Disappointment

Well I have hit a snag in my weight loss journey. I got the call that they had put my case up for review. (the last step before surgery) Unfortunately, they said they would like me to be six months seizure free before I have surgery. I understand that but I was not expecting that since they never mentioned that my seizures may stand in the way. The whole time I've had seizures I have never gone six months without one so basically we have to cure my seizures or I cannot have the surgery. Which is great but I currently have no clue how they will do that. I want to remain positive but that is very difficult for me. So, for now I will make the needed doctors appts and hope for the best, until then I will just hope for the best and keep on trying to lose weight and get healthy.

Things you don't think about before weight loss.

So everyone knows I'm on a journey to lose weight and get healthy. Well so far I've lost 30 pounds which isn't too much for how much I need to lose but its a good start. Well lately I've noticed some stuff I wasn't prepared for. Like, we all know you have to buy new clothes but at just 30 pounds less I've had to buy new undergarments too. And I always thought that I could just keep using my elastic pants. But no the elastic now doesn't go small enough for me.

Also I thought aches and pains wise it would only get better with weight loss but somehow I only started feeling how bad my arthritis is once I started loosing weight. You would think that would make it better not worse.

I have more energy but not always when I want it. I thought with losing some weight I would  feel more hyper and for the most part I do but when It's time to do laundry. My hyperness abandons me for laziness. I just still don't wanna and I had hoped I would want to.

I just can't believe that even with that little weight loss I'm already having. Moments where I stop and realize I'm smaller now. Like I've always been small in some ways but chubby. And I thought my hubby was protective before and he's gonna be way worse the smaller I get. Oh well that's the price we pay for good health!

Things that won't stop me.

I have always been someone who believes that bad things can happen to you but you control how you react and respond to those bad things. You control whether it makes you a better person or makes you an angry person. So I personally have decided to write down all the things that won't stop me from being happy. I will enjoy my life even though. I had a rough childhood that included abuse and other very bad things. I have had a million allergies my whole life and I just keep getting more. I am currently allergic to, mold, chocolate, whole grains, artificial sweeteners (like all of them), down, cats, dogs, hay, pollen, bees, any medication related to codeine ( which is most pain meds. I'm allergic to the adhesive in medical tape or bandages. I get chemical burns. I can't cut tomatoes or potatoes without my hands swelling up like balloons. There is probably more that I'm forgetting. Thankfully my husband never forgets.

On top of allergies I have bad lungs which means I have horrible asthma and chronic bronchitis and pneumonia. I also have tendonitis in my wrists and ankles. I have long ligaments which means I have loose joints which means it's really easy for me to sprain or dislocate all of my joints. I have arthritis in my hips. I've had my rotator cuff fixed and a tumor removed from my spine. I have chronic migraines and kidney stones. I'm overweight and have a horrible immune system.

All of that is to overwhelming to most people. However, it could be much worse. For every one of those bad things I have to deal with everyday of my life I have a thousand blessings that I get to deal with everyday. I chose to be happy. Yes, sometimes it's hard. I deal with pain everyday of my life which could wear a person down. But I choose to be happy. I l now I can deal with these things and life a long fulfilling life. We choose to be miserable or focus on the happy. So, just focus on the happy.

Yes, I understand that some people have depression or anxiety. I myself have a panic disorder so I am not always happy and positive but the point is I try. I won't stop trying and these things won't stop me.

Why I suck in January.

January is a hard month for a lot of people. It's right after the holidays so you are missing any loved ones who were missing from your holiday celebration. It's still cold and wet. (At least where I live) and the next holiday you have to look forward to is Valentine's Day. Which I have always loved but I think I'm in the minority. So, January is hard for most people. For me, January is awful with one bright spot.

Several years ago my family took in my brothers best friend, Sean. He lived with us for a long time until he was old enough to join the army and head off to basic. Sean was like a third brother. Then one January he came down from Ft. Lewis to visit my brother for his birthday. They had a great time spent it with friends doing what they always did. Then we got a call that Sean never showed up back in Washington. We all searched for him. Then we found out....

