke is so lucky to be there right now. then 2 seconds later the phone rang and it was him just calling me while rushing the field to make sure i had seen it. That was the second point in his favor. It was so sweet that at such an amazing time he thought of me and wished I could have been there to see it!

Then for a while he went down to his mothers house which was about a 2-3 hour drive away. We talked on the phone or online everyday. and he was so sweet. So when he came back we went on our second date. This was the clincher for both of us. It was a great date. We saw another movie and then we took a nice long walk around town talking. We eventually came upon some carolers and it was snowing so we stopped to dance. I couldn't quit looking at his amazing blue eyes. He was already so sweet and treated me like a queen. We both think that's the day we started to fall for each other.

So after a little while of dating and hearing all of the stories about how scared he was to introduce me to his mom because she hadn't been a fan of any of his exes. It was time to meet his mom. I was so nervous which I think is normal but it didn't help that he kept saying oh I hope she likes you and it would do a lot for my mom and my relationship if you to got along. (Thanks for the pressure Luke) But we had dinner with her and she was and is still to this day one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She's one of those super humans who is amazing at everything and not at all boastful about it. Then that night she called him to tell him how much she liked me! I kept thinking everything is so perfect how can it be going so well for me. I mean this was my first try at a real relationship. Nobody knocks it out of the park on the first try.

But he just kept getting more wonderful. We started a tradition where once a week we got Dutch Bros coffee and went to bible study together. Which was important for me because I wanted God to be a part of our relationship. We spent new years together. Everything was great. I eventually met the rest of his family. and  we were an item. Then one day while holding hands he kept playing with my ring finger on my left hand and I asked what he was doing. He said just thinking about the day that I get to put a ring there. Now mind you I have a horrible fear of commitment and we had been dating 3 months. I said yeah but I'm a tad freaked out by commitment. He said Okay I'll just ask you everyday until the answer becomes a yes! and that he did. For 9 months until our one year dating anniversary he said at least once a day< "hey will you marry me?" and the answer slowly morphed from maybe someday, to yeah probably eventually, to yes someday I will. So on our one year anniversary he said you keep saying yes eventually well doesn't that mean yes? I said yeah I guess it does. So exactly one year after we met we got engaged.

His main hurdles were. my Mom, My brothers and My Gramps. He passed those tests with flying colors. He's a bit of a geek so my older brother likes him. He likes to put in a hard days work so my little brother likes him and my mom just loved the way he treats me and his beautiful eyes and lips. When I finally took him to Salem to meet my Gramps I was super nervous about if Gramps would like him. Then not long after we left I got a call from my aunt saying that Gramps wouldn't quit talking about how much he liked him and that he looked at me like I was the most valuable thing on earth. So he passed the Gramps test too! My aunts and cousins were quick to adjust. They're main comment has been that he just feels like one of the family.

I made him wait a long time to get married. Not because of doubts but more because I had never thought of my own wedding before and I needed a lot of help planning from those who had (My Mom, Aunts, and Best Friend!) But we made it!! We had a beautiful beach wedding over 5 years ago. It's so strange because some days it feels like we haven't been

married that long and others it feels like it's been forever. IN a good way of course like I just can't imagine my life without him. So that it the quicky version of my love story. I hope I didn't leave anything out! BYE!

Living life to the fullest not the fattest.

This is a hard subject for me because I never thought I would be at the weight I am today. I was a little chubby in my adolescent years but I became addicted to exercise and toned up as a teen. I even did some modeling. At this point in my life I worked a paper route every morning and walked at least 2 miles delivering to 2 apartment complexes and one neighborhood. I would go home and do 1,000 sit ups a night. It helped me sleep. I ate healthy and I drank mostly water. I never thought I would get this bad.

It's easy to see someone and judge them. Easy, but not right. The turning point from super healthy teen to gaining weight for me started with a car accident, and then another, and another, and another, and one more. All in 3 years I was in 5 accidents. I wasn't driving in any of them. It was out of my control. I sprained my whole back on one side. Kind of a sideways whiplash from being T-boned. I had a horrible seat-belt injury and had to be monitored for internal bleeding with a different accident. I would just start to get one body part rested enough and I would injure another. I had so much determination to stay healthy but 5 accidents slowly crumbled my wall of strength.

