Victim or survivor.

There are some things in life that you never imagine. I never thought my husband would loose his job and still be unemployed a year later. I never thought I'd live on a farm. I never thought I'd end up loving that farm as much as I do. I never expected to feel so at home in this place. I never thought I'd get married without my gramps there to see it. So many things in life can take you by surprise. Some can be good. Some can be great. Some can be bad. Then there are the ones that are horrible.

When you hit those horrible bumps I like to always think to myself, "Are you a victim or a survivor" There are plenty of more personal things from my childhood that were bad. My family worried I may head down a bad path from everything I've been through. I never did that. If you sit and stew in what someone did to you or the cards life dealt you then you are giving those things the power to ruin you. You may not see it like that but it's true. You are in charge of how you react to things. you can be the victim and do whatever you want and society will usually say well she was abused and molested. But that's no excuse for what you do. So I chose at an early age to make sure that my life was mine. I will be a survivor.

I have survived this far. I don't do drugs and only drink once in a blue moon. That's not normal for someone who survived what I did. But it's wonderful. I didn't do bad things just because I have an excuse that I can use. What I do is my problem, my decision and nobody else's. I understand that it's a process to overcome these things and nobody is perfect but you need to be the best you that you can. So I choose survivor. I hope first of all that you never have to be either. If you do though I hope you chose survivor. It's way more fun!

What cancer taught my family

I have had more then my fair share of family members with cancer. I've even had a couple of pre-cancer scares myself. My grandmother and most of her siblings died of cancer. My mother had a rare aggressive type of cancer when I was 13. My baby brother has fought and beat cancer 3 times. Because of all of this we have had a few lessons we picked up along the way.

The first lesson I remember that cancer taught us is pray often and pray together. God may not answer in exactly the way you want but he will hear you. I remember being with my mom and brothers and sitting in a circle praying anytime there was bad news in the family. Be it a death or a diagnosis. It felt good to know that the people around me knew what I was feeling because they felt the same way. It felt good as a group to give our issues over to God. He has a greater plan and even though I miss the people I've lost I know that they are up there watching all my big moments and that is comforting.

Think positively. I know everyone says that and it's hard to do sometimes. I remember the 3rd time my baby brother was diagnosed just sitting on our back porch and crying for hours. So I know it's hard but a good friend of mine came over and he talked to me. He got me thinking positive and it was like a weight was lifted off of me. When my mom was fighting her cancer most of my memories in the hospital were of us laughing. We did anything we could to keep positive. I remember watching her Iv line get an air bubble and we were thinking isn't there not supposed to be air in your veins. My mom said well I guess we'll find out and we watched it go in and laughed when nothing happened. She spent a lot of her recovery time watching funny shows on T.V. She is now 16 years clear of cancer and we still laugh every time we are together. I know some people who have gotten the diagnosis and given up and they declined very quickly so I will always believe that positive thinking is a big part of healing your body.

Appreciate who and what you have while they are here. You never know when someone you love will get bad news. My mom and I have this thing we say to each other a lot. We say "I love and appreciate you everyday." That way we know that even on the days we don't say it we still feel it everyday.

It's not about you. It sucks to go see your loved one in the hospital and some people are very uncomfortable with it but you don't go for you. You go for them. They need as much support as possible. I have spent many hours in waiting rooms. I got so comfortable at our local hospital surgery ward that they would say hi Steph when I got there with my mom. They didn't even bat an eye as I went to my corner pushed 2 chairs together to make a bed and snuggled up with a C.D. player my blanket and a coloring book. Yes I was a teenager but coloring was my relaxation thing. It still is. They would always offer me a heated blanket and an apple juice because they knew me so well. It was not the most fun times but I went and found ways to be more comfortable so that when my mom woke up she would see me there to support her.

