New Tradition for the New Year!!!

I HATE RESOLUTIONS! There I said it. I know so many people who disagree. I will agree that when followed through on they are wonderful and that even making a start in the right direction is something. However, I think this whole tradition of writing a list of all these things you could do to be better right after you just survived pulling off Christmas, is just asking for a little seasonal depression. So, What I would like to start doing is every year on my blog at some point in January (Which is an emotional month for my family) I'm going to write a list of what makes me happy/ what I'm thankful for. I know we do thankfulness at Thanksgiving but I'm thankful everyday! So here is my list for

January 2016

• I am so happy everyday on this amazing farm/ranch I get to live on!
• I am so Blessed to have such a wonderful family biologically and the ones who had to have me because I married Luke. I love my Edwards/Quirk family so much! 
• Getting to be so close to your mother is truly a blessing I will soak up all the joy and laughter I can from her
• Having someone who is truly like a twin and like the other half of who you are is an amazing thing that not a lot of people get to experience.
• No matter how much time I spend apart from my baby brother he is one of my best friends and one of the silliest people on earth.
• My Hubbles, Hammy, Lulu, Luka, Luker, etc, my husband is my strength. He holds me up so I can feel free enough to be my wacky self. He keeps me sane through all of the crazy medical issues he is my whole world and I love him so so so much. 
• I'm grateful that the Lord is such a part of my life and in the way he is. I feel like I have a very personal relationship with the lord and I do feel like he is with me everyday especially on this farm. 
• I am so thankful for the what my family calls "Snow White Syndrome" basically I'm very at ease with animals even wild animals. It's an amazing thing getting to live a life where squirrels stop and stand on your shoe to eat a nut because they aren't afraid of you. I'm so happy that I am somehow able to put them at ease!
• I'm of course thankful for my Friends Especially my bestie who shares her amazing kid with us and I'm thankful for that kid who makes my day every time I see her. 
• And of course my Beautiful and perfect niece I am so grateful that I was able to marry into this family so I could be your aunt because Clary Ada you make me smile so much just by thinking about you. 

See easy and that list made me feel happy and accomplished!

Anxiety Wave

Right now, at this very moment I'm fine and content but it's because I'm not sleeping it's 3:57am and I'm up snuggling cats and blogging instead of sleeping. I know that's not normal. I know that especially since I have a bad infection in my body and I have taken some nighttime cold medicine, I should be in snoozey town. But I'm not because today I had a panic surge. That's the best way I can describe it . I do have anxiety and panic attacks and usually they come on quickly and go away just as fast leaving the shell of shaken me behind. What happened today, which does, on occasion happen to me, is I get stuck. I feel it coming on days before. I'm cranky which is not typically my personality. I'm
easily offended which is my personality but not this extreme but then it's like I can feel it building and I know something is going to happen and I will be powerless to stop it.

In these times I mainly just hope so much that I don't hurt those I love because I'm a feisty girl already and when I'm grumpy I can hurt feelings. I hope that those who love me know that I honestly try my best to hold up the crumbling dam that is my I don't know sanity? comfort zone? kindness? I'm not sure what I'll loose if I let it crumble but I'm doing my best to fight my anxiety. If you have invited me to things and I don't come I'm sorry. Sometimes my anxiety wins and sometimes my cats are way cuter then drunk people. But, that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate every invite. I do. and I hope someday to be able to go hang out with coworkers other then my few that I always have.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's 4 am and I'm melancholy but I'll get a start on my day and I'll see my hubby off to work and then who are we kidding I'll probably nap and my anxiety has likely just ruined my sleeping pattern. GRRRR. Lol. I hope all is well with all my lovely people almost as much as I hope that one of you won the lottery! :)