I don't like excuses and I'm not trying to tell excuses. I'm sharing my story. Yes I had a choice I could have risked further injury and continued my workout plan. Yes I could have eaten the healthy choice every time and not the convenient choice. We can always make different choices. However I'm only human. I had days when I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was trying not to use pain medications because addictive behaviors run in my family. I thought I was making the good choices and in some ways I was in others I wasn't.

The first time my doctor told me my weight was affecting my health was a rough day. I have always been the little hyper one in my family. I have always had a lot of allergies and chronic, Ear infections, Strep, and Asthma. But I am Tuff I kept on truckin. I have always been the one who handles stuff in my family and I was loosing control of myself of all things.

There truly is a cycle. I gained weight which caused health issues which would then cause more weight gain. I am ready to tackle this. I'm ready to feel like I am my own age and not an 80 year old fragile woman. My poor family has to try not to treat me as though I'm too fragile or it makes me sad but in truth I am. I have more health issues then I can name.

I am ready to change. I have reached the point where my doctor and I agree that I have tried almost everything. We have kept a food diary and all that told us is that my body can stay fat off of only 750 calories. How is that possible? Well when I get home from work my body will just run out of energy and this isn't just the typical tired after work. This is my body forces sleep and attacks me with pain to let me know how mad it is that I worked hard.

One of my Co-workers frequently tells me I'm either 120% there when I'm at work and trying to do my job plus anything extra I can or else I'm 60% just holding on and trying not to get sent home sick. This as you can imagine is a hard way to live. I want to be 120% everyday. I would love to always be running around keeping busy. And eventually I will.

I have a long journey in front of me. Next Wed I will go in for my intake appt. for Bariatric surgery. We are leaning towards the Gastric sleeve surgery. We have done hours of research online. We have attended an informational class. I have told my boss that I will have lots of dr. appts. and this is why. I have a wonderful support system. Granted, they are worried because I am fragile. but I want my health back. I want to get healthy so I can make happy healthy babies and work a full work schedule and just in general LIVE! I want to get back to thinking about what fun things I can do and not when my next lab or appt is. I kinda have to dive into that world for a while but when I come back out I'll be a whole new me. and won't that be WONDERFUL!

2013 a year in review

Well as with most years 2013 has had some huge ups and some pretty big downs. My two still living grandparents died 3 days apart from each other in March. That was the roughest part of my year. My husband lost his job and has had trouble finding a new one. But I turned 30 and got a trip to the zoo filled with great memories. I found out I'm going to be an aunt. I got trained in the pharmacy at work. The beginning of the year my health was very bad and it felt like it just kept getting worse but recently my health has been improving. I'm having less seizures, less migraines, and less kidney stones. My family has had decent health. No major family feuds.  I think in general it's been a great year. I have a very dear friend expecting a baby any day now and I can't wait for her arrival. If she shows up in the next few days then I will have one more thing to feel blessed for in 2013. If not then she'll have to be my first thankful thing of 2014! I try every year to let myself mourn the poor things that happened that year but I also try to think of the things that I feel so blessed for. I got my 2 precious kitties this year. I gained more friends then I lost. I feel like my life is moving towards a very positive place. I don't make new years resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment but I'm hoping to keep the happiness going in 2014. I hope to drink more water, focus on mine and my husbands health and eating habits better. I want to plant an even bigger garden this year. If those things don't happen it's not the end of the world but I'd like to try to improve. I think as long as we're always striving to get better then the world will keep improving. So weather you make resolutions or not I wish you all a very happy 2014!

What would I do if I won the lottery?

