Mental notes to myself,

Sometimes I have to stop and listen to my inner voice about what to do or more often what not to do here are some examples,

• When the man with approximately 3 teeth turns and yells, "get over here and fix this retarded thing." While you are helping another customer, Do not ask him if he means the machine or himself. Do not grab him by the ear and tell him that is not an appropriate word to say. Do finish with your customer and kindly go tell toothy what stupid thing he did to mess up the machine. 
• When a teeny tiny man from a far off land snaps his fingers at me and then points beside himself for me to come like I'm a dog, DO NOT   DISEMBOWEL THE CUSTOMER. Do not slap his face and say we don't snap at princesses. Do not warn the woman he is with to run far and fast away from him. Do give him your best what did you just do to me? look abd then go help him then get as far away as you can so you can resist the urge to slap him. Oh and Don't point out that the giant man nearby is my husband who would happily squash him like a bug for mistreating the princess. 
• When your husband says I'll do it tomorrow. assume he means next week and if possible do it yourself. Do not text him 12 times tomorrow asking if he's done it yet. The answer will just anger you so just do it yourself it's easier. 
• When people are over and looking at your ducks and chickens and the ducks or chickens get frisky, Do not yell no rape in front of mommy. People will think you're weird even though you think it's a wonderful training method. 
• When your husband leaves clothes strewn about the house like he's a teenage girl who does 17 wardrobe changes a day, Do not call him a teenage girl. Just check the pockets and throw it in the laundry. AGAIN
• When you are working and people keep having unexpected items in the bagging area and you keep showing them that if they pick up the last item they put down and then check the screen to see if they scanned it which they didn't but yet they keep doing that every other item. It is not okay to ask if they have any common sense or short term memory.
• When the lady who steals whole carts full of stuff on other peoples watch but knows I watch her, comes up with a full cart then sees that I'm working sco and turns around to put back all the stuff she was gonna steal and comes to pay for the 4 items she could afford. It's not okay to yell BOOM NOT ON MY WATCH LADY. It is okay however to grin when she glares at you because you know that security has her picture and times she has stolen stuff because you write down what days and times she normally comes in . You're gonna get caught!!

My brain is a little more sassy then what I let show, which is saying something cause everyone knows I'm a sassball. :)

FAMILY

It's been a long time since I've blogged. If you know me you know most of the reasons why. I'm going to try to get beck in to the swing of things beginning with the most important.

Okay, so if you would have asked me 10 years ago there is no way I would have been able to imagine my family the way it is today. This person has disowned that person. This person disowned me but still checks in when she hears if something really bad has happened. (So, I know she still loves me somewhere in there.) It's a mess. I think this is why we all mourned the loss of my Gramps so much because when a family looses the leader they loose themselves somewhat too. Sure when he was around people still had fights and disliked other members of the family but they put it aside for his sake.

I miss feeling like I had the best family in the world. I miss the time when I couldn't imagine a month without going to Salem and seeing all of my aunts and most of my cousins and even some extended family. I miss when thinking about a certain immediate family member made me happy and proud it didn't make me cry.

The thing is with my family sometimes it's big stuff but more often then not it's little tiny things that start arguments and lead to huge bits of time not talking to one another. Why?

This must just be me but I have had some hugely bad things happen to me at the hands of a family member. But I have never disowned a family member. I love my family and in one way or another even though they don't all see it in each other they are all pretty cool. I have Some amazing, outgoing, silly, talented family members. There are a few introverts who when you take the time to know them they will shock you with their talent and silliness too.

I pray that I can figure out a way to make us all like we were before. I want my family back. It's never too late for family. Until it is too late. I don't want to loose anyone and have them not know how much I love them. I love my whole family. the messed up one's who take more patience to love and the weird one's cause that's me too, and the ones who are easy to love.

Whether it is hard or easy to love you. If you're my family I promise to love you anyway! I know people say that friends can be family too and trust me I have a huge family via my bestie and I love them to the moon and back but I think God made my family mine for a reason and I plan on loving them until there is no more time left to love them.

Random things I say.

I feel like it will be better if I don't give anyone any context and just let you know that this is what my husband lives with everyday. Here are some random things that pop out of my mouth:

• What is with the fake accent? Your name is Frank.
• I don't like having to compromise. I like dictatorships. I like the word dick. I like taters and I like ships. 
• He's not a calf. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HIS MANLINESS!
• Why do all these college students have too much hair for a human?
• I don't want to hang out wit y'all. I just want your alcohol. (That one turned into a song in the car the whole way home)
• My pants were wrongfully excited.
• That last car's headlights just raped my eyeballs and it didn't feel fancy.
• Then, just to level the playing-field, God made boobs hurt.
• Stop sticking your butt in my face, cat, I'm in crisis.
• I don't like goslings unless it's Ryan Gosling.
• I'm grieving too much for pants. 