The final thing I think my family learned from cancer is to stop and appreciate the small stuff. My brothers and I are random and weird and spend most of our time laughing when we are together. We learned from all of this to live in the moment when we are together. We have birthday dinners and appreciate each other. We do what we can to make each others lives easier and above all else. We love each other and our time together. We rarely waste time fighting because who knows how much time we have.

So even if you haven't experienced having a loved one with a horrible disease. Please hug and love your family and friends. don't take time for granted. Most of all have fun as often as you can. Make memories. It doesn't matter if you have 5 or 500 more years to make memories you won't regret it. I have never regretted any of mine! Love and be loved. and when something bad happens and you lose someone feel it. Grieve. Let it sink in. and lean on those around you. Maybe someday none of us will have to worry about any of this but even if we didn't I'd still absorb every second I could with my loved ones cause you know I love them :)

Living life to the fullest not the fattest.

This is a hard subject for me because I never thought I would be at the weight I am today. I was a little chubby in my adolescent years but I became addicted to exercise and toned up as a teen. I even did some modeling. At this point in my life I worked a paper route every morning and walked at least 2 miles delivering to 2 apartment complexes and one neighborhood. I would go home and do 1,000 sit ups a night. It helped me sleep. I ate healthy and I drank mostly water. I never thought I would get this bad.

It's easy to see someone and judge them. Easy, but not right. The turning point from super healthy teen to gaining weight for me started with a car accident, and then another, and another, and another, and one more. All in 3 years I was in 5 accidents. I wasn't driving in any of them. It was out of my control. I sprained my whole back on one side. Kind of a sideways whiplash from being T-boned. I had a horrible seat-belt injury and had to be monitored for internal bleeding with a different accident. I would just start to get one body part rested enough and I would injure another. I had so much determination to stay healthy but 5 accidents slowly crumbled my wall of strength.

I don't like excuses and I'm not trying to tell excuses. I'm sharing my story. Yes I had a choice I could have risked further injury and continued my workout plan. Yes I could have eaten the healthy choice every time and not the convenient choice. We can always make different choices. However I'm only human. I had days when I was in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I was trying not to use pain medications because addictive behaviors run in my family. I thought I was making the good choices and in some ways I was in others I wasn't.

The first time my doctor told me my weight was affecting my health was a rough day. I have always been the little hyper one in my family. I have always had a lot of allergies and chronic, Ear infections, Strep, and Asthma. But I am Tuff I kept on truckin. I have always been the one who handles stuff in my family and I was loosing control of myself of all things.

There truly is a cycle. I gained weight which caused health issues which would then cause more weight gain. I am ready to tackle this. I'm ready to feel like I am my own age and not an 80 year old fragile woman. My poor family has to try not to treat me as though I'm too fragile or it makes me sad but in truth I am. I have more health issues then I can name.

I am ready to change. I have reached the point where my doctor and I agree that I have tried almost everything. We have kept a food diary and all that told us is that my body can stay fat off of only 750 calories. How is that possible? Well when I get home from work my body will just run out of energy and this isn't just the typical tired after work. This is my body forces sleep and attacks me with pain to let me know how mad it is that I worked hard.

One of my Co-workers frequently tells me I'm either 120% there when I'm at work and trying to do my job plus anything extra I can or else I'm 60% just holding on and trying not to get sent home sick. This as you can imagine is a hard way to live. I want to be 120% everyday. I would love to always be running around keeping busy. And eventually I will.

I have a long journey in front of me. Next Wed I will go in for my intake appt. for Bariatric surgery. We are leaning towards the Gastric sleeve surgery. We have done hours of research online. We have attended an informational class. I have told my boss that I will have lots of dr. appts. and this is why. I have a wonderful support system. Granted, they are worried because I am fragile. but I want my health back. I want to get healthy so I can make happy healthy babies and work a full work schedule and just in general LIVE! I want to get back to thinking about what fun things I can do and not when my next lab or appt is. I kinda have to dive into that world for a while but when I come back out I'll be a whole new me. and won't that be WONDERFUL!