I always see on these t.v. shows all of the stupid stuff people spend lottery money on. Why are these people winning? Come on God here's a list of things I would do if money were no object.
- Pay off my mother and mother-in-laws mortgages.
-Remodel our home
- Make sure both brothers had reliable vehicles.
-Spend more time fishing with grandpa.
- Take all of my coworkers to a movie night.
- Make improvements on the farm. (Maybe build a hobbit hole)
- Raise more rescue pets.
-Make sure that all of my Nieces and Nephews felt spoiled and loved!
- Go on a real honeymoon.
- Invest in my families happiness. Because how could you regret that?
-Take my family to Disney World.
- Go see friends and family in different states.
- But the most important thing I would do is pay it forward. Not just pay for someones groceries or Christmas presents but like do something to allow them time to enjoy their families.
I think the world would truly be a better place if I won the lottery. Just somethin to think about God. ;)

Always Against The Odds

I have always been an odd duck. I get it from my mother. When we get strep throat we tend to get the kind that like 2% of people get. If there's an extremely low chance of anyone being allergic to something then you can pretty well bet that either my mom or me or both of us will be allergic. Well 17 years ago my mom had a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. At the time we were told that nobody who had gotten it had lived past 5 years. No female had yet gotten it. Nobody younger then 55 had ever had it. She was 34. She had against all odds contracted this horrible disease. I was 13 and I took over raising my brothers who were 10 and 14. I also took care of my mother once she was released. When I see 13 year olds now I don't know how I did that at that age. I against all odds kept our family together. I kept my grades up and I kept my sanity and even perkiness through it all. My mother as of today against all odds is 17 years cancer free! There are so many people that I include in my prayers at night because of this. She had an amazing team of doctors. She had wonderful nurses who even gave her massages while she was recovering. She has had 17 years of more doctors and nurses keeping her healthy. I'm thankful for the people who supported me while I supported her. But most of all I am thankful that I have my odd duck mommy! We're odd ducks but sometimes being the odd one out it a very good thing!

Why Compare?

There are so many people in this world who have to compare what they have to others. I'm sure we all do it sometimes but I've never understood when people think Oh I like my hair but that girl's is better. It's hair. It serves it's purpose keeps my head warm. I'd miss it if it were gone but then I'd buy a hat. My hair is ok not the best not the worse but if my friend has thicker healthier hair that doesn't change what I have. So what's the point in worrying. This is especially pester-some when it is used to attempt to make someone feel worse about themselves. Why would anyone actually want to do this. We are all different and that is what is great about our world. I think there are a lot of beautiful women out there but just because they exist and are beautiful doesn't change how I feel about myself at all. I will honestly say I'm mostly a sweet person. I can be a bit of a princess. I try my best to always be kind and try new things but I also know I hate getting dirty and prefer to have nice things. (who doesn't) I don't need to compare my self to other people to know these things about myself. I wish we could all stop comparing what we have and what we are to what others have and who they are. It's petty and does nothing positive for the world. Hugs and blessings

-Tuff

Diagnosed

This is quite possibly one of the worst words in the English language. Most of the even worse words tend to hang out with it too. I remember when my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. When my grandpa was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When my mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer and all three times my baby brother was diagnosed with cancer. I remember when I was diagnosed with A.d.h.d. and even though nothing about me had changed in those few minutes. I felt different. I remember being diagnosed with hyper sensitivity disorder. Again nothing had changed but I was more confused by my body and why it overreacts to everything. Why does this word have such a negative impact. In reality it changes nothing other then the fact that you know where you stand now. If my mother and brother weren't diagnosed when they were I wouldn't have them here with me today. So I try to focus on the positive with everything in life. But that's not always so easy. Recently I was diagnosed epileptic and instead of thinking, great they have this figured out and we can make progress towards making me feel better, I instantly thought oh no I can't drive. There goes my independence. I thought of what a burden I will always be on my loved ones. But really I should have been thinking that it's not the worst thing it could have been. I should have been thankful for my wonderful neurologist for all his hard work to find answers. Not resentful that he couldn't snap his fingers and fix me. I have alot more to learn about my newest diagnosis but I will learn and I will pray that God helps me focus on the positives in life. Because really a word is only as powerful as we let it become. So starting today I'm diagnosing myself with positivity syndrome! It's gonna be great!