Sean had committed suicide. It was one of the most difficult things my family has been through. It still hurts to think about the funeral or when we found out or when the chaplain came. We luckily had a lot of support but every January my family kind of goes through a collective depression. Then a few year ago another person we loved passed away in January. It brought back all the memories.

So I always take a week of vacation before my brothers birthday every year so that I can re group and try to give him a great birthday that makes him not think about all the horrible January's we have had before. For some then last year we lost my husband's grandfather right before new years which now means January has turned into a month where I just mourn 90% of the time. So if I'm in a funk this month or bummed out or unnaturally quiet. Please don't push me I'm just taking a moment for my brother and everyone else I've loved who is in heaven.

One year.

One year ago tonight/tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare. But I was unfortunately wide awake. I had to watch as my husband lost one of the closest people in the world to him. I had to watch him loose his hero just a few years after I lost mine. See our grandpas were our everything. My grandpa was like a best friend/grandpa/extra dad. And when I met Luke I realized he had the same relationship with his grandpa. I think that if you would have asked them they would have said they loved us more. But they may not have realized how much they meant to us and how much we loved them. I can't believe a year ago I was telling Grandpa Norman goodnight for the last time. I can't believe we have survived a year without him. He was truly the kindest man and Luke gets that from him. He adored nobody more then his wife and Luke gets that from him. He loved this farm and watching over all the animals and Luke gets that from him. I am so happy that I got the pleasure of marrying Normans grandson because he got so many wonderful traits from him but also because I got the joy of taking car of grandpa for the last few years of his life. Every time I cooked he acted like I was the best chef in the world. Anytime he needed coffee and I wasn't busy he'd ask me to make it for him because he said I made the best coffee. It's still hard for us everyday. But we have such amazing memories we made with him. I will miss him and my gramps everyday of my life but I will carry them with me and try to be as much of a blessing to others as they were to me. Hug your loved ones.

Why lie?

So, in general I think it's strange to lie and I'm a horribly obvious liar. I just can't do it I can't keep a straight face. But there are so many people who lie about stuff that doesn't matter. Like when checking someone's I.d. I frequently notice when they are clearly shorter then me (5'5") and yet their I.d. says they are 5'9". What's the point of that? It doesn't matter what your I.D. says you're still short. If anything that can be harmful because I can deny your I.D. if there is too big of a difference. Like I am shorter then my drivers license says but only by a half of an inch and only because I had a tumor that bent my spine and made me shorter. So I don't get those type of lies but I also don't understand the bigger lies. Like, why? 99.9% of the time your lie gets found out and then your worse off then you would have been had you been honest in the first place. I also don't understand talking behind someone's back. Guess what if I have a problem or issue with you that is a big enough deal that I'm talking about it, then I will talk to you about it. It's far more satisfying to work out your differences as opposed to talking behind someone's back and just getting more bitter and not resolving anything. So don't lie. There's almost never a point to it.

Who doesn't like nicknames.

So I am the queen of nicknames. I have the normal ones based off of my name, Steph, Stephie, and Stepher. Then I have nicknames I have earned over time, Punkin, Tuff, Tuffy, Tutt, Tutty, Sookie, Pookie, Sookie Sue, Pookie Sue, Pookie bear, Little one, Short Stuff, Princess, Sunshine, Momma Stephie, Aunt Tuff, Hearts,Present, Duck, Etc. The list could go on and on. I love nicknames. It means someone cares enough to think one up for you. but some people don't like nicknames not even the shorter version of their name. which is weird but okay I guess as long as your not biting peoples heads off about it if they accidentally call you by the wrong thing. I mean my advice is always don't be a dick but really people, nicknames are supposed to be an expression of fondness. however, if you are the type of person to bite someones head off about that sort of thing then you deserve no fondness anyway.