Why I like my cats more then I like most people.

Everyone knows I love cats. I can never decide if I'm a cat person or a dog person. But after years of working in retail I do know one thing. Between animals and people I'm most definitely an animal person. Here are a few reasons why I'd rather hang out with my cats then most people.

-I never have to guess if they are happy. You know how sometimes when you're talking to someone you are thinking "Are they pretending to be happy for appearances?" Well with cats you never have to wonder. If they are happy they purr and in the case of my cat they purr loudly and pet the air.

-When I say hello to someone their response is never an adorable little chirp. Every time I say hello to my cats they chirp. usually while happily running towards me. The only human who gives me a similar reaction is my 7 year old part time kiddo. (my best friends daughter) Everyone else the best I can expect is hi back and maybe a, "how are you?"

-If I woke you up to pat your head just because I was bored I'm pretty sure your reaction wouldn't be a positive one. My cats adore sleep even more then I do but still if I wake them up by petting them I usually get a chirp and a snuggle and then lots of purring. I haven't had that good of a reaction to being woken up since I was 2.

-My cats make a daily effort to please me no matter what mood I'm in. They bring me gifts. I don't want the gifts they pick out but it's thoughtful none the less. They apparently think I'm a bad hunter and may starve so they bring me rodents and birds. Sometimes still alive so I can hone my hunting skills. Which will never happen but still they don't want me to starve and they go through a lot of trouble to bring me those gifts. No human would go to all that trouble everyday just on the off chance it made me happy.

-They do the most hilarious things without knowing they're funny. One of the cats I'm currently fostering, Roshet, was playing the floor is lava last night jumping from chair to table to chair again. She was completely thrown off when she got to our computer chair she had her two back feet planted on a chair and her two front feet on the computer chair walking backwards because it was spinning and she couldn't figure out how to get out of her predicament. She eventually gave up and laded on the carpet but jumped twice quickly because the floor was lava. Apparently the kitchen floor was just linoleum. I know that this example cats pretty much win from having a lower I.Q. but it was cute darn it.

-If I'm cold the best a human can do is offer to turn the heat up or give me a jacket or blanket. My cats make it a group effort to keep me warm they lay on the coldest parts of me like my feet and the small of my back. Just to keep me warm. I know it makes them colder but they don't mind they give me all their heat.

-My cats don't have mood swings. Granted one of my cats is a little mentally special but they will always love me and always be nice to me. Even when I'm doing something they don't like such as removing a tick or trimming their nails. They know that I'm trying to help them and they never take out their frustrations on me. At work I get yelled at for things I had nothing to do with on a regular basis by angry customers. I wish I had a NO bottle to squirt them with.

-If I don't want my cats on me or around me I can put them outside and they are always thrilled. They don't think I'm sick of them they just think I wanted them to go play in the outdoor wonderland. If I get irritated with a human they would look at me pretty funny if I started pushing them outside and then just told them to have fun and shut the door. That would be viewed as "weird" or "rude"

-When I am caring for humans either old or babies they tend to require a lot of care. My cats are self cleaning. One is even a tad obsessive about cleaning. (She grooms my husbands beard and my hands which all have to be immediately washed cause eww but still we appreciate the effort.) If they run out of food the cats just need a scoop and that's it no preparation needed. And having indoor/outdoor cats there is significantly less litterbox issues then indoor cats. Since I'm so high maintenance it is nice to have a lower maintenance animal in the house.

-My cats don't judge me if I want to sleep in because that is all they ever want to do. If anything they judge me for getting up and going to work. That is a habit they wish I would break. Especially living on a farm humans tend to judge me if I want to sleep past nine which I usually do.

I love people I am most definitely  a social people person however there are days when I just wanna hang out with my crazy cats. I feel like queen of the house when I'm with my Gatos. They make me smile everyday that is why I currently own 2 and foster 3 even though I'm allergic to cats. I will most likely always have a cat or two around my house. Why wouldn't you want a fuzzy ball of entertaining happiness.