This is just what I said in a short period of time that my husband said was weird. I don't pay attention to being normal so this is just me. Not even sorry. Lol

What I wish for them

I am not a parent. I hope to one day have kids of my own. Right now what I do have is my best friends daughter who we call my part time kiddo, and my niece. K and C are both a big part of my happiness. I don't see either one as often as I'd like because they both live at least a 2 hour drive from me. I cherish every moment I do get to spend with them.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how the world will be when they are my age. I hope that it is a better place in at least some ways. I hope that people are still kind. I hope that they get to feel the pride of living here that I feel. Mostly I hope that it doesn't take something bad to make them thankful for what they have. I remember when 9/11 happened how patriotic everyone was. I remember how much our country bound together to help those they could. I felt so proud to be an American! I still do and will forever but I wish it didn't take such a horrible thing to make me realize how great I have it.

I hope that future K and C are in a world that is accepting of differences. I hope that they don't have to feel the empathy for others who are judged for being different. I hope that they are different in enough ways and proud of it. I'm the first to admit I'm an odd duck but I think my weirdness is part of what makes me me and what makes me lovable. I hope that this future world has less judgement and more acceptance. I hope people don't use religion as a way to make people feel bad about their differences but instead use it to make people feel good whole and safe. I hope K and C are still at least a little bit the kids I love today. I hope they're still silly in their 30's.

I hope that in the future they will still be a big part of my life. I hope that they know how much I adore them and have from the moment I laid eyes on them. I hope they both know how to love and be loved. I both don't want them to grow up and can't wait to see the people they become. I hope the world can live up to what they deserve!

When did that happen.

So, it's the season that everyone does their taxes. My husband and I usually get a return and back when we were first dating we used it to go on small trips up the coast or buy fun things like video games. This year when I got my tax returns I came to a realization. I am a boring adult. My first thought when I found out how much we were getting was wow I can pay off my car. The big fun purchase we made was a carpet shampooer. Ohh wet vacuuming in slow motion. It's hours of fun. What is wrong with me? When did I go from thinking about how I could have fun with my money to what bills I could pay off and improve my credit score?

I have always been ok with money. when I was kid and had a paper route I payed family bills and donated 20% of my check to various charities. But I still focused mainly on what I could buy after that. I would decide what CD or movie I was going to buy each paycheck. I would take my family out to dinner. But now my first thought is how to responsibly use my money. Ugh.

Now I'm thinking oh my gosh what if I did win some huge lottery someday. (If I would gamble enough with a dollar for the ticket) What would I do? Most likely invest a good chunk and pay off all my families debt. OMG I'm so boring. Is this just a phase because I'm super broke or will I always be only responsible and not even a little fun? When can I be a kid again?

Counting my blessings

Sometimes in life I think it really is  good to actually stop and count your blessings. Here are a  few of mine.

• I was born in one of the greatest places a person can be born in. I have easy enough access to medical facilities, food and water and I have many choices I can make about my life instead of having to just deal with my circumstances no matter what.
• I have parents. Most of my family no longer has their parents and I am blessed that both of mine are still on this earth and relatively healthy. My mother and I are super close and I'm getting closer with my father all the time.
• I live with an  amazing man in an amazing place. My husband can be a butthead but I adore him and we have a great life together. I am extremely blessed to be his wife and live on his amazing family farm.
• I know the love of the Lord! Faith is an amazing thing and I am so glad to have it. I am also glad that God made me who I am and I feel no need to judge you based on my religion or yours. Be who you are and I'll happily accept that as long as who you are is kind.
• Sasha Raven and Riley Bears. Yes my dogs. they show meamazing unconditional love everyday. I'm still in awe of Sasha's emotional depth for a dog. She helps me learn to love and accept all of my emotions and deal with pain and loss. Riley keeps me smiling even when I don't want to. He is a ball of happy!
• My brothers. I am lucky enough to be pretty close to my siblings and I wouldn't change that for anything. they are great people who are always there for me even when they are mad at me. I know that I can turn to them when I need something and they will help me in anyway they can.
• My job. I don't have the best or most exciting job in the world but I am lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing caring people who are like a second family to me when I am at work. Most people don't have that. I am blessed to get to know these people and spend time with them even if it's just a few hours a day!
• My friends. I honestly have amazing friends. My best friend and I can share anything. Half the time it feels like we share a brain. We are both super alike and super different all at once. and I love her for every bit of it. I mean she shares her child with me. How much more aawesome do you get?
• My baby. Although she isn't biologically mine. I adore her just as much as if she were. She is the most caring 8 year old I have ever met. She was born with so much empathy. She always knows how to make my heart smile. I adore my KayCee baby! Always have and always will!

I am so lucky that this is just the tip of my blessings iceberg. I just think it's nice to write down what your blessings are sometimes so you can visualize how lucky you are. It is easy to get caught up in all of the bad stuff. So I am going to try to countt my blessings more!

