One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

Why lie?

So, in general I think it's strange to lie and I'm a horribly obvious liar. I just can't do it I can't keep a straight face. But there are so many people who lie about stuff that doesn't matter. Like when checking someone's I.d. I frequently notice when they are clearly shorter then me (5'5") and yet their I.d. says they are 5'9". What's the point of that? It doesn't matter what your I.D. says you're still short. If anything that can be harmful because I can deny your I.D. if there is too big of a difference. Like I am shorter then my drivers license says but only by a half of an inch and only because I had a tumor that bent my spine and made me shorter. So I don't get those type of lies but I also don't understand the bigger lies. Like, why? 99.9% of the time your lie gets found out and then your worse off then you would have been had you been honest in the first place. I also don't understand talking behind someone's back. Guess what if I have a problem or issue with you that is a big enough deal that I'm talking about it, then I will talk to you about it. It's far more satisfying to work out your differences as opposed to talking behind someone's back and just getting more bitter and not resolving anything. So don't lie. There's almost never a point to it.

Who doesn't like nicknames.

So I am the queen of nicknames. I have the normal ones based off of my name, Steph, Stephie, and Stepher. Then I have nicknames I have earned over time, Punkin, Tuff, Tuffy, Tutt, Tutty, Sookie, Pookie, Sookie Sue, Pookie Sue, Pookie bear, Little one, Short Stuff, Princess, Sunshine, Momma Stephie, Aunt Tuff, Hearts,Present, Duck, Etc. The list could go on and on. I love nicknames. It means someone cares enough to think one up for you. but some people don't like nicknames not even the shorter version of their name. which is weird but okay I guess as long as your not biting peoples heads off about it if they accidentally call you by the wrong thing. I mean my advice is always don't be a dick but really people, nicknames are supposed to be an expression of fondness. however, if you are the type of person to bite someones head off about that sort of thing then you deserve no fondness anyway.

Corvallis, I'm worried about you

So, I was born and raised in Salem but I spent most of my teen and adult years in Corvallis. and Corvallis I'm worried about you. I know you have a great reputation. Wonderful little college town. Home of the OSU Beavers! Very safe place to live. Friendliest people ever. (unless you work retail) and that seems great but now the first impression some parents get if they come into town a certain way is this. A huge bright purple marijuana dispensary followed by a billion fast food joints, oh and a sex shop. While I am okay with all of these things being in our town and people partaking in these things I think it may scare some people off of our wonderful friendly little town. and if you ever visit Corvallis there is honestly so much more beauty, history, and culture to absorb. So try not to focus on the first impressions. :)

Who's fault is this really?

So, we all know I work in retail. Which basically means that I am forced to keep a smile on my face while being blamed for a million things I have nothing to do with, like:

• I have had multiple customers get mad when a self check out machine breaks and we don't happen to have a new hard drive or anyone with the skills to fix it just waiting around the store. 
• People get mad when a Self checkout is close for multiple days. So do we but once we have put in a work order it's out of our hands, They will show up and fix it when they can.
• People get upset when the store is out of a certain denomination of money. It sucks more for us trust me but when an armored truck breaks down they can't just get a rent a car and drive us over thousands of dollars. That's not how it works.
• I have gotten yelled at on thanksgiving day because we ran out of sweet potatoes. Okay, first of all if you wait to get them until the day of then you are my least favorite kind of human. Secondly that's not just something we can have the warehouse stock up on and have an unlimited supply of. the process to create sweet potatoes involves farmers, dirt, sunshine, water, and GOD. I have no power over any of those things. 
• When people get mad at restaurants because it's busy and it takes longer to get their food. I want to go explain the entire cooking process to them and ask them how long it would take them to cook different meals for 50 different people.
• When people go into stores on a holiday or a five dollar Friday type thing and then wonder why it's so busy. I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying well why are you here dumbass? Cause it's probably the same reason everyone else is.

Because of all of these things and more I just want so badly to dress up as the common sense fairy (Which is just me +sparkles+wings+ a foam bat with the word COMMON SENSE written on it) and then I would like to have the freedom to beat my common sense into everyone who does any of these things or anything I deem bat worthy,. A girl can dream right? :)

Made of so much.

This is my face. It is, Irish, Norwegian, Austrian, Scottish, Spanish, Winnebago, Okanagan, Black Foot, French, and so many other things. I am made up of all of these things. I don't see beauty, or ugliness when I look in the mirror. I see me. I see my mom, my grandma, my aunts, my Great grandparents. I see family when I look in the mirror. So it doesn't matter if my eyes are too big or my cheeks to pronounced. It doesn't matter that my face has gone from heart shaped to more rounded because of weight gain. It doesn't matter that I'm loosing hair. All tha matters is that I love me. And as long as that doesn't change then my face is just what it needs to be....  Me! :)

Don't assume I'm normal

So, the title of this blog isn't meant to make it seem like the things I discuss make me a weirdo. I do that on my own. Ok! So, the other day I was working and I had a lady who rang several things up without getting me to do the 50% off stickers. She was then upset about the price, of course bcause it was about $10 more then what she had expected. That's fine. I went over and said "Oh, it makes me do the 50% off items for you anyway I'll just fix it real quick." She then started freaking out and talking about how much she hated Self Check Out. A complaint I hear a lot but it makes no sense to me when there are checkers with no line. It you hate it don't do it. But anyway, I said "oh yeah it can get annoying when the bagging alarm keeps going off but I don't mind fixing it." Then she said "No you don't understand I have severe anxiety," Okay well that explains the irritability so I said "Oh I feel ya me too." She then got very upset and said "No you don't understand it gets so bad I have to go to the E.R. sometimes." Okay so just assuming that because I am a happy person who is currently functioning well and smiling at work, that I must not know what "real anxiety is" is ridiculous. I said oh yeah I get seizures form my anxiety and have been hospitalized for a week to monitor the seizures before." Then she back pedaled and said oh that does sound serous. I finished with her stuff and she was on her way.

So, that shouldn't bother me, but, it does. because I just don't like people making assumptions. I try not to make assumptions when I see people. I adore some of our homeless customers and they like coming to me because I don't assume that just because they are homeless and doing without somethings that they can't have a nice conversation and make each others day nicer. I try not to assume that someone is a drug addict when they are acting strangely. So it's not fair that this lady just assumed that because I'm young and happy that I don't have anything going on behind the wall of happiness, I have very severe anxiety but I have learned how to deal with it. And , yes I can hold down a job even though I have seizures along with my panic attacks. However, all of my co-workers are aware of my health problems and I am blessed to have amazing co-workers who understand when I have an unexpected seizure. or if I need a break right away to take my anxiety medicine to try to prevent a seizure. I don't know why this lady bothered me so much. Maybe because after all I have been through in my life (raised in an abusive household, molested at age 4, having to care for my whole family at age 13 because of my mother having very serious cancer.) All of those things I survived and I grew up to be a pretty cheerful person. but assuming that just because I am cheerful, I must have an easy life hurt me a bit. I know that she didn't know everything I've been through but her assumptions hurt. It felt like she was saying that I couldn't really have anxiety.

Anxiety is something I deal with everyday of my life. Some days it's easy to deal with, Other days it's just not possible to function normally. But the main thing is I try. I find things that calm me. I read, drink herbal tea, watch a marvel movie (I know it's weird but it calms me down) I find ways to have anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and not just stay alive but live and enjoy my time on this earth. Thank you to all the people who help me with this on a regular basis. and if you ever visit my home for goodness sake don't mess up the blinds. (I'll mess you up) :p