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How to be the worst customer ever.

I personally prefer not to make others miserable but you know whatever floats your boat. Also a few of these things will get you kicked out of the store.

- Blame every employee in sight for all the things that our clearly controlled by corporate like , prices, remodels, advertising, signs, etc. There is nothing we like more then having to listen to multiple people a day complain about things that are controlled by people who make more in a week then we do in a year. We love that and I'm sure Karma won't come back to bite you. We never fantasize about all the ways Karma could catch up to you.

-Insist that you are right even after you have been shown proof. Like when you say a sign said something was way cheaper then it would ever be and we bring you the sign. Clearly we have multiple signs just to throw you off because there is nothing we like more then dealing with irrational angry customers.

-Threaten violence especially to the short female employees especially if you are a large male. That definitely won't result in police being called. Nope never.

-Always assume that you are the only person we need to help because you know we have 1,000 employees hanging out in the back room waiting around so that we can have one employee per customer.

-Tell us that we need to hire more people because you had to wait thirteen extra seconds and we had all check stands open. Then threaten to never shop there again if we don't hire more people. We would be heartbroken if we lost your super charming personality from our lives and clearly as a busy store we really need that sixteen dollars you just spent. Our lives would be forever changed without you.

- Go through self checkout for the first time ever with 70 items in your cart. The person running it totally wants to let all the other customers wait while we pretty much do your entire order because you ask a question about each item. You are after all the only person there and the center of our universe.

-Make the joke that if it didn't scan it should be free. We don't hear that 80 times a day. It's still funny.

-Tell the employees that they looked bored so you came to help. It doesn't demean all we do or make us feel like you think we are lazy. Also we're pretty much always doing something and never bored. except Thanksgiving night then we are admittedly usually bored.

So if you want to be one of our favorites that we look forward to seeing and go out of our way for then do none of the above things, remember we are people. We always try but we also sometimes have things going on outside of work that we try to hide but even your small comments can hurt on those days. Remember that the less you act like you are the center of the universe the more we will treat you like you actually are. We adore our regulars we like watching your kids grow and hearing about your life. We understand that sometimes you have rough days too but remember we're human and we'll forgive the small stuff. Also never feel like we don't want to help you. We do if you stay nice and try to remember that we have other people to help as well. I hope that you all think and take a breath next time something upsets you at a store. We truly do adore most of our customers and we know that you are crucial to our jobs. Please remember that we are also a crucial part of your lives because unless you make your own clothes and raise all your own food then you probably need us too. :)

They call me Snow White.

Ever since I could walk I remember loving animals. We used to visit a place called grandkid acres. I would feed the giraffes and pet the horses. The goats would follow me along the fence line. I even pet a hyena there thinking it was a dog. See, animals have never been afraid of me. Squirrels will come stand on my feet while playing. Raccoons follow me everywhere. I have had a wild cougar walk right past me. Because of this fact my family has dubbed this my Snow White Syndrome. It works well on babies too. Some of the most shy kids ever will come right up and talk to me at work. I would never give up this gift fir anything. My husband worries because anytime we drive by a dangerous creature like a bear or a cougar they try to keep pace with the vehicle. I insist that they like me and want to see me my husband says they want to kill and eat me. I love that birds will land on my shoulders. Our cows act like I am a drug they are addicted to. A few have lost their voice from mooing for me all day. This does make me take it very hard for me when an animal dies. Even possums I cry when I see road kill. But the joy I get from having a big cow run up and put her head against my belly to hug me. Or when the blue crane that live on our farm walks with me up the river. I will take that feeling over anything. It is sometimes irritating because I can't be with all the animals all the time so there is a lot of crying for me that goes on. Even the crane squawks when I'm with too many people and he's afraid to get close. The fact that these animals trust me 100% as soon as the see me is amazing. I love being Snow White. This is one syndrome I'll happily keep. :)