Disappointment

Well I have hit a snag in my weight loss journey. I got the call that they had put my case up for review. (the last step before surgery) Unfortunately, they said they would like me to be six months seizure free before I have surgery. I understand that but I was not expecting that since they never mentioned that my seizures may stand in the way. The whole time I've had seizures I have never gone six months without one so basically we have to cure my seizures or I cannot have the surgery. Which is great but I currently have no clue how they will do that. I want to remain positive but that is very difficult for me. So, for now I will make the needed doctors appts and hope for the best, until then I will just hope for the best and keep on trying to lose weight and get healthy.

Things you don't think about before weight loss.

So everyone knows I'm on a journey to lose weight and get healthy. Well so far I've lost 30 pounds which isn't too much for how much I need to lose but its a good start. Well lately I've noticed some stuff I wasn't prepared for. Like, we all know you have to buy new clothes but at just 30 pounds less I've had to buy new undergarments too. And I always thought that I could just keep using my elastic pants. But no the elastic now doesn't go small enough for me.

Also I thought aches and pains wise it would only get better with weight loss but somehow I only started feeling how bad my arthritis is once I started loosing weight. You would think that would make it better not worse.

I have more energy but not always when I want it. I thought with losing some weight I would  feel more hyper and for the most part I do but when It's time to do laundry. My hyperness abandons me for laziness. I just still don't wanna and I had hoped I would want to.

I just can't believe that even with that little weight loss I'm already having. Moments where I stop and realize I'm smaller now. Like I've always been small in some ways but chubby. And I thought my hubby was protective before and he's gonna be way worse the smaller I get. Oh well that's the price we pay for good health!

Things that won't stop me.

I have always been someone who believes that bad things can happen to you but you control how you react and respond to those bad things. You control whether it makes you a better person or makes you an angry person. So I personally have decided to write down all the things that won't stop me from being happy. I will enjoy my life even though. I had a rough childhood that included abuse and other very bad things. I have had a million allergies my whole life and I just keep getting more. I am currently allergic to, mold, chocolate, whole grains, artificial sweeteners (like all of them), down, cats, dogs, hay, pollen, bees, any medication related to codeine ( which is most pain meds. I'm allergic to the adhesive in medical tape or bandages. I get chemical burns. I can't cut tomatoes or potatoes without my hands swelling up like balloons. There is probably more that I'm forgetting. Thankfully my husband never forgets.

On top of allergies I have bad lungs which means I have horrible asthma and chronic bronchitis and pneumonia. I also have tendonitis in my wrists and ankles. I have long ligaments which means I have loose joints which means it's really easy for me to sprain or dislocate all of my joints. I have arthritis in my hips. I've had my rotator cuff fixed and a tumor removed from my spine. I have chronic migraines and kidney stones. I'm overweight and have a horrible immune system.

All of that is to overwhelming to most people. However, it could be much worse. For every one of those bad things I have to deal with everyday of my life I have a thousand blessings that I get to deal with everyday. I chose to be happy. Yes, sometimes it's hard. I deal with pain everyday of my life which could wear a person down. But I choose to be happy. I l now I can deal with these things and life a long fulfilling life. We choose to be miserable or focus on the happy. So, just focus on the happy.

Yes, I understand that some people have depression or anxiety. I myself have a panic disorder so I am not always happy and positive but the point is I try. I won't stop trying and these things won't stop me.

Why I suck in January.

January is a hard month for a lot of people. It's right after the holidays so you are missing any loved ones who were missing from your holiday celebration. It's still cold and wet. (At least where I live) and the next holiday you have to look forward to is Valentine's Day. Which I have always loved but I think I'm in the minority. So, January is hard for most people. For me, January is awful with one bright spot.

Several years ago my family took in my brothers best friend, Sean. He lived with us for a long time until he was old enough to join the army and head off to basic. Sean was like a third brother. Then one January he came down from Ft. Lewis to visit my brother for his birthday. They had a great time spent it with friends doing what they always did. Then we got a call that Sean never showed up back in Washington. We all searched for him. Then we found out....

Sean had committed suicide. It was one of the most difficult things my family has been through. It still hurts to think about the funeral or when we found out or when the chaplain came. We luckily had a lot of support but every January my family kind of goes through a collective depression. Then a few year ago another person we loved passed away in January. It brought back all the memories.

So I always take a week of vacation before my brothers birthday every year so that I can re group and try to give him a great birthday that makes him not think about all the horrible January's we have had before. For some then last year we lost my husband's grandfather right before new years which now means January has turned into a month where I just mourn 90% of the time. So if I'm in a funk this month or bummed out or unnaturally quiet. Please don't push me I'm just taking a moment for my brother and everyone else I've loved who is in heaven.