Happy Birthday Gramps

Today would have been my Gramp's birthday. We would have thrown him a birthday party. Luke and I would have invited him to the family picnic on Saturday. I think that is the hardest part about when someone you love passes and you have to go through all of their special days without them. I mean who wouldn't want to celebrate him. He was the most amazing man. He was the best Grandpa. He was my main father figure growing up and he rocked it. I still like when I shock my husband because I know how to do some random thing that my Gramps taught me when I was a tomboy. I was thinking this morning that I wish I had something that I did every year on his birthday to remember him. Then I thought about what I did today and I thought he'd be pretty okay with that. See, he loved taking care of the house and getting ready for family gatherings. He loved gardening together. and if he would have lived to meet her he would have loved KayCee and loved that I'm getting ready to have her on the farm. He would have loved the farm and seeing his little Punkin trying to remember how to be okay with having to get dirty. I try to think about what advice he would have when I'm having a rough day. Usually that reminds me to put things into perspective and do what I've got to do. The thing grandpa was best at was being a Grandpa and teaching us all the best lessons. He taught us that the best way to get what we want is to work hard for it. He taught us that if you work hard all day it can be very rewarding to fall asleep in the chair watching T.V. but the most important lesson that he taught us was caring about others and helping anyone if you have the power to do so. I always worry that as the years go by I might forget what his voice sounded like or forget how wonderful his bear hugs were. But I don't think I could ever forget anything about my hero. I miss you Gramps. Happy Birthday!

What to do?

Well this past Tuesday my maternal grandmother passed away. She had been sick for a long time. The doctors had told us her time was coming to an end. We knew pretty much what day it would happen. What I didn't expect was the instant hole. When my paternal grandfather died I expected this hole. He was my superman and only positive male role model growing up. But I didn't expect this with my grandma. She was, well there is really no other way to put it, cantankerous. She was out and out mean sometimes and I many time wondered why she was so angry. She also played favorites. For some reason I was her favorite grandchild. She even told me I was her pride and joy and the apple of her eye. She never said anything like this to my mother. They had a rough relationship. Grandma had a rough relationship with most people. She could be very sweet in public which made it all the more painful to her family when she mistreated us. But later in life as she started to feel her age more she tried harder. Sometimes unsuccessfully but she tried. I spent many days playing mediator between her and other family members. Or fixing her computer because no one else would. On her good days I felt very loved she always told me I was beautiful and we talked about books and religion. We never talked politics and when we did I patiently listened while disagreeing in my head. She was an amazing but far from perfect person. She said things that we're hurtful to people more then she should. She made mom cry ( a #1 no no in my book) several times. But towards the end as her heart began to give out she would ask for my mom. All this time they fought but there was amazing UNCONDITIONAL love in both there hearts. Once grandma got to where she needed daily care. We moved her into an amazing adult foster care place. Mom visited everyday. Mom would plan everything around getting to see grandma. She would go over to sit with her during dinner and stay to put her to bed. Grandma eventually forgot my name and began calling me "So beautiful" as a name. Which I tried to get everyone to call me but they didn't go for it. When she forgot my moms name she just said. My baby. I loved watching their love grow. I loved soaking in the moments. Grandma knew she was dying but took it with a grain of salt like the true Irish lady she was. She'd say things like, "When I'm gone how long do you think God will let me follow you around your farm?" I said "Grandma I love you but that's creepy you just walk into that light when it's time and don't look back." She smiled her mischievous smile and we all laughed about her being my galloping ghost. When she passed my mom was there holding her hand. It was peaceful. I will miss her. There is a hole. 5 days later we found out that my maternal  grandfather died of pneumonia. My mother lost both parents in 5 days. There is now a bigger hole. I don't know that anyone will ever read my blog but if you do and you pray please pray for my grandparents and my mother who has a hole in her heart that I just can't mend. Love and hugs
-Steph